Friends, Fake Friends, and Real Friends

When you hear the word “friend,” what comes to mind? 

These days, friend can mean many different things. We have “friends” on Facebook and other social media we’ve never met personally. We have no idea how old they are, where they work, what their lives are like. We might not know where they live. All we do know is sometimes they “like” or comment on something we’ve posted.

Real friends are a blessing, often a rare one.

We have “friends” at work, people we collaborate with on various projects. Outside of the workplace, however, we know little if anything about them. We have “friends” with whom we occasionally play golf, tennis, or maybe cards; friends we see only within the confines of the local church; neighborhood “friends” we wave at when we see them outside their homes; and friends we encounter through community events, school, or children’s sports teams. We probably wouldn’t choose them to accompany us on a walk through a dark alley.

What about “through thick and thin” friends, those folks who know us almost as well as we know ourselves, who have become integral to our lives? Do you have any of those? Are they a dying breed, destined to go the way of the dodo and the dinosaur?

It doesn’t have to be that way, even though today’s culture does little to encourage deep, meaningful relationships. We can’t be close friends with everyone; no one has that emotional capacity. But we all need someone (maybe more than one) we not only enjoy being with, but also can count on during tough times as well as good. You know, the “friend in need is a friend in deed” variety.

The Old Testament book of Proverbs, a collection of wisdom from King Solomon and other writers, says much about the values of true friendship, what it is, and what it isn’t. Here’s some advice on how to find a real friend like that:

Be selective. Not everyone should be invited into our inner circle of close friends. “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”  (Proverbs 18:24). Who is your “closer than a brother” friend?

Be wary of negative traits. People we spend considerable time with influence our thoughts and actions, good or bad.“Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk of making trouble” (Proverbs 24:1-2).“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).We have enough bad habits of our own without learning more from other people.

The best friends are constant. Anyone can be another’s friend when things are going well, or when they see a benefit in the relationship. But true friends remain during the hard times, when we have nothing to offer. “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). In another Old Testament book, Solomon made this observation: “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). When challenges and hardships arrive – as they will – it’s good to have someone there to walk with us through them.

Good friends make us better. We all can use true friends who have the ability to set our sights higher, both personally and professionally. “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” (Proverbs 19:20).

Seek friends who aren’t afraid to tell the truth. People who focus on flattery, who always try to tell us what they think we want to hear, aren’t friends. They’re manipulators. “A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin” (Proverbs 26:28). In contrast to that, the sincere, honest feedback of a friend, even when it’s hard to hear, can be like walking to a room filled with a wonderful aroma. “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel” (Proverbs 27:9). 

True friends can be trusted. Few things are worse than being betrayed by someone we believed was a friend we entrusted with confidential information. Can you trust your friend? “A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly” (Proverbs 12:23). “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much” (Proverbs 20:19).

No one is perfect, but true friends – people we want to be around us – should fit the criteria above. Do you have anyone like this? Many people, especially men, don’t. If not, we’re told to pray, asking God to send this kind of person our way. “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2).

Building Us Up . . . or Tearing Us Down?

We can try, but no one can truly be an "island."

In 1624, poet John Donne wrote, “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main….” It’s the same today, nearly 400 years later. Some of us might like to live as autonomously as possible, but being “islands” isn’t possible. We influence – and are influenced by – the people that surround us, whether at work, in school, at home, wherever we go.

This raises several questions: What kind of influence will we have on others? What kind of influence will others have on us? And lastly, who will those people be?

A friend of mine, Scott, the CEO of a large corporation, offered the following insights:

“The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower our standards. They either help us to become the best-version of ourselves, or encourage us to become lesser versions of ourselves. We become like our friends. No man becomes great on his own. No woman becomes great on her own. The people around them help to make them great.

We all need people in our lives who raise our standards, remind us of our essential purpose, and challenge us to become the best-version of ourselves.”

Scott’s right. To think we can maintain standards and values by ourselves denies reality. Those we spend the most time with have an impact on our lives whether we’re conscious of it or not. It’s critical that we choose those people wisely. Do we want to become the “best-version” or ourselves, or accept a much lesser version?

When a President is elected, much consideration is given to those comprising the President’s Cabinet and chief advisors. Their influence – as well as the responsibilities they shoulder – help define the Chief Executive’s success or failure. The new head of a company carefully selects his or her leadership team, knowing they can help in making key decisions. A football coaches chooses assistants not only for their skills and expertise, but also for values that complement his own.

We also should be diligent in determining who we will “hang out” with on a regular basis. Are they people who will raise our standards – or ones that have the effect of lowering them? Because this is so important, the Bible devotes much attention to it. Proverbs 27:17 points out, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” This acknowledges there will be instances of necessary friction and heat; “sharpening” relationships sometimes produce sparks.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 presents profound observations about the impact we can have on one another. It states, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up…. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Sooner or later, we all stumble, fall down despite our best efforts. Who will be there to help us up? Will it be someone to steady us and get us back on track, or someone to cause us to fall even farther?

If our desire is to become the best-version of ourselves, we need others that offer encouragement and support. Regardless of our standing in society, we’d be wise to implement the admonition of Hebrews 10:24-25, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together…but let us encourage one another….”

