What Makes a Marriage Work Long-Term?

When I was a lot younger, I would see news articles about couples celebrating their 50^th anniversaries and marvel. As a newspaper editor, I even wrote about some of them myself. But I would often wonder, ‘How do folks stay married that long?’

 

Well, surprise! Last year my wife and I joined that elite and increasingly rare company, and now we’ve started our second half-century together. How can that be? We’re not that old! 

Despite spending more than five decades together, we’re not ‘experts.’ We’re imperfect people and have had our share of struggles, just as everyone does – health, financial, family. Thankfully, they’ve ultimately served to strengthen our relationship, and by trusting in God and His grace, our marriage has survived and thrived.

 

There are many reasons why “golden anniversary” couples are so uncommon. People are getting married much later in life – if they marry at all. If folks get married in their late 20s, early 30s or even after that, their likelihood of arriving at the big 5-0 diminishes considerably. Just do the math.

 

But an even greater reason for not seeing marital longevity is too often married couples bail in the face of difficulties, rather than determining to work through them together. It’s said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ but too often folks think it’s easier to quit and get a divorce than weather the challenges that can forge strong marital bonds.

 

There’s no ‘secret sauce’ to making the union between a man and a woman succeed, but I think a good formula is found in a Bible passage that’s often included in wedding ceremonies but not always taken seriously. It’s 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which says:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails….”

 

These words are easy to recite during the rite in which a man and a woman become husband and wife. But they are very difficult to live out. Because in our ‘Me, me, me,’ self-focused world, this passage exhorts us to put the needs and interests of the other person first.

 

Being patient means setting aside our agendas and timing when things don’t seem to be going our way. Kindness is directed toward the other person, often sacrificially; it’s needed even when we might not want to extend it. Envy, boasting, pride, rudeness and self-seeking – all involve putting oneself ahead of the other, which doesn’t serve to honor or uplift the marriage partner. 

 

We might be able to justify anger, but a reasonable husband or wife learns to control how it’s expressed, constructively or destructively. And just as it’s wise to avoid becoming hysterical, it’s also good to refrain from being historical. Harboring resentment and withholding forgiveness over past wrongs serves no good purpose.

 

Focusing on truth and rejecting evil in any of its myriad forms are foundational for a healthy marital relationship. And love in its truest form seeks to protect, maintains trust, has high hopes for the other person, and determines to persevere. That’s why the words “in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer” are included in many wedding vows. The covenant of marriage is the commitment to stay with one another no matter what. Love, in spite of adversity, is to be permanent, unfailing.

 

When we reflect on the passage in 1 Corinthians 13, we see these qualities best exhibited in the life, death and resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. John 3:16 familiarly reminds us, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” And as He looked toward the cross, Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). 

 

Can you imagine a greater love than what we see demonstrated by the Father and the Son? “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

 

Many places in the Scriptures describe the relationship between the Lord and His Church ias a marriage, with the universal body of believers being His bride. Jesus’ first miracle took place at a wedding (John 2:1-11), and the culmination of His work also involves a wedding: “Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride [the Church] has made herself ready…. ‘Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!’” (Revelation 19:7,9).

What’s our takeaway? Marriage is hard work. It’s sacrificial. But the rewards for persevering and learning to love unconditionally are priceless – and eternal. 

Three More Words That Make the World Go Round

What do you think is the greatest word of all time – the “GWOAT”? Any ideas? According to a poll conducted by Dictionary.com, it’s a word we’ve all come to know and love: LOVE. There were other words that received votes, but apparently folks just love “love.”

 

Based on this unscientific study, it would seem reasonable to assume that the same voters would favor “I love you” as the greatest trio of words of all time. My last post dealt with three words that I believe are the most momentous of all time: “It is finished.” But these other three little words – “I love you” – expressed probably millions of times every day, are nearly as impactful. Who doesn’t like to hear them?

Being a writer, I think about words a lot. It strikes me that even in its simplicity, “I love you” carries a host of connotations. “Love makes the world go round,” the old pop tune told us, but what do we really mean when we say that?

 

Because we can love our spouse or significant other. We can love our children. We can love our dog (or cat if that’s your preference). We can love our job or career. We can love our house or the neighborhood in which we live. We can love seeing a brilliant sunrise or a spectacular sunset. We can love our favorite sports team. We can love travel. But the “love” we reference in each situation is different from all of the others.

