The Power of Appropriate, Judicious Words

We live in a world where the prevailing attitude seems to be, “Give someone a piece of your mind – even if you can’t afford to lose it!” It’s hard to pinpoint when the trend toward incivility and mean-spiritedness really started gaining momentum. We could point to individuals we think have been the worst examples. TV talk shows and news commentators are famous for the use of poisoned tongues. And we can blame the influence of social media – the propensity for saying nasty things online that we wouldn’t dare express to someone face-to-face.

 

But the simple fact is, whoever thought up the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names [words] will never hurt me,” was either lying or out of touch with reality. Words do have a profound effect on us, for good or for ill. It’s ironic because, as the apostle James points out: “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. My brothers, this should not be” (James 3:9-10).

 

Obviously, this abuse of spoken and written words isn’t anything new. We just have more ways for doing it these days. It’s such an important matter – a universal human weakness – that the Scriptures devote much attention to it.

 

Years ago, I spent hours poring over the Old Testament book of Proverbs, categorizing its sayings by topic and compiling them into a notebook. Passages about speech and communication covered two typewritten pages, and I might have missed a few.

 

My personal favorite – since it underscores a problem I’ve wrestled with – is Proverbs 10:19, which says, “When there are many words, transgression is not avoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Another translation puts it this way: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” I haven’t mastered this, but hope I’ve gotten better with time and practice.

 

But that’s just the tip of the verbal iceberg. Potentials for evil speech are addressed early in the book: “Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips” (Proverbs 4:24). Can you think of anyone – or any group – you’d like to heed this instruction?

 

What we say and how we say it might serve as a good barometer for determining if we’re as good as we’d like to think we are. Proverbs 10:32 declares, “The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.” Similarly, “A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue” Proverbs 11:12).

 

To paraphrase an old Sonny and Cher song, “And the list goes on.” One might suggest the solution is to have a pandemic of laryngitis, or illiteracy. That way people couldn’t say or write anything damaging to other people. But Proverbs and other passages from the Bible affirm the power of appropriate, judiciously chosen and used words.

 

Consider: “From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things, as surely as the work of his hands rewards him” (Proverbs 12:14). Here’s a warning given from a positive slant: “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23).

 

A person who excels at the use of careful words will likely reap benefits: “He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend” (Proverbs 22:11). And I like the visual image from Proverbs 25:11-12, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear.”

 

Other references to the power – and perils – of spoken and written words aren’t confined to Proverbs. In a passage my Bible labels “Taming the Tongue,” James 3:4-8 offers a striking comparison. “Although [ships] are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body but it makes great boasts…. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body…no man can tame the tongue.”

 

If that’s the case, what are we to do? Just blurt out whatever comes to our minds and not worry about the consequences? That’s not what it’s saying. Instead, maybe we should replace the “sticks and stones” adage with one that reminds us, “If you can’t say something good, don’t say anything at all."

 

Ephesians 4:29 speaks eloquently to this: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Just as we can use our hands to greet someone cordially or strike them in the jaw, we can exercise our self-control to edify people with our words, rather than inflicting verbal wounds. 

 

But what if someone says something hurtful to us? Don’t we have a right to react accordingly? We might have that “right,” but Jesus offered us a better option: “But I tell you, do not resist and evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also” (Matthew 5:39). 

Society might advise us to engage in a kind of verbal tit-for-tat, but to draw another piece of wisdom from Proverbs, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). If we must respond, a gentle answer is often more productive than a harsh word. 

No One Really Wins in Waging the War of Words

Contrary to what some would have us to believe, former President Donald Trump didn’t invent the practice of being snarky, demeaning and disparaging toward people he didn’t like. He’s just decided to take it to unprecedented levels – for a President. We’ve had mean-spirited words, in the seemingly limitless ways they can be delivered, virtually from the dawn of time.

 

There’s the classic exchange years ago between British political rivals Lady Nancy Astor and Sir Winston Churchill. Lady Astor said, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.” To which Churchill replied, “Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.” Sounds like they weren’t especially fond of each other.

When TV news became a round-the-clock enterprise, participants struggled to find content to fill 24 hours and hold viewers’ attention. So they began to resort to harangues that often turned very personal. Today, when we tune in to the news, it’s not unusual to be accosted by shouting fests, as well as other forms of excessive, even bizarre oral behavior.

