There are ‘Friends’ – and Then There Are Friends

How many friends do you have? If you’re on Facebook, as so many of us are, you might have hundreds of Facebook “friends.” If you’re in the workplace and on LinkedIn, you may dozens – even hundreds – of more connections. If you engage in other social media, like Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat, you might have myriad other “friends” as well. But are they really friends?

Friends come in many different varieties.

Recently on his radio program, Dr. David Jeremiah noted most of us can classify our “friends” into one of four categories: 

• Contact friends, people we say hello to at the gym, grocery store, or neighbors we see only in passing; 
• Casual friends, those we might join for a round of golf, a school project, or even a Bible study; 
• Close friends, perhaps those we collaborate with at work or go to lunch with, close enough to share some personal information we don’t care to have widely disseminated; 
• Committed friends, folks we can depend on in good times and bad. Especially the bad times when they’re needed most.

We have some family members who have never met a stranger and seem to be friends with just about everyone they meet. Most of us, however, are more discriminating in our selection of friends – at least the close and committed ones.

Since I’m basically an introvert, and seem to be more introverted the older I get, there’s only so much room in my life for real friends. Yes, I’ve got lots of the Facebook variety, whether old school chums or people I know from church or places I worked, or those with whom I trade puns. (Only the highest caliber people engage in plays on words, don’t you know.)

There are a number of men that I stay in touch with that I was in discipling/mentoring relationships with over the years. After meeting weekly or at least a couple times a month, seeing one another grow in our walk with the Lord, it’s pretty common to develop bonds you want to maintain long after the scheduled meetings have ended.

But friends of the close and committed variety, I’ve got just a handful. And that’s okay. I’ve only got so much emotional capacity to go around, and once it’s been expended on my family members, it’s in kind of short supply.

So who – or what – should we be looking for in choosing our close and committed friends? I have some opinions, but as with many areas of life, I’ve found biblical wisdom a much better guide for making such important selections. There are sound principles regarding friendship in the Bible from front to back, but the book of Proverbs alone gives us enough to consider:

To begin with, we’re told who not to select as close or committed friends. In fact, we’re to run, not walk from unsavory company: “Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way” (Proverbs 4:14-15). Another verse presents a similar warning: “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26).

Wisdom can be contagious – along with its opposite. So if we’re going to “catch” something from our friends, wisdom is always the better alternative: “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). “Stay away from a foolish man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips” (Proverbs 14:7).

The same holds true for people who possess characteristics we wouldn’t put on our wish lists. The less influence they have on us, the better: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25). “Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path. Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rage” (Proverbs 23:19-21).

There are other passages we could cite from Proverbs alone, but here are two that distinguish between “close” friends and “committed” friends: “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

So if you were to assess your friends today, which categories would you have the most? We all need friends, but being selective in who we spend most of our time can make a big difference.

Friends, Fake Friends, and Real Friends

When you hear the word “friend,” what comes to mind? 

These days, friend can mean many different things. We have “friends” on Facebook and other social media we’ve never met personally. We have no idea how old they are, where they work, what their lives are like. We might not know where they live. All we do know is sometimes they “like” or comment on something we’ve posted.

Real friends are a blessing, often a rare one.

We have “friends” at work, people we collaborate with on various projects. Outside of the workplace, however, we know little if anything about them. We have “friends” with whom we occasionally play golf, tennis, or maybe cards; friends we see only within the confines of the local church; neighborhood “friends” we wave at when we see them outside their homes; and friends we encounter through community events, school, or children’s sports teams. We probably wouldn’t choose them to accompany us on a walk through a dark alley.

What about “through thick and thin” friends, those folks who know us almost as well as we know ourselves, who have become integral to our lives? Do you have any of those? Are they a dying breed, destined to go the way of the dodo and the dinosaur?

