Finding Intimacy in a World of Superficiality

Suppose someone asked you to describe our society with one single word. How would you respond? That would probably be a hard assignment, with many possibilities, but I would submit the word, “superficial.”

 

Everywhere we look we can find evidence of widespread superficiality. Social media serve as a prime example. We might have hundreds of “friends” or “followers,” but how many of them do we know personally? If we were to bump into them on the sidewalk or in a shopping mall, would we recognize them? Would they recognize us and know our name?

 

But social media aren’t the only culprit. Work relationships also tend to be superficial, functional only as long as we’re on the job together. When we go home, most of those relationships are forgotten at least until the next workday. If we leave for another position, or if someone else is terminated or finds other employment, the relationship typically ends.

Even when we attend church, how often do we venture beyond the usual, “Hi!” “How are you?” “I’m fine” exchanges? That’s one reason churches – especially large ones – have embraced the use of small groups (or whatever they choose to call them). By meeting together regularly, group members hopefully can probe below the surface. Even then, however, success is hit-and-miss.

 

As followers of Jesus Christ, we’re called to venture far beyond the superficial. We’re called to pursue intimacy, first with God and then our brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

Our society often sees intimacy through a sexual lens, but even physical closeness can remain confined to the superficial – as we often see portrayed on TV and in films. People perceiving one another based on outward appearances or only in terms of how they can benefit one another.

 

Someone has defined the biblical view of intimacy – a cure for superficiality – as “Into Me See.” This is exactly how the Lord approaches relationships with us. We see it expressed in 1 Samuel 16:7 when God tells the prophet Samuel, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

 

How unlike us, right? We’re all about the outward appearance: Is she pretty? Is he handsome? We evaluate people by how they dress, how they speak, whether they project confidence, what kind of outward success they have achieved. In other words, the superficial.

 

Throughout the Scriptures, we find the Lord isn’t like that at all. The book of Proverbs offers some examples. It says, “All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord” (Proverbs 16:2). Similarly, Proverbs 21:2 declares, “All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.” His concern is our “inmost being,” described in Psalm 51:6, Psalm 139:13 and other passages.

 

Perhaps the most moving example of all is recounted in John 21:15-23, the exchange Jesus had with Simon Peter along the shore of the Sea of Tiberius, following the Lord’s resurrection. Peter had denied Jesus three times during His trial conducted by the religious leaders. Clearly he still carried the burden of betrayal.

 

After Peter, Thomas, Nathanael and two other disciples had consumed a breakfast Jesus had prepared for them, the Lord took Peter aside and asked him, “Simon son of John, do you truly love Me more than these?” Peter replied, “Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.” Twice more Jesus asked, “Simon son of John, do you truly love Me?”

 

Each time after Peter responded, Jesus said, “Feed My lambs” or “Take care of My sheep.” In effect this was to reinstate the disciple and assure him that his fearful denials were forgiven. Having spent three years, 24/7 with Peter and the other disciples, Jesus emphasized He wanted not superficial allegiance, but total, from the heart devotion in delegating to them the greatest mission of all time.

 

What about us? We understand the Lord wants us to follow Him wholeheartedly, establishing an intimacy with Him that surpasses any other relationship. That’s a challenge for us in itself. But experiencing intimacy with many people, even fellow believers, isn’t just impractical. It seems impossible. That’s why the Scriptures tell us to be careful in choosing our closest friends.

 

We sometimes hear folks describe relationships in terms like, “I’d go to war with him” or “He’s someone I’d want to be with me if I were walking in a dark alley.” These imply a sense of trust. But biblical intimacy calls for even more. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” 

 

The contrast between superficiality and intimacy is evident in Proverbs 18:24 which observes, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” 

 

We’re all in a spiritual war for our hearts and souls. “Friends” on social media may entertain us, make us laugh, or even offer inspirational thoughts. But we need a few true intimates we can rely on to stay with us through the proverbial thick-and-thin. Do you have anyone like that?

Compassion – or ‘Catch and Release’?

I’m not a fisherman. Three times in my life I’ve taken fishing rod in hand, and caught nary a thing. If survival were based on my fishing skills, my family and I would have perished . I went deep-sea fishing once in Florida. Apparently, I fed a lot of fish because my bait kept disappearing, but didn’t catch any.

As a result, I’ve never engaged in “catch and release.” In case you’ve not heard of it – which means you’re also not a fisher-person – it’s when a fish is caught, reeled in, admired (maybe with a souvenir photo), and then tossed back into the water, whether it’s a pond, river, sea or ocean. A humane practice, I’m told: the fisherman experiences the thrill of the catch, and the fish lives to swim another day.

Film presents powerful lessons
about "catch and release."

Catch-and-release may be humane – unless those being released are humans. This came to my mind while viewing the excellent film, “Same Kind of Different as Me.” It presents several compelling story lines – including healing a broken marriage, rebuilding a strained father-son relationship, and an affluent couple’s decision to serve homeless people at an inner-city shelter.

Based on a true story, the couple in the film (Ron and Debbie Hall) meet a homeless black man, nicknamed “Suicide.” True to his moniker, with ball bat in hand he appears a dangerous individual, but the husband and wife attempt to befriend him nonetheless.

One evening Ron invites the man, whose real name is Denver Moore, to dinner. Over the meal, Denver weighs whether he wants to be Ron’s friend. He observes, “You white folk do something you call ‘catch and release,’” acknowledging the practice seems curious to him. Growing up as an orphan and raised by poor relatives working as sharecroppers, Denver recalls times he went fishing with his brother. When they would catch a fish, the last thing they wanted to do was let it go.

Then he asks Ron if that’s what he intends to do if they become friends. Would Denver become a hobby of sorts for a time, then released when something else comes along to catch Ron’s attention?

This is a profound question, particularly when serving others in the name of Jesus Christ. It’s easy to make a brief foray into ministry, whether it’s working with children, doing a project for an elderly person, discipling a younger believer, mentoring someone, or even a short-term mission trip. We feel good about our deeds, but then we “catch and release,” moving onto something that seems more interesting.

A friend calls this “mercy tourism.” We spend a little time with people, maybe talking with them about Jesus or performing some benevolent acts, and then we leave, never to return. It’s not to say this is wrong, but most of the time long-term effects of our service are minimal. People are still poor, still homeless, still living in desperate circumstances after we retreat to our comfortable lives.

Real, transformational spiritual impact in the lives of others requires more than a cameo appearance. Perhaps that’s why the book of Proverbs offers several admonitions about true friendship. For instance, it states, “A friend loves for all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). No bailing when the going turns tough.

Another verse, Proverbs 27:10, states, “Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family… better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away.” Proverbs 18:24 adds, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Throughout the Scriptures we see examples of enduring, devoted friendships – David and Jonathan; Barnabas and Saul/Paul; Paul and Timothy; and of course, Jesus and His closest disciples. Even with fishermen like Peter, Andrew, James and John, the Lord never demonstrated a “catch and release” mindset.

We might argue, “But I only have so much time and energy!” That’s true for all of us. Which puts a premium on where we make our commitments, and with whom. As my favorite devotional writer, Oswald Chambers, points out, a need does not constitute a call. But when God calls us – to an endeavor, or person – He expects us to hang in there. Real compassion means not catching and releasing.