 

But acid, abusive tongues far predate the British Parliament, cable news, and Mr. Trump. The book of Proverbs, thousands of years old, contains more than 50 warnings about words carelessly and caustically delivered.

 

One of the most practical is Proverbs 10:19, a verse I’ve often used to curb the temptation to give someone a piece of my mind I couldn’t afford to lose. It wisely observes, “When there are many words, transgression is not avoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Another way of expressing this is, the more you speak, the more likely you are to say something you’ll regret. 

 

As if to underscore the point, two other proverbs express similar cautions: “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3), and “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (Proverbs 17:28).

 

We want to offer the excuse, “But if people say mean things to us, aren’t we justified in responding?” Or, “If someone says something stupid, don’t you think it’s appropriate to enlighten them?”

 

From what the Bible calls a “fleshly” perspective, perhaps. But we not only have counsel from Proverbs, but also many places in the New Testament asserting that is not the way to win friends and influence people for Jesus Christ. 

 

Studying Jesus’ life as revealed through the four gospels, we find He typically responded to people with kindness and sensitivity, even those who were confrontational. The only people the Lord spoke to harshly were the religious leaders, supposed servants of God caught up in their own hubris and arrogance.

 

The standard Jesus established is reflected in statements like, “whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other toward him also” (Matthew 5:29), and “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).

 

In a society continuing to drift from its Judeo-Christian moorings, we’re called to serve as “witnesses” for Christ (Acts 1:8), and we do this by being different – through our lives, as well as our words and how we express them. Do we get caught up in the cultural model, firing back when others direct angry and hurtful words to us? Or, as Jesus suggested, do we take the high road?

 

Here’s a sampling of powerful admonitions from the Scriptures:

 

Ephesians 4:29 gives this guidance: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Is our motive to have a positive impact on people we’re speaking to, reflecting the love and grace of God? Or do we just dig into our arsenal, using words as weapons?

 

Writing to his protégé, Timothy, the apostle Paul instructed, “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct…” (2 Timothy 2:23-24). 

 

It’s hard to persuade people whose minds are already set, but a civil, respectful tone can greatly enhance communication, as Proverbs 15:1 affirms: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

 

What about trying to share our faith in Christ to someone that’s resistant? We find sound advice in 1 Peter 3:15, “…always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.”

 

Sometimes our speech provides the greatest evidence of the presence of Jesus in our lives. Are we consistently gracious in how we interact with others? James 3:9-10 makes this ironic point: “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.”

 

No one really wins in a war of words. As someone has said, “One convinced against their will remains of the same opinion still.” Instead, God wants us to follow the wisdom of Colossians 4:5-6, “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” 

I know I’ve failed on this point many times, to my shame. When we interact with non-believers about Christ, do they leave with a good taste in their mouth – “seasoned with salt” – or is it more like vinegar, or worse? We’re to be winsome, not warlike. 

What’s in Your Bucket?

Have you ever walked along, carrying a bucket (or even a cup) containing liquid – maybe water – and stumbled, or it got bumped, spilling some of the contents on the ground, or even onto your pant leg or shoe? A bit annoying, maybe, but not a big problem, right?

The credit card commercial asks,
"What's in your wallet?" Better yet,
what's in your bucket?

Imagine, however, if the bucket had contained hydrochloric acid, or lye, or perhaps smelly, spoiled milk. That would have presented much more of an issue for you, wouldn’t it?

Most of us don’t spend a lot of time carrying around buckets or pails, but we each tote around an inner “bucket” we wherever we go. This bucket is filled with attitudes, emotions and feelings that swirl just below the surface of our consciousness. Most people observing us never know what’s there – we might not either – until we get “bumped” and the contents of our inner bucket comes cascading out.

When my friend’s neighborhood homeowners’ association decided to make some changes to enhance safety, one of the residents didn’t respond in a very neighborly manner. Upon hearing about what was being done, this woman called my friend, who heads the association, repeatedly, berating him for implementing changes she didn’t like.

My friend tried to remain patient and cordial, but it was obvious this “neighbor” had no interest in being conciliatory. The neighborhood changes had bumped her “bucket,” spewing its caustic contents out over the phone.

