Tons of ‘Friends,’ But No Real Friendships?

Friends, we might say, are a dime a dozen these days. And we all know a dime isn’t worth what it used to be. If we spend any time at all on social media, we can collect “friends” much like we’d collect dandelions on a spring morning. We can get a lot of them, but what are they really worth?

 

One social media accounts says I have more than 1,000 friends. Isn’t that impressive? But I bet if I were to encounter 90 percent of them in the mall or at Walmart, I’d have no clue who they were. And they wouldn’t know me either.

 

Other social media report on “followers” rather than friends, but the idea’s the same. It’s nice to know we’re connected – even if only in a cyberspace kind of way. However, if we were in a crisis, how many of these “friends” or followers could we count on for help?

 

Promotional photo of the cast
of "Friends." (Wikipedia image)

Many of us remember the famous sitcom, “Friends,” that ran on TV for years. What a gang they were, having fun and sharing one another’s joys and sorrows. They still live in the world of reruns, but I digress. We’ve denigrated what means to be a friend, applying it to casual acquaintances at work, people we sometimes run into at the grocery store, individuals we shake hands with during meet-and-greet times at church, folks we see at the gym, and so on.

But shouldn’t true friendship amount to more than recognizing faces, knowing someone’s first name, and exchanging, "Hi, how ya doin'?"

 

We could do a bit of research, checking to see what famous people have said about friends and friendship. But I’ll leave that to you. I can think of no greater source to consult about friends than the Bible. No one could say it any better than Jesus: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). Then He proceeded to do just that by willingly dying on the cross to atone for our sins.

 

The book of 1 Samuel in the Old Testament offers a stellar example of true friendship in David, the future kind of Israel, and Jonathan, the son of David’s predecessor, King Saul, who had severe security issues. 

 

When Saul plotted to kill David, Jonathan stepped up in David’s defense on several occasions and then went to warn him of the deranged king’s threats. At times he even risked his own father’s indignation in defending David: 

“Saul’s anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, ‘You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don’t I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame…? As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established….’ But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David” (1 Samuel 20:30-33).

 

At the poignant end of their last meeting, we read, “David bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together – but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, ‘Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord…’” (1 Samuel 20:41-42). He was referring to a covenant of friendship they had made years earlier.

 

To the day he died in battle along with his evil father, Jonathan remained faithful to his friend David, even sacrificing his own aspirations. He epitomized what another king of Israel, Solomon, one day would write: “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17).

 

We might never be a position of having to put our lives at risk for defending or protecting a friend, but many people have – and in so doing confirmed the depth of their commitment. True friendship refuses to limit itself to the superficial. As the adage says, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” 

 

Proverbs 18:24 states it this way: “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” We all need friends like this, and we need to be a friend like this to someone as well.

Finding Intimacy in a World of Superficiality

Suppose someone asked you to describe our society with one single word. How would you respond? That would probably be a hard assignment, with many possibilities, but I would submit the word, “superficial.”

 

Everywhere we look we can find evidence of widespread superficiality. Social media serve as a prime example. We might have hundreds of “friends” or “followers,” but how many of them do we know personally? If we were to bump into them on the sidewalk or in a shopping mall, would we recognize them? Would they recognize us and know our name?

 

But social media aren’t the only culprit. Work relationships also tend to be superficial, functional only as long as we’re on the job together. When we go home, most of those relationships are forgotten at least until the next workday. If we leave for another position, or if someone else is terminated or finds other employment, the relationship typically ends.

Even when we attend church, how often do we venture beyond the usual, “Hi!” “How are you?” “I’m fine” exchanges? That’s one reason churches – especially large ones – have embraced the use of small groups (or whatever they choose to call them). By meeting together regularly, group members hopefully can probe below the surface. Even then, however, success is hit-and-miss.

 

As followers of Jesus Christ, we’re called to venture far beyond the superficial. We’re called to pursue intimacy, first with God and then our brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

Our society often sees intimacy through a sexual lens, but even physical closeness can remain confined to the superficial – as we often see portrayed on TV and in films. People perceiving one another based on outward appearances or only in terms of how they can benefit one another.

