Forgiveness Guards Against Grudges Becoming Glooms

The troubled fellow reluctantly went to see a psychologist. He wasn’t the sharpest tack in the drawer. Trying the pinpoint the cause of the man’s anger, the therapist asked, “Do you have a grudge?” To which the man replied, “Yeah. It’s big enough for two cars, but we use half of it for storage.” 

 

Lots of people have grudges (as well as garages). We park our sedans and SUVs in garages, but grudges seem to park themselves in our thoughts and hearts. They’re easy to justify in our minds: “He did this.” “She said that.” “My boss was unfair.” “I deserved a better grade.”

 

Do your grudges hold you prisoner,
like this old jail in Tullahoma, Tenn.?

The problem is, grudges hurt us as much as the persons we hold them against. Often they hurt us more, because the “grudgees” might not know about the hurting, the hard feelings we harbor toward them, or may not even care. It’s the equivalent of being mad at someone and punching ourselves in the face to spite them.

Beyond that, nursing grudges can have toxic affects on our attitudes and outlooks on life. The late devotional writer Selwyn Hughes observed, “we must determine to forgive everyone who hurts us and refuse to nurse a grudge. Grudges become glooms…. A grudge or a resentment is sand in the machinery of living.”

 

I like that analogy. Even non-mechanical folks like me know that to keep parts of machines meshing properly they need to be oiled or greased. Putting sand in them instead will wreck a perfectly good machine in no time.

 

In our defense we want to argue, “But you don’t know what they’ve done! You don’t know how much they’ve hurt me (or my family, or my friends). How can I forgive them? I don’t want to forgive them!”

 

While those complaints are understandable, they’re not helpful. Because holding onto grudges often results in a root of bitterness in our hearts, with its roots growing deeper every day. Grudges have turned many a once-pleasant and happy person into a miserable wretch.

 

The Scriptures have much to say about this issue and the problem of festering bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 admonishes, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

 

Here we find two very important phrases – the “grace of God,” and the “bitter root.” They are oxymorons – contradictions in terms. Because God’s grace allows absolutely no room for bitterness. If anyone had a right for bitterness, to withhold forgiveness, it was God. And yet we read, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

 

No one has sinned against us nearly as much as we have sinned against the Lord. He had no obligation at all to forgive us for our many sins. Nevertheless, we have the assurance of the verse that’s so familiar we’re tempted to disregard it: “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

 

Someone might respond, “Yes, I believe that and have received Jesus into my life. But I still can’t let go of the grudge I have toward [fill in the name].” That might sound reasonable, but it also indicates a lack of appreciation for the scope and magnitude of God’s forgiveness, that no one has wronged us even a tiny fraction of the degree we’ve wronged the Lord.

 

Consider Isaiah 53:5-6 which declares, “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. We all like sheep have gone astray, each one has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid upon Him the iniquity of us all.”

 

We might be thinking, “Okay, I get it. God has forgiven me for more than anyone could possibly do to me. But I still can’t let loose of this grudge, the bitterness I feel toward that other person. I’m only human.”

 

More than we can ever comprehend, the Lord understands this. But He doesn’t ask us to forgive – to release whatever grudge we’re desperately hanging onto – in our own strength. If we have been saved by God’s redeeming grace, He has given us the capacity to extend the forgiveness that seems so impossible. 

 

We could cite many Bible passages, but here are just two to consider: “But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not by the righteous deeds we had done, but according to His mercy, through the washing of new birth and renewal by the Holy Spirit” (Titus 3:4-5). The Lord has given us spiritual rebirth, making us new and able to exhibit His divine nature.

 

The other verse, one of my favorites, is Galatians 2:20 which declares, “I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” Whenever faced with a command from the Lord and my response is, “I can’t!”, He answers, “Yes, I know. But I can – and will do it through you, if you’ll let Me.”