It doesn’t have to be that way, even though today’s culture does little to encourage deep, meaningful relationships. We can’t be close friends with everyone; no one has that emotional capacity. But we all need someone (maybe more than one) we not only enjoy being with, but also can count on during tough times as well as good. You know, the “friend in need is a friend in deed” variety.

The Old Testament book of Proverbs, a collection of wisdom from King Solomon and other writers, says much about the values of true friendship, what it is, and what it isn’t. Here’s some advice on how to find a real friend like that:

Be selective. Not everyone should be invited into our inner circle of close friends. “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”  (Proverbs 18:24). Who is your “closer than a brother” friend?

Be wary of negative traits. People we spend considerable time with influence our thoughts and actions, good or bad.“Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk of making trouble” (Proverbs 24:1-2).“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).We have enough bad habits of our own without learning more from other people.

The best friends are constant. Anyone can be another’s friend when things are going well, or when they see a benefit in the relationship. But true friends remain during the hard times, when we have nothing to offer. “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). In another Old Testament book, Solomon made this observation: “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). When challenges and hardships arrive – as they will – it’s good to have someone there to walk with us through them.

Good friends make us better. We all can use true friends who have the ability to set our sights higher, both personally and professionally. “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” (Proverbs 19:20).

Seek friends who aren’t afraid to tell the truth. People who focus on flattery, who always try to tell us what they think we want to hear, aren’t friends. They’re manipulators. “A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin” (Proverbs 26:28). In contrast to that, the sincere, honest feedback of a friend, even when it’s hard to hear, can be like walking to a room filled with a wonderful aroma. “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel” (Proverbs 27:9). 

True friends can be trusted. Few things are worse than being betrayed by someone we believed was a friend we entrusted with confidential information. Can you trust your friend? “A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly” (Proverbs 12:23). “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much” (Proverbs 20:19).

No one is perfect, but true friends – people we want to be around us – should fit the criteria above. Do you have anyone like this? Many people, especially men, don’t. If not, we’re told to pray, asking God to send this kind of person our way. “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2).

To ‘Friend’ or Not to ‘Friend’

What’s become of friendship? These days it seems being a friend just isn’t what it used to be.

When I was a boy, we found friends basically in two places – the neighborhood and at school. Weekends, time after school, and those lazy crazy days of summer were spent in the physical presence of kids that lived in our subdivision, playing sports and games or just hanging out around the corner fire hydrant. At school I also had friendships, although those were limited to classes and the schoolyard. But we did talk, eye to eye, face to face.

We play fast and loose with the term "friendship."
Real friendships require commitment and camaraderie.

Being friends today, however, has become something different. Friends might gather, but their noses are stuck in their smart phones, texting and tweeting – sometimes to the person standing next to them. Why talk when you can text and tweet, right? And with the explosion of social media, we have an entirely different collection of friends – some we’ll never meet in person.

We have LinkedIn contacts, Twitter followers, and Facebook “friends,” some of whom we connect with through other friends, whether they live in our city or somewhere in cyberspace. Used to be a friend was someone you’d shake hands with, or if so inclined, even share a friendly hug. (With guys, that’s usually a quick embrace, two pats on the back, and then release.)

There are other forms of social media as well, but being the basic introvert that I am, there’s only so much “social” that I can handle. The point is, just because someone comments on your social media posts, exchanges barbs with you occasionally, or “likes” a link that you “share,” does that really make them a friend?

In fact, sometimes a dilemma arises: When should you “un-friend” someone? In the olden days, when friends were really friends, friendships did end – over arguments, changing schools, moving to a different city, or simply no longer having things in common. But as someone recently wondered on Facebook, when’s it time to cut cyber-ties with someone that doesn’t act friendly?

He asked: “So do you un-friend somebody who repeatedly speaks harshly to and about your religion or do you just ignore them and keep them so that they can see your posts?”

Good question. In times past, we engaged in face-to-face discussions, debates or arguments. Now, cloaked in the guise of online anonymity, people can criticize whatever you post, be downright mean if they choose. Hence the dilemma: To “friend” or not to “friend”?

