Managing the Marriage Marathon

Every year people stand before an altar and say “I do” to each other. Then some morning one of them wakes up and says in wonderment, “I did?” Or, after trying this institution called “marriage” for a time, decides, “I don’t!” Roughly 50 percent of marriages end up on the scrap heap. A sad fact.

 

In one respect, it’s understandable. It’s trite to say, but true – opposites attract. Two people from totally different backgrounds, along with diverse interests, skills and values, and often unlike personalities, are drawn together and attempt to build a permanent, happy relationship. Not to mention neither is perfect or anywhere close; how can you create a “perfect union” out of imperfection? Too often, once the honeymoon ends, rather than attract, opposites choose to attack.

 

Maybe part of the problem is what I’d call the “rom-com syndrome.” Romantic comedies make love seem so simple, such a splendid thing. There’s the “meet cute” when man and woman have a serendipitous encounter. There’s almost always instant chemistry. Then, a week or so later, they decide even though they’re as different as water and fire, they’ve found true love.

 

We never get to see the sequel, where the neat freak loses patience with the slob, or the homebody faces constant friction with the partner who likes to flit from place to place. Introverts tend to marry extroverts, and spenders are inclined to link up with savers, so conflict is inevitable. 

 

But there’s good news! Marriages can – and do – last, some for many years. We just attended a celebration for a couple married for 50 years. My wife and I just celebrated a milestone of our own, being married for 52 years. More than half a century!

 

I’m not being self-congratulatory. Because the credit doesn’t go to us. It totally goes to our Lord who has kept us together despite the many hurdles we’ve had to overcome through those years: Old baggage. Financial problems. Health challenges. Difficult family issues. Dealing with major course corrections God provided during our adventure of life together.

 

It’s been said the best model for marriage should be a triangle, with husband and wife at opposite ends of the base and Jesus Christ at the top. The closer the couple grows toward Christ, the closer they grow toward each other. That’s been our experience. 

 

Early in our marriage, even though we met at a church, Jesus wasn’t a significant part of our lives. We kept Him at an arm’s length, disinclined to let Him interfere with life the way we wanted to pursue it. The problem was we had no idea about how to forge a strong marriage and build a healthy family. By God’s grace, He put us in churches and surrounded us with friends that taught and modeled for us what a Christ-honoring home looked like.

 

There’s no “secret” to marital longevity. They say that life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. The same holds true for marriage. But it shouldn’t be simply a matter of endurance, of trying to “grin and bear it.” It should be a demonstration of teamwork and partnership, grounded in mutual love and respect – two different people complementing one another, carrying out differing roles but sharing the same goals.

 

Over the years the Lord has taught me many lessons about what it takes to make a marriage work. Even now I’m hardly an expert, but here are just a handful of the things I’ve learned:

 

I’d have to start with principles from 1 Corinthians 13, often recited during wedding ceremonies but too quickly forgotten even before the reception. That doesn’t mean they’re not valid or worth applying. The passage tells us that love, the kind God designed: 

“…is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

 

Every failing marriage, I’m certain, lacks some of those traits. When ‘self’ is on the throne, insisting on always having its own way, it’s hard to cultivate marital unity.

 

Teamwork is important on an athletic field, in workplace settings, and especially in marriage. As Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 affirms, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

 

I especially like the “cord of three strands.” If Jesus is one of the ‘strands,’ being a central part of the marriage, chances for success rise exponentially.

 

For me, it’s been critically important learning to tame my tongue. Proverbs 10:19 says it well: “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Much of my adult life, especially when angry, I had a distressing tendency to put my tongue into gear while my mind was still in park. Putting it another way, to give someone a piece of my mind I couldn’t afford to lose.

 

The destructive power of uncontrolled anger is so common that Proverbs offers numerous warnings. For instance: “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly” (Proverbs 14:29).