Even Jesus found it necessary to identify others to help with His redemptive mission, 12 men among many followers to carry on His work. It was a rag-tag, unpredictable bunch, but 11 of them eventually proved faithful in helping to establish the strong spiritual foundation upon which the Church – the body of Christ – still stands and grows. One of them, Judas Iscariot, failed the course, but even he served as an instrument for Jesus to accomplish His atoning sacrifice on the cross.

Again, the questions are worth pondering: Who are we influencing – and who are having the greatest influence on us? As Proverbs 18:24 says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” We all need the latter – hopefully more than one.

When the Phone Rings . . .

You’ve probably received the call. It’s usually in the dead of night, or in the morning’s wee hours, but when the phone rings you know it’s one of two things – either a drunk on the other end of the line, or someone calling to inform you of news you don’t want to hear.

Dave Stoddard (second from left), his family and friends.

I received one of those last week, except in the mid-afternoon when heart-wrenching phone calls aren’t expected. My longtime friend, Dave Stoddard, president and founder of the non-profit I work with, had passed away very unexpectedly during a business trip in Denver. One of his sons, Aaron, maintained his composure enough to share with me some sketchy details. Dave had died apparently of natural causes, even though he’d not expressed feeling ill.

What do you say at a time like that? I’m a wordsmith, but the best I could muster was, “Oh, man. I’m so sorry.” The loss for Dave’s wife, Anne, their two sons and daughter were paramount, but the void suddenly slicing into my own heart was beyond expression.

He was one of my best friends, virtually like a brother – in the best sense of the word. In fact, the Bible says, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). Dave was like that. We had spent many hours together, at meetings and conferences, traveling, in his home, sometimes engaging in deep, serious discussions – other times being as crazy as two grown men can be.

We could go weeks without talking to each other, and the next time we got together or connected by phone seemed like there had been no lapse. We both were Army brats and grew up in New Jersey, but what linked us most closely was our passion for Christ and desire to help others fall in love with Him, too.

But when I received that phone call, I knew I’d never talk to my friend again on this side of eternity. Even though I knew Dave was with his Lord, the gaping hole left in this life, for family and friends, was unfathomable. It was one of those proverbial pinch-yourself moments, hoping to wake up and be relieved to discover it was only a dream. Problem is, I wasn’t sleeping.

Dave and I go back about 30 years, soon after I joined the staff of Christian Business Men’s Committee (CBMC). I had interviewed him for a couple of articles in the CBMC magazine while he was a rising star in the medical supplies industry, and later worked with him on the CBMC executive staff team. Dave could have become president of his company within a few years, but he and his wife wanted to give their lives to something more enduring than selling high-quality medical equipment.

Dave Stoddard, stellar athlete and competitor
that he always was, truly finished well.

Without question he was a devoted follower of Jesus Christ, but never fit Christian stereotypes. He hung out with ease among non-believers, never forgetting his own days as a skeptic of Christianity, exploring various avenues of spirituality, including Transcendental Meditation, before realizing Jesus wasn’t kidding when He declared, “I am the way and the truth and the life” (John 14:6). And Dave understood the difference between religion (with its rules, rituals, organization and dogma) and spirituality – the desire to know the God of the universe and discover how to have a growing relationship with Him.

He founded Leaders Legacy to leverage his professional expertise and assist business owners and top executives for companies large and small through mentoring, executive coaching, leadership development and team building. In the process, he hoped and prayed for opportunities to talk with leaders about matters beyond the workplace – matters of faith and the heart.

In 2001 he offered me an opportunity to join his team after learning I was sensing it was time to leave CBMC after 20 years. I’ll always remember his words: “Bob, I’ve always felt you were underappreciated and underutilized in your role. If you ever need a place, somewhere you can flourish and become all God wants you to be, we have a place for you.” Wow! Are those affirming, encouraging words or what?

Together we co-authored a book, The Heart of Mentoring: Ten Proven Principles for Developing People to Their Fullest Potential. It’s about Dave’s experiences in a unique approach to one-to-one, relational mentoring, based on simple, straight-forward principles. It’s sold more than 26,000 copies – not exactly a runaway bestseller, but far more successful than most books. And from various accounts, it’s touched many lives.

Over the past 12 years, he probably taught me as much as any single person in my life. And I’d like to think he learned a few things of value from me as well.

When you spend a lot of time with someone there’s so much you could say and write. But I think I can wrap this up with a few thoughts. Dave loved his Lord, first and foremost. He truly loved his wife and children. I never heard him conclude a phone call with any of them without saying, “Love you (and then saying their name).” And he loved people, regardless of status, age, ethnicity, gender or political persuasion. Because he could love them through the eyes of Jesus.

As my thoughts and memories (and some tears) flowed in the hours after I learned of Dave’s death, one passage impressed itself on my mind.

Opening his letter to followers of Jesus in the city of Philippi, the apostle Paul had assured them, “Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel” (Philippians 1:12). Verses later the apostle wrote, “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.” Then he concluded, “for to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:20-21).

Even though the sting of loss is so real for his family – and his many friends – I’m certain to the last Dave held to the conviction, “for to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

The organization he founded is aptly called Leaders Legacy, because he indeed left a wonderful legacy. I suspect in the coming days, weeks, months and years, it’s a legacy that will flourish and continue bringing much glory to God.

We miss you, Dave. See you soon!