Tons of ‘Friends,’ But No Real Friendships?

Friends, we might say, are a dime a dozen these days. And we all know a dime isn’t worth what it used to be. If we spend any time at all on social media, we can collect “friends” much like we’d collect dandelions on a spring morning. We can get a lot of them, but what are they really worth?

 

One social media accounts says I have more than 1,000 friends. Isn’t that impressive? But I bet if I were to encounter 90 percent of them in the mall or at Walmart, I’d have no clue who they were. And they wouldn’t know me either.

 

Other social media report on “followers” rather than friends, but the idea’s the same. It’s nice to know we’re connected – even if only in a cyberspace kind of way. However, if we were in a crisis, how many of these “friends” or followers could we count on for help?

 

Promotional photo of the cast
of "Friends." (Wikipedia image)

Many of us remember the famous sitcom, “Friends,” that ran on TV for years. What a gang they were, having fun and sharing one another’s joys and sorrows. They still live in the world of reruns, but I digress. We’ve denigrated what means to be a friend, applying it to casual acquaintances at work, people we sometimes run into at the grocery store, individuals we shake hands with during meet-and-greet times at church, folks we see at the gym, and so on.

But shouldn’t true friendship amount to more than recognizing faces, knowing someone’s first name, and exchanging, "Hi, how ya doin'?"

 

We could do a bit of research, checking to see what famous people have said about friends and friendship. But I’ll leave that to you. I can think of no greater source to consult about friends than the Bible. No one could say it any better than Jesus: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). Then He proceeded to do just that by willingly dying on the cross to atone for our sins.

 

The book of 1 Samuel in the Old Testament offers a stellar example of true friendship in David, the future kind of Israel, and Jonathan, the son of David’s predecessor, King Saul, who had severe security issues. 

 

When Saul plotted to kill David, Jonathan stepped up in David’s defense on several occasions and then went to warn him of the deranged king’s threats. At times he even risked his own father’s indignation in defending David: 

“Saul’s anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, ‘You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don’t I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame…? As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established….’ But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David” (1 Samuel 20:30-33).

 

At the poignant end of their last meeting, we read, “David bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together – but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, ‘Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord…’” (1 Samuel 20:41-42). He was referring to a covenant of friendship they had made years earlier.

 

To the day he died in battle along with his evil father, Jonathan remained faithful to his friend David, even sacrificing his own aspirations. He epitomized what another king of Israel, Solomon, one day would write: “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17).

 

We might never be a position of having to put our lives at risk for defending or protecting a friend, but many people have – and in so doing confirmed the depth of their commitment. True friendship refuses to limit itself to the superficial. As the adage says, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” 

 

Proverbs 18:24 states it this way: “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” We all need friends like this, and we need to be a friend like this to someone as well.

There are ‘Friends’ – and Then There Are Friends

How many friends do you have? If you’re on Facebook, as so many of us are, you might have hundreds of Facebook “friends.” If you’re in the workplace and on LinkedIn, you may dozens – even hundreds – of more connections. If you engage in other social media, like Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat, you might have myriad other “friends” as well. But are they really friends?

Friends come in many different varieties.

Recently on his radio program, Dr. David Jeremiah noted most of us can classify our “friends” into one of four categories: 

• Contact friends, people we say hello to at the gym, grocery store, or neighbors we see only in passing; 
• Casual friends, those we might join for a round of golf, a school project, or even a Bible study; 
• Close friends, perhaps those we collaborate with at work or go to lunch with, close enough to share some personal information we don’t care to have widely disseminated; 
• Committed friends, folks we can depend on in good times and bad. Especially the bad times when they’re needed most.

We have some family members who have never met a stranger and seem to be friends with just about everyone they meet. Most of us, however, are more discriminating in our selection of friends – at least the close and committed ones.

Since I’m basically an introvert, and seem to be more introverted the older I get, there’s only so much room in my life for real friends. Yes, I’ve got lots of the Facebook variety, whether old school chums or people I know from church or places I worked, or those with whom I trade puns. (Only the highest caliber people engage in plays on words, don’t you know.)