 

Proverbs 17:28 states, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent.” Perhaps that’s been the inspiration for a quote attributed to various people, including Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain: “It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

 

Why’s it not a good idea to just say whatever’s on our mind? Proverbs 26:21 suggests the answer: “As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.” As I learned and still strive to practice, rather than spouting words in the heat of the moment, wait a little while. Many times, once emotion has calmed down, you won’t even remember what you were mad about!

Bottom line: If we follow God’s guidelines and submit to His authority, He is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20). As they say, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it! 

Applying the Remedy for Discouragement

Do you ever feel discouraged? Maybe the special meal you planned didn’t turn out as expected. Or the diet you’ve tried hasn’t produced the results you wanted. Or just when you thought you were getting your finances in order, an emergency threw your budget out of whack. 

Perhaps the source of your discouragement is more profound: After years of striving to be the perfect parent, following advice from all the ‘experts,’ a headstrong teenager has you worrying well into the night. Where did you go wrong? Or after watching too much news on TV, the current state of the world has your head spinning, knowing there’s absolutely nothing you can do to fix it.

 

Reasons for being discouraged come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes no matter how hard we try we can’t seem to overcome those feelings. By definition, discouragement means to lack encouragement. This is where we can step up to help one another. 

 

The anonymous writer of the New Testament book of Hebrews understood this, because he wrote one of the Bible’s most powerful passages about applying the remedy for discouragement: “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another…” (Hebrews 10:23-25). 

 

There’s a lot packed into those three verses. We find it’s not a matter of, “Suck it up! Things will get better. Just be positive.” No, the primary reason we can feel encouraged – to have hope – is because of God and His character. He’s ever-faithful, doesn’t fall asleep on the job, and is busily at work, even when we can’t see exactly what He’s doing. He’s the source of confident hope, no ‘hope-so,’ wishful thinking.

 

Next, I like the phrase, “spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” When I was a boy, I spent many hours watching cowboy shows – Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, Hopalong Cassidy, Wild Bill Hickok, the Long Ranger. They’d ride about proudly on their “trusty steeds,” and when immediate action was required, would spur their horses into action.

 

Encouragement should work the same way. It’s not about engaging in a mutual self-pity party, commiserating about how bad things are. It’s prodding or ‘spurring’ one another into action, acting on the hope and trust we have in the God who in Jeremiah 29:11 says, “… I know the plans I have for you…plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.”

 

Circumstances might not change or improve immediately, but instead of acting like turtles and retreating into our shells we can continue moving forward, assured the Lord hasn’t forgotten about us.

 

Then there’s the part about “meeting together” to encourage one another. This life, as I’ve stated before, isn’t about mimicking the aforementioned Lone Ranger, living a life of isolation. We need one another, one day being the recipient of encouragement and another day being the one who offers it.

 

While it doesn’t use the word ‘encouragement,’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 addresses this strongly: 

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

 

Where do we find encouragement? Where can we give it? It might be a close friendship in which two people are always there for each other; whenever there’s a need the other promises, “I’ve got your back.” It might be a personal accountability group, a handful of folks who don’t exchange pleasantries but are willing to ask tough questions when needed, along with offering timely help and support. Or it could be colleagues at work, ready to assist one another when workloads become too heavy or demanding.

 

One of my favorite people in the Bible is Barnabas, who’s introduced in the 4^th chapter of the book of Acts. His given name, we’re told, was Joseph. But he earned the nickname Barnabas, literally Bar-Nabas – “son of encouragement.” 

 

His very first act in the Scriptures was to sell a field and donate the entire proceeds to the work of the apostles, who had been commissioned to carry on Jesus’ work after He ascended to heaven. What a way to let the Lord’s closest followers know he believed in them and wanted to support what they were doing.

 

But his greatest moment of encouragement was when he came alongside Saul of Tarsus, after the one-time persecutor of Christians had encountered Jesus Christ while heading to Damascus, planning to carry out more mayhem. Saul – later renamed Paul – experienced a miraculous transformation, but the apostles weren’t buying it. We’re told, “…he tried to join the disciples, but they were afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple” (Acts 9:26).