Who knows what set this lady off? Maybe it was something other than the safety changes; they might merely have been the camel-breaking straw that released a bucket full of pent-up anger. Observing what’s happening in our society today, it seems many inner buckets are being bumped with all manner of vitriol spilling out.

Over time I’ve learned to be more even-keeled, but if there’s anything undesirable in my “bucket,” it’s likely to come sloshing out while sitting behind the wheel of my car in traffic, surrounded by folks who seem to have learned to drive just yesterday. Even then, that’s no excuse for losing control emotionally. So how can we avoid being like “Angry Agatha” who verbally abused my friend?

The secret, as the Scriptures teach us, is to make certain we’re filled not with negativity, but with the fruit of God’s Spirit. As Galatians 5:22-23 tells us, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” If this “fruit” – evidence of God living in us spiritually – fills us, even when adverse circumstances arise, these are what spills out.

Rather than exploding in anger when a child makes a mess, we’ll be more disposed to respond with kindness and understanding. We’ll treat people that annoy us with gentleness and love, not hatred, ire and disrespect.

We’re also instructed to “be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18-19). Another passage expresses it this way: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

Ultimately this is only possible through a daily, deepening relationship with the Lord that results in “out with the old, in with the new.” Ephesians 3:17-19 speaks of the desire, “that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpassed knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

Just as fighting fire with fire is futile, attempting to battle the angry world around us with anger is also pointless. Instead, we can have the greatest impact when we reflect the character and qualities of the God we know and serve. “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them” (1 John 4:16).

Let’s make certain that the next time our buckets get bumped, as they certainly will, what pours out is the love and grace of God, rather than something else.

The True, the Good, and the Useful

A story is told about the time someone approached Greek philosopher, Socrates, to tell him something about his friend. Before letting the person proceed, Socrates decided to ask three questions.

The first was, “Is it true? Are you absolutely sure it’s true?” The individual wanting to share the information wasn’t certain it was true, but presumed it was. Socrates’s second question was, “Is what you’re going to tell me good?” He elaborated, “If not, are you wanting to tell me something that isn’t good, and you’re not certain it’s true?”

Socrates proceeded with the third question. “Even if you don’t know whether what you’re about to say is true, and it’s not good, can you tell me this: Is it useful? Because if what you’re intending to say isn’t good, might not be true, and is not useful, then why say it at all?”

Jay Shetty, described as a motivational and lifestyle blogger, and a former monk, told this story in one of his video posts. He closed with this observation: “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.”

It would be good to start learning 
early in life to speak only what is 
true, good and helpful.

Does this describe anyone you know? We hear an incredible lot of talk about people – famous, not so famous, and infamous – but how often do the speakers (including ourselves) pause first to ask if what we’re about to say is true, good, or useful?

Apparently, this is hardly a new phenomenon. It dates to the beginning of time, probably. In fact, we have proof. After Adam and Eve defied God by eating from the one tree He had declared off limits for them, Adam not only invented the fine art of passing the buck, but also failed miserably in the true, good, and useful test.

When the Lord (fully knowing the answer) asked, “Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you to eat from?” redhanded Adam immediately replied, “The woman you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it” (Genesis 3:11-12). Way to go, Adam! If you’re going to sin, might as well do it big time, right? He even indirectly blamed God for his wrongdoing.

It’s clear that harmful speech has been a perpetual problem afflicting humankind. The book of Proverbs is filled with admonitions against misusing the tongue and its power. For instance, “Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips” (Proverbs 4:24). It also offers this contrast: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

In all, I counted more than 50 verses in Proverbs that address speech in its uses, misuses and abuses. But in case we overlooked that book, God included exhortations in other parts of the Bible. The apostle James wrote about the dilemma of trying to tame the tongue, noting it “is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body” (James 3:6). Later he concluded, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be” (James 3:9-10).

Getting back to Socrates’s true, good, and useful criteria for talking about others, the same standard is presented in Ephesians 4:29, which says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

I don’t know about you, but the next time I start to say something about someone else – a family member, friend, acquaintance, celebrity or politician – I’m going to do my best to first ask, “Is it true? Is it good? Is it useful?”