What Makes a Marriage Work Long-Term?

When I was a lot younger, I would see news articles about couples celebrating their 50^th anniversaries and marvel. As a newspaper editor, I even wrote about some of them myself. But I would often wonder, ‘How do folks stay married that long?’

 

Well, surprise! Last year my wife and I joined that elite and increasingly rare company, and now we’ve started our second half-century together. How can that be? We’re not that old! 

Despite spending more than five decades together, we’re not ‘experts.’ We’re imperfect people and have had our share of struggles, just as everyone does – health, financial, family. Thankfully, they’ve ultimately served to strengthen our relationship, and by trusting in God and His grace, our marriage has survived and thrived.

 

There are many reasons why “golden anniversary” couples are so uncommon. People are getting married much later in life – if they marry at all. If folks get married in their late 20s, early 30s or even after that, their likelihood of arriving at the big 5-0 diminishes considerably. Just do the math.

 

But an even greater reason for not seeing marital longevity is too often married couples bail in the face of difficulties, rather than determining to work through them together. It’s said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ but too often folks think it’s easier to quit and get a divorce than weather the challenges that can forge strong marital bonds.

 

There’s no ‘secret sauce’ to making the union between a man and a woman succeed, but I think a good formula is found in a Bible passage that’s often included in wedding ceremonies but not always taken seriously. It’s 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which says:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails….”

 

These words are easy to recite during the rite in which a man and a woman become husband and wife. But they are very difficult to live out. Because in our ‘Me, me, me,’ self-focused world, this passage exhorts us to put the needs and interests of the other person first.

 

Being patient means setting aside our agendas and timing when things don’t seem to be going our way. Kindness is directed toward the other person, often sacrificially; it’s needed even when we might not want to extend it. Envy, boasting, pride, rudeness and self-seeking – all involve putting oneself ahead of the other, which doesn’t serve to honor or uplift the marriage partner. 

 

We might be able to justify anger, but a reasonable husband or wife learns to control how it’s expressed, constructively or destructively. And just as it’s wise to avoid becoming hysterical, it’s also good to refrain from being historical. Harboring resentment and withholding forgiveness over past wrongs serves no good purpose.

 

Focusing on truth and rejecting evil in any of its myriad forms are foundational for a healthy marital relationship. And love in its truest form seeks to protect, maintains trust, has high hopes for the other person, and determines to persevere. That’s why the words “in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer” are included in many wedding vows. The covenant of marriage is the commitment to stay with one another no matter what. Love, in spite of adversity, is to be permanent, unfailing.

 

When we reflect on the passage in 1 Corinthians 13, we see these qualities best exhibited in the life, death and resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. John 3:16 familiarly reminds us, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” And as He looked toward the cross, Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). 

 

Can you imagine a greater love than what we see demonstrated by the Father and the Son? “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

 

Many places in the Scriptures describe the relationship between the Lord and His Church ias a marriage, with the universal body of believers being His bride. Jesus’ first miracle took place at a wedding (John 2:1-11), and the culmination of His work also involves a wedding: “Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride [the Church] has made herself ready…. ‘Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!’” (Revelation 19:7,9).

What’s our takeaway? Marriage is hard work. It’s sacrificial. But the rewards for persevering and learning to love unconditionally are priceless – and eternal. 

Golden Anniversaries Don’t Come Along Every Day

Fifty years. Half a century. That’s a long time – for anything. Working at the same job. Living in one place. Operating a business. And especially these days, staying married. 

Most weddings start with excitement and optimism: Promising to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, in times of prosperity and times of want, as long as life lasts. But soon the business of marriage sets in, novelty in the relationship wears off, and solemn vows are forgotten. Half of all marriages end in divorce, statistics tell us. The sappy “happily ever after” promises of fairy tales and Hallmark movies vanish like vapors.

 

So, forgive my self-indulgence by announcing that in a couple of days my wife and I will celebrate a milestone event: our golden wedding anniversary. Wow! 

Fifty years ago, in 1974, Richard M. Nixon, then Gerald Ford, were President. Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s home run record. Stephen King published his debut horror novel, “Carrie.” The Sears Tower in Chicago became the world’s tallest building. There was the largest tornado outbreak in history. The Alaskan oil pipeline was started. Elton John recorded “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.” Mel Brooks’ “Blazing Saddles” was a box office smash. “Happy Days” and “the Fonz” became all-time TV favorites.

 

At our wedding, the idea of being married for 50 years never crossed our minds. Like all newlyweds, our focus was on the present, maybe a month or two down the road. Not the distant future.

 

Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” That’s me, although it took a while for me to realize this. In every good marriage, husbands typically say they’ve got the best wife ever. God indeed has blessed me with the best wife – at least the best one for me. Who else could have put up with me for five decades?

 

I can honestly say the love we felt back in 1974 pales in comparison to the love that’s grown in our hearts over the years since. We’ve enjoyed health, but also have dealt with sickness and disease. We’ve faced financial challenges, family crises, highs and lows of many kinds. But by the grace of God – and I don’t say that lightly – He’s enabled us to endure and thrive.

 

Ours isn’t a perfect marriage. Not even close. But it’s grown stronger over time. We don’t have a ‘secret’ to marital longevity, but if I were to point to one singular asset, I’d have to say it’s been our faith and trust in the Lord and the truths and principles of His Word.

 

Sally and I met in a church. After some difficulties early on, we reconciled in the same church. And through the transforming power of Jesus Christ, we’ve learned how to truly love and cherish one another. But in this world where “love” can mean so many different things, I think what we understand love to be can best be defined by a passage commonly (and perhaps casually) included in wedding ceremonies – 1 Corinthians 13:4-6.

 

If we seriously ponder this passage, we learn it’s counter-cultural in our predominantly self-centered society. It declares, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

 

Applying this teaching to my own life, I must admit these virtues don’t come easily to me, especially things like patience, kindness, and not being easily angered. Entering adulthood, they weren’t “default settings.” I’ve grown in each area, but it hasn’t been of my doing. 

 

Two Bible verses explain my ‘progress.’ In 2 Corinthians 5:17 we’re told, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” The other is Galatians 2:20, which says of all genuine followers of Jesus, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

 

If someone were to ask how to enjoy an enduring marriage that honors God, I’d have to say, “You can’t.” Our flesh – what the Bible calls our “sinful nature” – is too weak. But as the apostle Paul wrote, “I can do all things through Christ who strengths me” (Philippians 4:13). He can empower us to do what we can’t in our own strength and effort. Our trust, hope, persevering during tough times – only possible through Him.

 

My wife is my hero. She’s endured the proverbial thick and thin, putting up with a very flawed man who loves her more every day. Sally’s a devoted wife, wonderful mother and grandma, and gives so much of herself without expecting anything in return. In many ways she reminds me of the woman described in the book of Proverbs, who “watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her…” (Proverbs 31:27-28).

 

Ultimately, I must give all the credit and glory to God. Some have wisely said the best marriages consist of three persons, not two: husband, wife, and Jesus Christ. If you envision this as a triangle, with Christ at the top, as husband and wife grow closer to Him, they grow closer to each other. Imperfect as our marriage is, I believe this is an accurate picture of us.