Managing the Marriage Marathon

Every year people stand before an altar and say “I do” to each other. Then some morning one of them wakes up and says in wonderment, “I did?” Or, after trying this institution called “marriage” for a time, decides, “I don’t!” Roughly 50 percent of marriages end up on the scrap heap. A sad fact.

 

In one respect, it’s understandable. It’s trite to say, but true – opposites attract. Two people from totally different backgrounds, along with diverse interests, skills and values, and often unlike personalities, are drawn together and attempt to build a permanent, happy relationship. Not to mention neither is perfect or anywhere close; how can you create a “perfect union” out of imperfection? Too often, once the honeymoon ends, rather than attract, opposites choose to attack.

 

Maybe part of the problem is what I’d call the “rom-com syndrome.” Romantic comedies make love seem so simple, such a splendid thing. There’s the “meet cute” when man and woman have a serendipitous encounter. There’s almost always instant chemistry. Then, a week or so later, they decide even though they’re as different as water and fire, they’ve found true love.

 

We never get to see the sequel, where the neat freak loses patience with the slob, or the homebody faces constant friction with the partner who likes to flit from place to place. Introverts tend to marry extroverts, and spenders are inclined to link up with savers, so conflict is inevitable. 

 

But there’s good news! Marriages can – and do – last, some for many years. We just attended a celebration for a couple married for 50 years. My wife and I just celebrated a milestone of our own, being married for 52 years. More than half a century!

 

I’m not being self-congratulatory. Because the credit doesn’t go to us. It totally goes to our Lord who has kept us together despite the many hurdles we’ve had to overcome through those years: Old baggage. Financial problems. Health challenges. Difficult family issues. Dealing with major course corrections God provided during our adventure of life together.

 

It’s been said the best model for marriage should be a triangle, with husband and wife at opposite ends of the base and Jesus Christ at the top. The closer the couple grows toward Christ, the closer they grow toward each other. That’s been our experience. 

 

Early in our marriage, even though we met at a church, Jesus wasn’t a significant part of our lives. We kept Him at an arm’s length, disinclined to let Him interfere with life the way we wanted to pursue it. The problem was we had no idea about how to forge a strong marriage and build a healthy family. By God’s grace, He put us in churches and surrounded us with friends that taught and modeled for us what a Christ-honoring home looked like.

 

There’s no “secret” to marital longevity. They say that life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. The same holds true for marriage. But it shouldn’t be simply a matter of endurance, of trying to “grin and bear it.” It should be a demonstration of teamwork and partnership, grounded in mutual love and respect – two different people complementing one another, carrying out differing roles but sharing the same goals.

 

Over the years the Lord has taught me many lessons about what it takes to make a marriage work. Even now I’m hardly an expert, but here are just a handful of the things I’ve learned:

 

I’d have to start with principles from 1 Corinthians 13, often recited during wedding ceremonies but too quickly forgotten even before the reception. That doesn’t mean they’re not valid or worth applying. The passage tells us that love, the kind God designed: 

“…is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

 

Every failing marriage, I’m certain, lacks some of those traits. When ‘self’ is on the throne, insisting on always having its own way, it’s hard to cultivate marital unity.

 

Teamwork is important on an athletic field, in workplace settings, and especially in marriage. As Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 affirms, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

 

I especially like the “cord of three strands.” If Jesus is one of the ‘strands,’ being a central part of the marriage, chances for success rise exponentially.

 

For me, it’s been critically important learning to tame my tongue. Proverbs 10:19 says it well: “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Much of my adult life, especially when angry, I had a distressing tendency to put my tongue into gear while my mind was still in park. Putting it another way, to give someone a piece of my mind I couldn’t afford to lose.

 

The destructive power of uncontrolled anger is so common that Proverbs offers numerous warnings. For instance: “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly” (Proverbs 14:29).