 

In stepped Barnabas, who obviously spent considerable time with Saul to hear him out. Barnabas boldly stood up for the new believer, knowing his own reputation was on the line. Probably with reluctance the apostles allowed Saul to remain with them, and he proved to be a bold witness for Christ. Can you imagine how encouraging it must have been for Saul to have Barnabas vouch for his transformed life?

 

Their story doesn’t end there, but it’s a glowing example of the powerful impact of one person offering encouragement to another. Through the power of Christ, we can do the same. God might not send another apostle Paul our way, but even a brief time spent with a person needing a kind word or a generous gesture can have more impact than we could imagine. And we’ll discover that by encouraging others, we’ll be encouraging ourselves.

Are We Overlooking the Greater Pandemic?

Can you remember back about two years, when none of us had ever heard of the coronavirus? Thoughts of COVID-19 had never crossed our minds. These days, however, the latest pandemic developments dominate newspaper and TV news coverage. We can’t escape the frightening reports. At the same time, as this global crisis continues, I wonder if there’s an even greater “pandemic” that’s getting no attention.

 

I’m referring to a problem that actually began building long before the first words about the virus were uttered – the pandemic of loneliness. One example is social media and how it has come to dominate many of our lives. They have created an artificial environment when we can have hundreds – even thousands – of “friends” and still be desperately lonely because we have no one with whom to talk and confide on a deep, personal level.

 

We’ve been bombarded by the statistics about COVID-19 deaths and the millions of other confirmed cases. But the realities about the impact of shutdowns, work stoppages and social isolation have not received nearly as much notice. People who regularly received support and fellowship from church, as well as other social activities, have understandably felt alone, even abandoned.

Suicides, drug overdoses, domestic violence and emotional breakdowns have escalated dramatically. It would be overly simplistic to blame those solely on the pandemic, but experts confirm it has been a very significant factor in the alarming increase of these and other social ills.

 

From the first moments of creation, God has underscored the importance of relationships. Referring to the eternally existing Trinity, Genesis 1:26 says, “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth….’” And soon after He formed the first human, the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).

 

Granted, some people are more sociable than others. Extroverts, by nature, need to be around people to remain energized while introverts – like me – prefer our interactions with others in smaller doses. But we all need to be around other folks to remain mentally, emotionally and even spiritually healthy.

 

Social media can be useful, but only to a limited degree. According to Facebook, I have more than 1,000 “friends,” but most of them I’ve never met in person. I could probably pass many of them on the street and not recognize them. And I wouldn’t want to have 1,000 real friends with whom I interact on a regular basis – who has time for that?

 

But we do need friends, including but not limited to family members. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 tells us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!... Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

 

Proverbs 27:17 expresses a similar sentiment: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Imagine attempting to sharpen a knife blade without something to hone it. Some of my most enjoyable times at work occurred when a small group of us gathered and engaged in creative friction.

 

The need to do whatever we can to escape the plague of loneliness is even more critical spiritually. One of my favorite passages concerning this is Hebrews 10:24-25, which admonishes, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” 

 

During His earthly ministry, Jesus probably could have been a loner, walking from town to city by Himself, but He chose to select followers. This was in part to train them for carrying on His work after His death, resurrection and ascension. However, being both fully God and fully man, I suspect even Jesus needed the companionship and daily interactions. He often recruited them by simply saying, “Come and you will see” and “Follow Me” (Matthew 1:35-51).

 

It's important to recognize our own need for personal interactions that go far deeper than comments and “likes” on social media, even during a global health crisis that has impeded many of us from spending time with one another as we have in the past. We should also be sensitive to the needs of others, especially folks in places like nursing homes and hospitals, who might feel forgotten and unwanted. 

Recently I found an apt observation by Charles Ringma in his book, Dare to Journey with Henri Nouwen. He writes, “We are called to serve the world in which we live. Such serving is not simply a matter of techniques. It is also a matter of personal encounter. It is a matter of drawing close. It is a matter of care.” Think about that.