There are a number of men that I stay in touch with that I was in discipling/mentoring relationships with over the years. After meeting weekly or at least a couple times a month, seeing one another grow in our walk with the Lord, it’s pretty common to develop bonds you want to maintain long after the scheduled meetings have ended.

But friends of the close and committed variety, I’ve got just a handful. And that’s okay. I’ve only got so much emotional capacity to go around, and once it’s been expended on my family members, it’s in kind of short supply.

So who – or what – should we be looking for in choosing our close and committed friends? I have some opinions, but as with many areas of life, I’ve found biblical wisdom a much better guide for making such important selections. There are sound principles regarding friendship in the Bible from front to back, but the book of Proverbs alone gives us enough to consider:

To begin with, we’re told who not to select as close or committed friends. In fact, we’re to run, not walk from unsavory company: “Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way” (Proverbs 4:14-15). Another verse presents a similar warning: “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26).

Wisdom can be contagious – along with its opposite. So if we’re going to “catch” something from our friends, wisdom is always the better alternative: “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). “Stay away from a foolish man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips” (Proverbs 14:7).

The same holds true for people who possess characteristics we wouldn’t put on our wish lists. The less influence they have on us, the better: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25). “Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path. Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rage” (Proverbs 23:19-21).

There are other passages we could cite from Proverbs alone, but here are two that distinguish between “close” friends and “committed” friends: “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

So if you were to assess your friends today, which categories would you have the most? We all need friends, but being selective in who we spend most of our time can make a big difference.

Friends, Fake Friends, and Real Friends

When you hear the word “friend,” what comes to mind? 

These days, friend can mean many different things. We have “friends” on Facebook and other social media we’ve never met personally. We have no idea how old they are, where they work, what their lives are like. We might not know where they live. All we do know is sometimes they “like” or comment on something we’ve posted.

Real friends are a blessing, often a rare one.

We have “friends” at work, people we collaborate with on various projects. Outside of the workplace, however, we know little if anything about them. We have “friends” with whom we occasionally play golf, tennis, or maybe cards; friends we see only within the confines of the local church; neighborhood “friends” we wave at when we see them outside their homes; and friends we encounter through community events, school, or children’s sports teams. We probably wouldn’t choose them to accompany us on a walk through a dark alley.

What about “through thick and thin” friends, those folks who know us almost as well as we know ourselves, who have become integral to our lives? Do you have any of those? Are they a dying breed, destined to go the way of the dodo and the dinosaur?

It doesn’t have to be that way, even though today’s culture does little to encourage deep, meaningful relationships. We can’t be close friends with everyone; no one has that emotional capacity. But we all need someone (maybe more than one) we not only enjoy being with, but also can count on during tough times as well as good. You know, the “friend in need is a friend in deed” variety.

The Old Testament book of Proverbs, a collection of wisdom from King Solomon and other writers, says much about the values of true friendship, what it is, and what it isn’t. Here’s some advice on how to find a real friend like that:

Be selective. Not everyone should be invited into our inner circle of close friends. “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”  (Proverbs 18:24). Who is your “closer than a brother” friend?

Be wary of negative traits. People we spend considerable time with influence our thoughts and actions, good or bad.“Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk of making trouble” (Proverbs 24:1-2).“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).We have enough bad habits of our own without learning more from other people.

The best friends are constant. Anyone can be another’s friend when things are going well, or when they see a benefit in the relationship. But true friends remain during the hard times, when we have nothing to offer. “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). In another Old Testament book, Solomon made this observation: “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). When challenges and hardships arrive – as they will – it’s good to have someone there to walk with us through them.

Good friends make us better. We all can use true friends who have the ability to set our sights higher, both personally and professionally. “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” (Proverbs 19:20).

Seek friends who aren’t afraid to tell the truth. People who focus on flattery, who always try to tell us what they think we want to hear, aren’t friends. They’re manipulators. “A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin” (Proverbs 26:28). In contrast to that, the sincere, honest feedback of a friend, even when it’s hard to hear, can be like walking to a room filled with a wonderful aroma. “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel” (Proverbs 27:9). 

True friends can be trusted. Few things are worse than being betrayed by someone we believed was a friend we entrusted with confidential information. Can you trust your friend? “A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly” (Proverbs 12:23). “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much” (Proverbs 20:19).