 

Proverbs 17:28 states, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent.” Perhaps that’s been the inspiration for a quote attributed to various people, including Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain: “It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

 

Why’s it not a good idea to just say whatever’s on our mind? Proverbs 26:21 suggests the answer: “As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.” As I learned and still strive to practice, rather than spouting words in the heat of the moment, wait a little while. Many times, once emotion has calmed down, you won’t even remember what you were mad about!

Bottom line: If we follow God’s guidelines and submit to His authority, He is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20). As they say, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it! 

What Makes a Marriage Work Long-Term?

When I was a lot younger, I would see news articles about couples celebrating their 50^th anniversaries and marvel. As a newspaper editor, I even wrote about some of them myself. But I would often wonder, ‘How do folks stay married that long?’

 

Well, surprise! Last year my wife and I joined that elite and increasingly rare company, and now we’ve started our second half-century together. How can that be? We’re not that old! 

Despite spending more than five decades together, we’re not ‘experts.’ We’re imperfect people and have had our share of struggles, just as everyone does – health, financial, family. Thankfully, they’ve ultimately served to strengthen our relationship, and by trusting in God and His grace, our marriage has survived and thrived.

 

There are many reasons why “golden anniversary” couples are so uncommon. People are getting married much later in life – if they marry at all. If folks get married in their late 20s, early 30s or even after that, their likelihood of arriving at the big 5-0 diminishes considerably. Just do the math.

 

But an even greater reason for not seeing marital longevity is too often married couples bail in the face of difficulties, rather than determining to work through them together. It’s said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ but too often folks think it’s easier to quit and get a divorce than weather the challenges that can forge strong marital bonds.

 

There’s no ‘secret sauce’ to making the union between a man and a woman succeed, but I think a good formula is found in a Bible passage that’s often included in wedding ceremonies but not always taken seriously. It’s 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which says:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails….”

 

These words are easy to recite during the rite in which a man and a woman become husband and wife. But they are very difficult to live out. Because in our ‘Me, me, me,’ self-focused world, this passage exhorts us to put the needs and interests of the other person first.

 

Being patient means setting aside our agendas and timing when things don’t seem to be going our way. Kindness is directed toward the other person, often sacrificially; it’s needed even when we might not want to extend it. Envy, boasting, pride, rudeness and self-seeking – all involve putting oneself ahead of the other, which doesn’t serve to honor or uplift the marriage partner. 

 

We might be able to justify anger, but a reasonable husband or wife learns to control how it’s expressed, constructively or destructively. And just as it’s wise to avoid becoming hysterical, it’s also good to refrain from being historical. Harboring resentment and withholding forgiveness over past wrongs serves no good purpose.

 

Focusing on truth and rejecting evil in any of its myriad forms are foundational for a healthy marital relationship. And love in its truest form seeks to protect, maintains trust, has high hopes for the other person, and determines to persevere. That’s why the words “in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer” are included in many wedding vows. The covenant of marriage is the commitment to stay with one another no matter what. Love, in spite of adversity, is to be permanent, unfailing.

 

When we reflect on the passage in 1 Corinthians 13, we see these qualities best exhibited in the life, death and resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. John 3:16 familiarly reminds us, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” And as He looked toward the cross, Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). 

 

Can you imagine a greater love than what we see demonstrated by the Father and the Son? “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

 

Many places in the Scriptures describe the relationship between the Lord and His Church ias a marriage, with the universal body of believers being His bride. Jesus’ first miracle took place at a wedding (John 2:1-11), and the culmination of His work also involves a wedding: “Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride [the Church] has made herself ready…. ‘Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!’” (Revelation 19:7,9).

What’s our takeaway? Marriage is hard work. It’s sacrificial. But the rewards for persevering and learning to love unconditionally are priceless – and eternal. 

Valentine’s Day: Good Time to Revisit What Love Really Means

Valentine’s Day. It’s about that time again. When the holiday comes around, what do you think of? Hearts, flowers, boxes of candy, sentimental cards, romantic dinners? LOVE? But what do we mean when speaking about “love,” anyway? What comes to your mind when you hear the word?