 

Someone has defined the biblical view of intimacy – a cure for superficiality – as “Into Me See.” This is exactly how the Lord approaches relationships with us. We see it expressed in 1 Samuel 16:7 when God tells the prophet Samuel, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

 

How unlike us, right? We’re all about the outward appearance: Is she pretty? Is he handsome? We evaluate people by how they dress, how they speak, whether they project confidence, what kind of outward success they have achieved. In other words, the superficial.

 

Throughout the Scriptures, we find the Lord isn’t like that at all. The book of Proverbs offers some examples. It says, “All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord” (Proverbs 16:2). Similarly, Proverbs 21:2 declares, “All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.” His concern is our “inmost being,” described in Psalm 51:6, Psalm 139:13 and other passages.

 

Perhaps the most moving example of all is recounted in John 21:15-23, the exchange Jesus had with Simon Peter along the shore of the Sea of Tiberius, following the Lord’s resurrection. Peter had denied Jesus three times during His trial conducted by the religious leaders. Clearly he still carried the burden of betrayal.

 

After Peter, Thomas, Nathanael and two other disciples had consumed a breakfast Jesus had prepared for them, the Lord took Peter aside and asked him, “Simon son of John, do you truly love Me more than these?” Peter replied, “Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.” Twice more Jesus asked, “Simon son of John, do you truly love Me?”

 

Each time after Peter responded, Jesus said, “Feed My lambs” or “Take care of My sheep.” In effect this was to reinstate the disciple and assure him that his fearful denials were forgiven. Having spent three years, 24/7 with Peter and the other disciples, Jesus emphasized He wanted not superficial allegiance, but total, from the heart devotion in delegating to them the greatest mission of all time.

 

What about us? We understand the Lord wants us to follow Him wholeheartedly, establishing an intimacy with Him that surpasses any other relationship. That’s a challenge for us in itself. But experiencing intimacy with many people, even fellow believers, isn’t just impractical. It seems impossible. That’s why the Scriptures tell us to be careful in choosing our closest friends.

 

We sometimes hear folks describe relationships in terms like, “I’d go to war with him” or “He’s someone I’d want to be with me if I were walking in a dark alley.” These imply a sense of trust. But biblical intimacy calls for even more. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” 

 

The contrast between superficiality and intimacy is evident in Proverbs 18:24 which observes, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” 

 

We’re all in a spiritual war for our hearts and souls. “Friends” on social media may entertain us, make us laugh, or even offer inspirational thoughts. But we need a few true intimates we can rely on to stay with us through the proverbial thick-and-thin. Do you have anyone like that?

There are ‘Friends’ – and Then There Are Friends

How many friends do you have? If you’re on Facebook, as so many of us are, you might have hundreds of Facebook “friends.” If you’re in the workplace and on LinkedIn, you may dozens – even hundreds – of more connections. If you engage in other social media, like Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat, you might have myriad other “friends” as well. But are they really friends?

Friends come in many different varieties.

Recently on his radio program, Dr. David Jeremiah noted most of us can classify our “friends” into one of four categories: 

• Contact friends, people we say hello to at the gym, grocery store, or neighbors we see only in passing; 
• Casual friends, those we might join for a round of golf, a school project, or even a Bible study; 
• Close friends, perhaps those we collaborate with at work or go to lunch with, close enough to share some personal information we don’t care to have widely disseminated; 
• Committed friends, folks we can depend on in good times and bad. Especially the bad times when they’re needed most.

We have some family members who have never met a stranger and seem to be friends with just about everyone they meet. Most of us, however, are more discriminating in our selection of friends – at least the close and committed ones.

Since I’m basically an introvert, and seem to be more introverted the older I get, there’s only so much room in my life for real friends. Yes, I’ve got lots of the Facebook variety, whether old school chums or people I know from church or places I worked, or those with whom I trade puns. (Only the highest caliber people engage in plays on words, don’t you know.)

There are a number of men that I stay in touch with that I was in discipling/mentoring relationships with over the years. After meeting weekly or at least a couple times a month, seeing one another grow in our walk with the Lord, it’s pretty common to develop bonds you want to maintain long after the scheduled meetings have ended.

But friends of the close and committed variety, I’ve got just a handful. And that’s okay. I’ve only got so much emotional capacity to go around, and once it’s been expended on my family members, it’s in kind of short supply.