No one is perfect, but true friends – people we want to be around us – should fit the criteria above. Do you have anyone like this? Many people, especially men, don’t. If not, we’re told to pray, asking God to send this kind of person our way. “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2).

Friends Shape Who We Are Tomorrow

Charlie “Tremendous” Jones, a noted motivational speaker, used to say, “Five years from now you’ll be the same except for the people you meet and the books you read.” A wise observation, but I’d add, “and the friends you make.” Because friends profoundly influence our lives, for good or for ill.

Few things compare to experiences enjoyed
through a good friendship.

A quotation I found recently elaborates: “The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower our standards. They either help us to become the best version of ourselves or encourage us to become lesser versions of ourselves. We become like our friends….”

The Bible offers some practical observations as well. For example, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). Another passage states, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).

During my life, for the most part, I’ve found myself among people with strong values and solid character. I don’t take credit for that, because during the late ‘60s and early ‘70s I could have easily been drawn into the growing drug culture. Somehow I avoided making those associations. Not that my collegiate experience was pristine, but I never became part of the “turn on, drop out” mentality popularized by Dr. Timothy Leary and others.

I say “somehow,” but God – even when I didn’t realize it – was leading me away from temptation and delivering me from evil, to paraphrase Jesus’ model prayer (Matthew 6:9-13, Luke 11:2-4). He has often protected me from myself when necessary, including graciously surrounding me with good friends.

We see examples every day of the impact friendships have. People receiving public honor tell how friends encouraged and challenged them along the way. Others recount how friends’ support and prayers helped them to endure unimaginable hardships. Sadly, in very different ways the nightly news is splashed with reports of individuals who, in the company of unsavory friends, engaged in all manner of illegal activities. Gang warfare across our nation can be attributed in part to people choosing the wrong friends to set standards and expectations for their lives.

Some of my favorite songs deal with the importance of friends and friendship, tunes like James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend” and Michael W. Smith’s “Friends.” And the theme song from the TV sitcom, “Golden Girls” – “Thank You for Being a Friend” – never fails to provoke a smile. There are few things better than a longtime, trusted friend with whom we’ve shared both good times and bad. As Proverbs 17:17 states, “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Of course, from a spiritual perspective, there can be no friend better than Jesus Christ. I can still hear Tennessee Ernie Ford singing the old hymn, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” When He walked the earth, Jesus told His followers, “You are My friends if you do what I command you.  No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because everything I have learned from My Father I have made known to you” (John 15:14-15).

Can you imagine that, Jesus Christ – God incarnate – saying to us, “You are My friends”? If a movie star we admired, a celebrated author, a famous vocalist or musician, or internationally renowned business executive were to say, “You are my friend,” that would be impressive. But for the Son of God to say that to each one of His followers, that is truly – dare I use the word? – AWESOME!

Without the slightest doubt, He is enabling me to become the very best version of myself. I hope you can say that as well.

Friendship: ‘Species’ in Danger?

Friends. Somehow they don’t seem to be what they used to be.

If you ask someone, “What is a friend?” you might be surprised at the responses you get. This used to be an easy question, but today the answer’s become muddled, thanks to technology and social media.

In these days of Facebook friends, Twitter followers, LinkedIn connections and text messaging, we’re in contact with more people than ever. In an instant, with just a few pecks on a computer or smart phone keyboard, we can have hundreds – even thousands – aware of our every thought, our every move. And often they reply back to us, offering reactions, suggestions, even snide comments. But are these really friends?

The popular and now-syndicated sit-com, “Friends,” seems outdated by the current network of virtual friends. In “Friends,” guys and gals hung out together, enjoying one another’s physical proximity. Together they experienced many of life’s highs and lows, and were there to offer or receive comfort and support whenever needed.

Today, physical presence is not essential to “friendship.” It’s common to see people standing or sitting with flesh-and-blood friends, ignoring them as they tap out messages on their phones and tablets to people nowhere in the vicinity, often ones they’ve never met face to face.

There's something about a true friendship that
social media cannot begin to replicate.