Overall I enjoy social media and appreciate its benefits. I’ve been able to reconnect with old friends from years ago, and get acquainted (as much as social media allows) with people I'd never have encountered otherwise. But in many cases, calling them friends is a stretch.

Which leads to another question: What is a friend, in the truest sense? We all have opinions about that. We can have golf or tennis buddies, a friend that does our taxes, someone we chat with at the sports bar while watching the game, or friends we see only at church. But to me, being a friend requires more.

I like what the Bible says about friendship. For example: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). If your “friend” is there when times are good, but flees at the first hint of hardship, you might be justified in questioning the quality of the friendship.

Proverbs 18:24 asserts, “A man of many companions may come to ruin; but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” A friend is someone that’s there no matter what – loyal, dependable, faithful.

But perhaps the greatest definition of friendship, in my view, is what Jesus said: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends” (John 15:13). War sometimes fosters such friendship. Occasionally we hear of someone putting their life on the line for loved ones. Jesus himself provided the ultimate example.

Such friendship demands a lot more than quick posts on a social media site, tweets or spontaneous texts. It’s the kind of friendship most of us would like to have. And the kind of friendship we’d like to demonstrate, if circumstances warranted.

Friendship: ‘Species’ in Danger?

Friends. Somehow they don’t seem to be what they used to be.

If you ask someone, “What is a friend?” you might be surprised at the responses you get. This used to be an easy question, but today the answer’s become muddled, thanks to technology and social media.

In these days of Facebook friends, Twitter followers, LinkedIn connections and text messaging, we’re in contact with more people than ever. In an instant, with just a few pecks on a computer or smart phone keyboard, we can have hundreds – even thousands – aware of our every thought, our every move. And often they reply back to us, offering reactions, suggestions, even snide comments. But are these really friends?

The popular and now-syndicated sit-com, “Friends,” seems outdated by the current network of virtual friends. In “Friends,” guys and gals hung out together, enjoying one another’s physical proximity. Together they experienced many of life’s highs and lows, and were there to offer or receive comfort and support whenever needed.

Today, physical presence is not essential to “friendship.” It’s common to see people standing or sitting with flesh-and-blood friends, ignoring them as they tap out messages on their phones and tablets to people nowhere in the vicinity, often ones they’ve never met face to face.

There's something about a true friendship that
social media cannot begin to replicate.

Thinking back over my boyhood and college years, friends were important. We shared our joys and struggles, but more importantly we were just there for each other, talking about whatever came to mind. These people became an important part of us, at least for a season.

It’s not that I’m opposed to Facebook friends, following other people on media like Twitter, or composing a text instead of making a traditional phone call. Times change, and it’s good to be able to connect with people in an ever-expanding array of communication alternatives.

But there’s something to be said for the old-fashioned kind of friend, the person you were happy to see, who was glad to just spend time together, talking, joking, bickering, whatever seemed to fit the moment.

The Bible has a lot to say about friendship, even though it was written centuries before Facebook would become a factor in human discourse. For instance, Proverbs 17:17 talks about the constancy of friendship: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Proverbs 18:24 points out the value of being selective in the choice of friends: “A man of many companions comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” And Proverbs 27:6 observes a true friend is not afraid to speak the truth: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted….” Other translations express it this way: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”

Jesus made perhaps the most profound statement about friendship when he said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends” (John 15:13). How many of your Facebook friends would do that?

I appreciate the advantages that social media offer us today, being able to communicate with people we could contact in no other way. And it’s an interesting means for becoming acquainted with people we’d never encounter otherwise. But I greatly appreciate my “live and in person” friends, those individuals I can see across a table, look in the eye, say what I want to say – and know they want to listen.

To each of them, to borrow a phrase from the theme song of “Golden Girls,” another sitcom about friendship, I say, “Thank you for being a friend.”