If we’re to believe Hollywood, it’s about being all starry-eyed, hearts a-fluttering, and uttering profound words like, “You complete me” or, “You had me at ‘hello’.” (Yes, I’ve seen the movie, “Jerry Maguire.”) TV, commercial films and books insist it’s about animal attraction, “chemistry,” or believing “it can’t be wrong when it feels so right.” Right? Even super-sappy Hallmark movies preach, “You’ll know it when he/she is the one!” 

But is that what love’s really about – being all mushy, gushy toward each other? An emotional state that’s so easy to fall into – and fall out of, when the novelty wears off?

I’d like to think not. After more than 45 years of marriage, through the good and the bad, sickness and health, poorer and richer (comparatively speaking, that is), we’ve discovered that for love to last, it’s going to require lots more than fickle feelings.

So, getting back to the earlier question, what is love really all about? To put it another way, what should love be all about? To find the answer, there’s no better source than a very familiar passage from the Bible’s New Testament, one you’ve probably heard more than once at weddings you’ve attended. You might even have used it at your own.

The passage? It’s 1 Corinthians 13:1-13, particularly verses 4-7. 

It opens with a description of what our actions might look like in the absence of love: 

“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

Those words alone are convicting. For instance, I might believe I can recognize the truth of a situation, but when I offer my perspective, I’m lacking the sensitivity, compassion and love needed for conveying my message.

Are you old enough to remember “The Gong Show”? Contestants on that show knew the resounding gong wasn’t the sound they wanted to hear. And having performed in the percussion section of my high school marching and concert bands (as they say, “back in the day”), I learned a thing or two about clanging cymbals. ‘Nuf said!

But the next several verses really get to the crux of the true meaning of love. These are the words that will probably ring a bell with you: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

Wow! Each of those descriptors deserve an entire chapter in a book: Patient. Kind. Not envious. Not boastful or proud. Not rude. Not self-seeking. Slow to anger. Doesn’t get “historical” by refusing to forget past wrongs. Shuns evil. Cherishes the truth. Protects. Trusts. Hopes. Perseveres.

Do these sound like the qualities emphasized in our culture? Probably not. Because our culture insists, “It’s all about me.” Being patient, kind, humble and trusting requires being focused toward the other person.

Being rude, self-centered, quick to become anger, suspicious, and eager to give up when the going gets difficult are easier to do, because we’re doing what comes naturally. But if we keep in mind the one Person who embodied love, maybe we can resist the natural impulses.

As Hebrews 12:3 instructs us, “For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” And Jesus Himself, before putting these words into action, underscored the sacrificial, selfless qualities of genuine love: “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). It can’t be said any better than that.

Marriage: An Unnecessarily Endangered Species

Today is a special day. It marks 43 years that my wife, Sally, and I have been married. I know this puts us in a minority group – couples that have been married for 30, 40 or more years. It’s sad in a way, because years ago such longevity was more the rule than the exception. Today, long-married couples are just as likely to receive an incredulous, “Really?!” as a “Congratulations!”

Who could have guessed one woman
could put up with me all these years?

An old hit tune repeated the words, “Love and marriage, love and marriage – go together like a horse and carriage.” It seems just as the horse and carriage have been consigned to history books and old movies, in the minds of some, marriage should as well.

When was the last time you saw a loving, thriving marriage depicted on one of your favorite TV shows? (Except maybe on the Hallmark Channel.) Among the shows I regularly watch, hardly anyone is married; if they are, the spouse is either invisible, or a thorn in the side.

Movies, for the most part, are worse. Wholesome, healthy marriages are virtually unheard-of, treated as vestiges of some prehistoric age. Entertainment news applauds twosomes that have been “together” for years without the burden of a marriage license or having exchanged wedding vows. Years ago, such relationships were scandalous. As for celebrity couples that do marry, gossip piranhas eagerly devour the gory details if – and when – they decide marriage is too difficult, too demanding, and decide divorce is a far better option.  

Thankfully, there still are those who believe in the institution of marriage, and don’t believe people who stay married should be institutionalized. I have friends, Ted and Tudi, who just celebrated 50 years of marriage. A whole half-century together! And one of my former bosses and his wife were married for more than 70 years before she passed away last year.