Thinking back over my boyhood and college years, friends were important. We shared our joys and struggles, but more importantly we were just there for each other, talking about whatever came to mind. These people became an important part of us, at least for a season.

It’s not that I’m opposed to Facebook friends, following other people on media like Twitter, or composing a text instead of making a traditional phone call. Times change, and it’s good to be able to connect with people in an ever-expanding array of communication alternatives.

But there’s something to be said for the old-fashioned kind of friend, the person you were happy to see, who was glad to just spend time together, talking, joking, bickering, whatever seemed to fit the moment.

The Bible has a lot to say about friendship, even though it was written centuries before Facebook would become a factor in human discourse. For instance, Proverbs 17:17 talks about the constancy of friendship: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Proverbs 18:24 points out the value of being selective in the choice of friends: “A man of many companions comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” And Proverbs 27:6 observes a true friend is not afraid to speak the truth: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted….” Other translations express it this way: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”

Jesus made perhaps the most profound statement about friendship when he said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends” (John 15:13). How many of your Facebook friends would do that?

I appreciate the advantages that social media offer us today, being able to communicate with people we could contact in no other way. And it’s an interesting means for becoming acquainted with people we’d never encounter otherwise. But I greatly appreciate my “live and in person” friends, those individuals I can see across a table, look in the eye, say what I want to say – and know they want to listen.

To each of them, to borrow a phrase from the theme song of “Golden Girls,” another sitcom about friendship, I say, “Thank you for being a friend.”

The People You Meet

“Five years from now, you’ll be the same except for the people you meet and the books you read.” The late Charlie “Tremendous” Jones often made that observation, stressing the importance of relationships and of reading.

In an age when many of our written words are presented electronically, I remain a strong advocate for book reading. But that’s fodder for another blog. As for people, it’s indisputable that many individuals I have met through school, work, church, even my neighborhood, have played a big part in shaping my life.

Some time ago I wrote about personalities that became major influences in my life, but even brief encounters can make a huge difference. For instance, I had a neighbor – not a follower of Christ – who challenged me to think more deeply about my faith and seek answers to tough questions. The managing editor of a newspaper where I worked briefly taught the importance of always having a “plan B.”

Speakers I heard at various writers’ conferences challenged me to treat the written word with reverence, respecting its power, appreciating its creativity, and valuing its integrity. Occasionally, complete strangers would appear during low times in my career to offer helpful words of encouragement.

I often write about relating spirituality to the workplace in practical ways. Numerous men and women I met through the years have modeled this for me, demonstrating that to lead, manage and work according to biblical principles is an ideal worthy of pursuit.

At its heart, the Bible is a book about relationships: Our relationship with God, and our relationships with one another. I think that’s why it exhorts, “and let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deed” (Hebrews 10:24). The impact we can have on others is both profound and immeasurable.

The People We Meet

My friend Jim passed away last week. He hired me in 1978 as editor for his newspaper in suburban Houston, Texas, and my three years there proved pivotal for my career. Jim was a hard-working, multi-faceted individual whose exploits ranged from Marine pilot to director of photography for National Geographic to entrepreneur.

I learned much from Jim about newspapering, photojournalism, business and perseverance, and I’m a different person for having known him. Thankfully, I was able to talk with him by phone a week before he died and again express appreciation for his impact on my life.

Someone has suggested that years from now we’ll be the same except for the books we read and the people we meet. (Another person has added “the food we eat” – but that’s fodder for another blog.) We don’t read books as we once did – thanks to the Internet, cable TV and myriad other forms of communication. However, the idea that our lives are greatly influenced by the people who cross our paths still holds true.

Throughout our tenure on earth, dozens – perhaps even hundreds – of people leave their imprint on our lives. I can think of family members, teachers, friends, pastors, bosses and coworkers that each have touched my life in unique, invaluable ways. They have helped in molding and shaping me into the person I have become.

Ultimately, I believe this is the measure of our lives – our legacy. It’s not about the money we earn, stuff we collect, titles we hold, or awards we win. It’s about making a difference. Even if we can influence just one life in a positive way, our own lives have significance and meaning.

Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Whose life is better today because of knowing you?