It Takes Two to Argue

Have you noticed how difficult it is to do many things in isolation? What, for instance, is the sound of one hand clapping? Did you ever try to play tennis or ping-pong alone? In football, a passer needs a receiver, and in baseball, a pitcher can’t do without a catcher. If you’re into card games, you can play solitaire on your own, but poker or rummy don’t work without at least one more person. Bridge, euchre, checkers or chess? Forget about it!

Something else that won’t succeed in solitude is an argument. Our present age promotes an excessive amount of arguing, bickering, protesting, hueing and crying. But just as two are necessary to tango (or waltz, cha-cha or salsa), disputes arise and intensify only when at least two have decided to engage in opposing oral conflict. 

The next time someone tries to pick a verbal sparring match with you, try walking away. See how long the argument continues. The other party might attempt to resume it when you meet again, but it’s hard to sustain an antagonistic exchange when chirping crickets are the only sound when the arguer pauses to take a breath.

In the Scriptures, we discover argumentation isn’t something we invented in the 20^th and 21^st centuries, regardless of what social media and spontaneous protests might indicate. The problem is addressed in both the Old and New testaments. For instance, Proverbs 26:20-21 tells us, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.”

Most of us have observed what happens to a campfire, or a blazing fireplace, once the wood has turned to ashes. It’s like that with an argument, especially the kind saturated with fierce anger and animosity. If you don’t fuel the fire, it can’t keep burning.

Why is this important, especially for followers of Jesus? Because many of us submit to the temptation to argue our beliefs, and exhibitions of unrestrained tongues leave us vulnerable to charges of hypocrisy. In James 3:9-12 we read about the irony that uncontrolled lips present:  

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.”

In preaching to the choir, I know I’m a member of the “choir” and risk fingers being directed back to me. I’m better than I used to be, but sometimes my old bull-headedness still rears up. This reminds me of another admonition in the same chapter of James:

“When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships for example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder…. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person...” (James 3:3-6).

There’s much to be gained from civil conversations, discussions and even debates. An angry argument, on the other hand, rarely changes opinions. Proverbs 15:1 asserts, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  I’m making a note to remember that!

The True, the Good, and the Useful

A story is told about the time someone approached Greek philosopher, Socrates, to tell him something about his friend. Before letting the person proceed, Socrates decided to ask three questions.

The first was, “Is it true? Are you absolutely sure it’s true?” The individual wanting to share the information wasn’t certain it was true, but presumed it was. Socrates’s second question was, “Is what you’re going to tell me good?” He elaborated, “If not, are you wanting to tell me something that isn’t good, and you’re not certain it’s true?”

Socrates proceeded with the third question. “Even if you don’t know whether what you’re about to say is true, and it’s not good, can you tell me this: Is it useful? Because if what you’re intending to say isn’t good, might not be true, and is not useful, then why say it at all?”

Jay Shetty, described as a motivational and lifestyle blogger, and a former monk, told this story in one of his video posts. He closed with this observation: “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.”

It would be good to start learning 
early in life to speak only what is 
true, good and helpful.

Does this describe anyone you know? We hear an incredible lot of talk about people – famous, not so famous, and infamous – but how often do the speakers (including ourselves) pause first to ask if what we’re about to say is true, good, or useful?

Apparently, this is hardly a new phenomenon. It dates to the beginning of time, probably. In fact, we have proof. After Adam and Eve defied God by eating from the one tree He had declared off limits for them, Adam not only invented the fine art of passing the buck, but also failed miserably in the true, good, and useful test.

When the Lord (fully knowing the answer) asked, “Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you to eat from?” redhanded Adam immediately replied, “The woman you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it” (Genesis 3:11-12). Way to go, Adam! If you’re going to sin, might as well do it big time, right? He even indirectly blamed God for his wrongdoing.

It’s clear that harmful speech has been a perpetual problem afflicting humankind. The book of Proverbs is filled with admonitions against misusing the tongue and its power. For instance, “Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips” (Proverbs 4:24). It also offers this contrast: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

In all, I counted more than 50 verses in Proverbs that address speech in its uses, misuses and abuses. But in case we overlooked that book, God included exhortations in other parts of the Bible. The apostle James wrote about the dilemma of trying to tame the tongue, noting it “is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body” (James 3:6). Later he concluded, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be” (James 3:9-10).

Getting back to Socrates’s true, good, and useful criteria for talking about others, the same standard is presented in Ephesians 4:29, which says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

I don’t know about you, but the next time I start to say something about someone else – a family member, friend, acquaintance, celebrity or politician – I’m going to do my best to first ask, “Is it true? Is it good? Is it useful?”

A Case for Measured Speech

I recently came across an interesting observation about the spoken word that bears repeating:

"He who thinks by the inch, and talks by the yard, should be kicked by the foot."

This is one of those “anonymous” quotes that can’t be credited to any single individual, but Mr. or Ms. Anonymous had it right. It ranks right up there with, “When all has been said and done, more has been said than done.”

We live in a society – and a world, I suppose – where there is no lack of words. “Talk is cheap,” the adage reminds us. Maybe the price of talk should be a lot higher so we’d be forced to use words more economically and strategically.

Years ago many of us saw commercials that declared, “When E.F. Hutton speaks, people listen.” Alas, E.F. Hutton, founder of the iconic stock brokerage firm, is no longer with us. The sentiment, however, still seems sound. When we practice measured speech, waiting to give ample thought before opening our lips and permitting words to escape, what we say can become more valued.

I still remember how people admired a friend of mine years ago, a man who would sit in board meetings, attentively listening but rarely speaking. Like ole E.F. Hutton, when Bob spoke, people were quick to listen because they knew what he had to say was worth considering.

This is one reason, when I hear someone discount the Bible as outdated and irrelevant, I’m tempted to reply, “Are you stupid, or what?” Because on so many levels, the Scriptures are eminently practical – including the areas of speech and human discourse.

For instance, the Bible affirms the principle behind the unattributed quote above, in different words: "When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise" (Proverbs 10:19). This happens to be a personal favorite, because over much of my life I’ve had a bothersome habit of putting my mouth in drive while my mind was still in park. Hopefully I’ve gotten somewhat better in that regard over the years.

Everywhere, it seems, people are intent on demeaning people they don’t agree with. Whether we like them or not, these folks fall into the category the Bible would classify as “our neighbor.” So it’s convicting to read, “A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue” (Proverbs 11:12).

What about being a person that’s known for meaningful, uplifting speech? There’s good news, according to the Scriptures: “From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things, as surely as the work of his hands rewards him” (Proverbs 12:14).

We can choose to use our words as weapons, or apply them like a soothing balm. “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

In Proverbs alone, the so-called “the book of wisdom,” more than 50 verses relate directly to the spoken word, in both its most positive and most perverse forms. But the problem of indiscreet speech was not just an issue for Old Testament readers.

After drawing comparisons to a bit in a horse’s mouth, and a small rudder directing the course of a ship, the Bible declares, “Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on ire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body…. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness” (James 3:3-10).

When talking about the power and pitfalls of human speech, the Bible doesn’t equivocate. We’re admonished to be wise, judicious, thoughtful and caring in what we say – and what we don’t. These days, when it seems word pollution is as great an environmental problem as any, the “sounds of silence” could become a wonderful gift.