 

Some languages, like Greek, manage to separate the meanings of a word like love, using terms like eros, agape, philia, storge and others to clarify what one loves and in what ways. In English, however, we basically have just one word – love – whose meaning is largely determined by context.

 

Even when someone says, “I love you,” we can’t always assume we know what they mean. Because it’s rarely a stand-alone phrase. We might mean, “I love you because…” – because of how someone makes us feel; what they do for us; how they look, or a variety of other reasons.

 

Someone saying “I love you” might mean “I love you if…” – if we do what they ask of us; if we behave in a certain way; if we meet their expectations, or many other things. This “love” is largely performance-based. The same holds true for the form of “I love you” that really means “I love you when….” It also is largely conditional.

 

As I’ve pored over the Scriptures through the years, I’ve found God saying to us, “I love you” in a very different way. It’s not based on “if” or “because” or “when.” He says, “I love you…period.” No conditions or expectations attached.

 

When we read, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16), Jesus’ declaration didn’t include any conditional words such as if, because, or when.

 

In fact, another verse makes it all the more clear that God’s love is unconditional. Romans 5:8 tells us, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Chronologically speaking, not one of us had committed our first sin when Jesus died on the cross – because we hadn’t been born yet. Not even a gleam in anyone’s eye at that point. We know the Lord wasn’t waiting for us to clean up our act first.

 

Another time Jesus told His followers, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). This wasn’t some random philosophical statement. At this point in His ministry, Jesus had His sights unwaveringly set on Jerusalem and the sacrifice of His own life for our sins. Again, He added no stipulations or conditions.

 

We must never forget this. When we say, “I love you,” we may mean this in a variety of ways for a number of different reasons. But God’s “I love you” carries with it no caveats, no ifs or maybes.

The apostle John wrote, “How great the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are…” (1 John 3:1). It’s a love available to us all, to any of us, simply by accepting it – without conditions. How great is that? 

Remembering Those Who Served – Including the Living

These flags proudly remember the
sacrifices of those who served in battle,
and the many who gave their lives.

Today marks the observance of another Memorial Day, one of the most fitting holidays in the calendar year. War is a horror that has plagued humankind since the start of history, but that shouldn’t detract from our honoring and remembering those who gave their lives so that we could enjoy the freedoms we so readily take for granted.

I believe it should also be a day in which we think of those who may not have lost their lives in combat, but suffered serious injuries, both physical and emotional.

Two friends, both veterans of the Vietnam conflict, have wrestled for many years with a common wartime consequence, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is a malady that most of us who have never served during wartime cannot fully understand or imagine. Yet its toll on countless thousands has been very real, even debilitating.

Today, my friends are devoting much of their time and energy to assisting others who, like themselves, survived combat physically, but have suffered a grave toll emotionally and mentally. The suicide rate among veterans who have suffered PTSD in combat is alarming; others find themselves homeless, unable to function properly upon returning to civilian life.

My father served in World War II; I remember many nights during my childhood when he would awaken, screaming. He never talked of his wartime experiences, but I know the nightmares were a byproduct of what this twice-wounded, two Purple Heart and one Bronze Star recipient had seen, heard and felt on the battlefields of Europe and Northern Africa. We knew little, if anything, about PTSD back then.

I remember how shamefully Vietnam vets were treated in the late 1960s and early 1970s when they returned home. They had gone to serve their country, doing what they thought was right, even though many at home questioned America’s wisdom in its involvement. Their noble, yet largely unappreciated, service reminded me of something Jesus said to His followers: “Greater love has no man than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends” (John 15:13).

Thousands of U.S. soldiers did just that, lying lifeless on East Asian fields of conflict. Others lay down their normal lives, returning to American soil physically, but shattered just the same, not the people mentally or emotionally they once had been. Even if they didn’t think it in so many words, their sacrificial service was truly an act of love.

But as we commemorate the sacrifices of so many, in far too many wars, I can’t help but think of an even greater sacrifice, that of the Lord Jesus Christ. Going to the cross to die for the sins of mankind, paying an incomprehensible price on our behalf, Jesus epitomized that “greater love.” As Romans 5:8 declares, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

This Memorial Day, please take a few moments to remember those who gave so much for us. And especially think of Jesus, the One who gave more than we could ever imagine – so that we could receive far more than we could ever deserve.