So who – or what – should we be looking for in choosing our close and committed friends? I have some opinions, but as with many areas of life, I’ve found biblical wisdom a much better guide for making such important selections. There are sound principles regarding friendship in the Bible from front to back, but the book of Proverbs alone gives us enough to consider:

To begin with, we’re told who not to select as close or committed friends. In fact, we’re to run, not walk from unsavory company: “Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way” (Proverbs 4:14-15). Another verse presents a similar warning: “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26).

Wisdom can be contagious – along with its opposite. So if we’re going to “catch” something from our friends, wisdom is always the better alternative: “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). “Stay away from a foolish man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips” (Proverbs 14:7).

The same holds true for people who possess characteristics we wouldn’t put on our wish lists. The less influence they have on us, the better: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25). “Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path. Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rage” (Proverbs 23:19-21).

There are other passages we could cite from Proverbs alone, but here are two that distinguish between “close” friends and “committed” friends: “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

So if you were to assess your friends today, which categories would you have the most? We all need friends, but being selective in who we spend most of our time can make a big difference.

To ‘Friend’ or Not to ‘Friend’

What’s become of friendship? These days it seems being a friend just isn’t what it used to be.

When I was a boy, we found friends basically in two places – the neighborhood and at school. Weekends, time after school, and those lazy crazy days of summer were spent in the physical presence of kids that lived in our subdivision, playing sports and games or just hanging out around the corner fire hydrant. At school I also had friendships, although those were limited to classes and the schoolyard. But we did talk, eye to eye, face to face.

We play fast and loose with the term "friendship."
Real friendships require commitment and camaraderie.

Being friends today, however, has become something different. Friends might gather, but their noses are stuck in their smart phones, texting and tweeting – sometimes to the person standing next to them. Why talk when you can text and tweet, right? And with the explosion of social media, we have an entirely different collection of friends – some we’ll never meet in person.

We have LinkedIn contacts, Twitter followers, and Facebook “friends,” some of whom we connect with through other friends, whether they live in our city or somewhere in cyberspace. Used to be a friend was someone you’d shake hands with, or if so inclined, even share a friendly hug. (With guys, that’s usually a quick embrace, two pats on the back, and then release.)

There are other forms of social media as well, but being the basic introvert that I am, there’s only so much “social” that I can handle. The point is, just because someone comments on your social media posts, exchanges barbs with you occasionally, or “likes” a link that you “share,” does that really make them a friend?

In fact, sometimes a dilemma arises: When should you “un-friend” someone? In the olden days, when friends were really friends, friendships did end – over arguments, changing schools, moving to a different city, or simply no longer having things in common. But as someone recently wondered on Facebook, when’s it time to cut cyber-ties with someone that doesn’t act friendly?

He asked: “So do you un-friend somebody who repeatedly speaks harshly to and about your religion or do you just ignore them and keep them so that they can see your posts?”

Good question. In times past, we engaged in face-to-face discussions, debates or arguments. Now, cloaked in the guise of online anonymity, people can criticize whatever you post, be downright mean if they choose. Hence the dilemma: To “friend” or not to “friend”?

Overall I enjoy social media and appreciate its benefits. I’ve been able to reconnect with old friends from years ago, and get acquainted (as much as social media allows) with people I'd never have encountered otherwise. But in many cases, calling them friends is a stretch.

Which leads to another question: What is a friend, in the truest sense? We all have opinions about that. We can have golf or tennis buddies, a friend that does our taxes, someone we chat with at the sports bar while watching the game, or friends we see only at church. But to me, being a friend requires more.

I like what the Bible says about friendship. For example: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). If your “friend” is there when times are good, but flees at the first hint of hardship, you might be justified in questioning the quality of the friendship.

Proverbs 18:24 asserts, “A man of many companions may come to ruin; but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” A friend is someone that’s there no matter what – loyal, dependable, faithful.

But perhaps the greatest definition of friendship, in my view, is what Jesus said: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends” (John 15:13). War sometimes fosters such friendship. Occasionally we hear of someone putting their life on the line for loved ones. Jesus himself provided the ultimate example.

Such friendship demands a lot more than quick posts on a social media site, tweets or spontaneous texts. It’s the kind of friendship most of us would like to have. And the kind of friendship we’d like to demonstrate, if circumstances warranted.