Of course, even for the best and strongest of marriages, “easy” isn’t part of the vocabulary. The notion of “perpetual wedded bliss” happens only in fairy tales and at the end of some Disney cartoons. You can’t have marriage without struggles, challenges, hardships and disagreements galore. Despite the tough times, there are those of us who have discovered that love and marriage do go together – like, uh, well, a car and GPS.

What does it take to build a lasting marriage? Despite more than four decades of being married to the same woman, I’m hardly an authority. But I do know it calls for large quantities of perseverance, patience, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. (In our particular case, my wife has needed to use each of these more than me!)

Love’s a big part of it, but not just the emotional kind. In the Greek, there are multiple words for “love,” including: eros (sexual love); phileo (friendship love); and apage (selfless, sacrificial love). A successful marriage requires all three, but selfless, sacrificial love is especially important. Because that’s where the tread of the words, “in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer,” meets the road.

To find a guideline for a lasting marriage, God has provided a concise formula in a passage often incorporated into wedding ceremonies: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). If we want to create a recipe for a failing marriage, simply leave out several of these ingredients.

Patience, kindness, humility, respect, forgiveness, being focused on one another and slow to anger, truthfulness, trust, belief in one another, and refusing to quit. These are Christ-empowered, Christ-like hallmarks of a marriage that will not only endure the inevitable storms and rigors of daily living, but also serve as a beacon of hope for others embarking on the adventure we know as “marriage.” Not one of us possesses or demonstrates any of these qualities 100% of the time. But they’re worth striving for!

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Today being Valentine’s Day, it seemed appropriate to write something about love. (Not that I’m an expert or anything – although I highly recommend it.)

The question is, what is love – really?

According to the media, entertainment industry, even our nation’s evolving culture, love is all about feeling. Something you fall into or fall out of, depending on your mood, the time of day, or the person you’re with at the moment.

Shows like “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” showcase a couple dozen attractive women (or men) throwing themselves at a willing member of the opposite sex. Everyone “falls in love” countless times during the progressing episodes in the series. If someone catches your eye and you feel a pleasant tingling in your “naughty bits” (as classical singer Katherine Jenkins termed it on “Dancing With the Stars”), you most definitely must be in love.

Of course, this idea’s hardly new. Years ago the TV sitcom “The Love Boat” (I called it “The Lust Boat”) assembled sexy-looking singles and over the course of a several-day cruise, many of them found “love.”

But is that what true love is all about – “You look good, you make me feel good, therefore I love you”?

Years ago I was a newspaper editor in Tomball, Texas. (If you’ve never heard of it, it’s a town about 30 miles north of Houston. Its name actually came from a fellow named Tom Ball.) Anyway, I joined the local Rotary Club to connect with some of the community’s movers and shakers.

One of the members – moving, but no longer doing much shaking – was a engaging old guy named Jimmy Tanner. He was Rotary’s self-proclaimed poet laureate, and every couple of weeks or so he’d regale us with a brief recitation of “poemtry.” One he offered frequently fits Valentine’s Day. According to Jimmy:

A song is not a song until it’s sung;

A bell is not a bell until it’s rung.

Now love wasn’t given in your heart to stay –

For love isn’t love ‘til you give it away.

There’s a lot of wisdom in those few words. Contrary to the prevailing notion that love is something you get, love should be something you give. I suppose that’s why 1 Corinthians 13 is so popular at marriage ceremonies, when idealistic notions of happily-ever-after momentarily overshadow the harsh realities of two becoming one.

The passage talks about love being patient and kind, not envious, boastful, prideful, rude, self-seeking, easily angered or keeping a record of wrongs. ”Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth,” it says. “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Elsewhere the Bible instructs, “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). What? Give yourself up? How restrictive; how intolerant! “Isn’t love supposed to be all about me – my wants, my needs, my happiness?”

Apparently not, according to the Scriptures. Otherwise it wouldn’t declare, “For God so loved that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

That, it seems to me, is what love is – really.