 

So, I ask: Are you nursing a long-standing grudge, allowing a root of bitterness to poison your inner being? Are you withholding forgiveness – essentially allowing sand to bind up the machinery of your own life? Maybe today’s the day for you to release it. To use the cliché, “let go and let God.” Maybe the object of your anger doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Don’t do it for them – do it for yourself. Free yourself from the awful prison of bitterness and gloom.

 

Escaping The Prison of Unforgiveness

The story is told about the couple that decided they needed to get a divorce. Counseling with their pastor, the husband was asked, “Why do you want a divorce? Does your wife beat you up?” “No way,” he responded. “I’m always up at least half an hour before her.” “Well,” continued the perplexed pastor, “do you have a grudge?” “Yeah,” he said, “it’s big enough for two cars, but what’s that got to do with this?” Exasperated, the clergyman finally said, “So what’s the problem?” With arms folded, the husband smugly replied, “We just can’t seem to communicate!”

Unfortunately, when it comes to conflict and divisions, many people do trace it to grudges they hold toward others. Like ships passing in the night, they harbor those grudges.

It’s truly unfortunate, especially because in many instances, the most grievous victim of grudges – the unwillingness to forgive – is the individual clutching the grudge in a death grip. Speaking recently on the topic, author and pastor Alistair Begg observed, “Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free – when it turns out that prisoner is you.”

 Putting it into another metaphor, holding onto a grudge or refusing to forgive another person is like drinking poison and expecting the person you’re mad at to die.

Although I don’t there’s been a scientific study done to prove it, I suspect much of the hostility we witness in the world around us is due at least in part to unforgiven wrongs, grudges that have been nursed for a long time. The musical, “The Sound of Music,” taught that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but just a drop or two of bitterness can kill even the healthiest of relationships. 

Hebrews 12:15 speaks to that directly, admonishing, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” And this word,“defile,” offers another vivid image for the negative and often long-lasting effects of unforgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning wrongs that have been committed, whether in deed or in word. Nor does it mean we must force ourselves to forget those wrongs. Forgiving, however, does mean refusing to let anger and animosity imprison us, or “defile” our spirits, not only toward the offending party but also to many others we encounter from day to day. 

There’s a second important reason for doing what might seem impossible by extending forgiveness to someone who doesn’t deserve it. As the apostle Paul exhorted his readers, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). Keep in mind, forgiveness is something that none of us deserves.

How did the Lord forgive each of us? He stretched out His arms, allowing His hands and feet to be impaled on a cross, and declared, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). At that moment He might have been referring specifically to those responsible for putting Him on the cross, but if we’re honest, we must acknowledge we each shared in that responsibility. 

So when we forgive, we’re in effect freeing ourselves from the prison of pain, anger and negativity. We’re recognizing that no one could wrong us as much as we have wronged the God who has provided us with His forgiveness. 

And there’s one more reason for consciously resolving to forgive others even when it seems impossible. If our goal is to become more and more Christlike, more “godly,” then forgiveness can’t be excluded from the equation. As a wise man has stated, “We’re most like beasts when we kill each other; we’re most like men when we judge each other; we’re most like God when we forgive each other.”

If we bring up the excuse, “Well, I just can’t do that,” Jesus understands. He told His followers, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). But as Paul wrote, drawing from much personal experience, “I can do everything through him (Christ) who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). 

As the Lord has shown me more times than I could ever remember, whenever I decide “I can’t!” He’s quick to respond, “Yes, I know – but I can. Through you.”

Keep Your Grudge in the Garage

Sometime ago, someone asked a country bumpkin if he had a grudge. “Sure do!” he replied with pride. “It’s big ‘nuf fer two cars, ‘cept that’s where I keep my four-wheeler and lawn tractor.”

Garage, “grudge.” Same thing, right? Unfortunately, no. I like having a garage, especially since I have an aversion to getting into an icy car that’s been sitting out in the freezing cold all night. Not my favorite way of “chillin’ out.” But having a grudge – better yet, nursing one – rarely, if ever, has any positive value.

Most of us know what it is to hold onto a grudge. Perhaps someone stung us with harsh words, or has treated us disrespectfully. When we’ve been wronged at work, we’re tempted to harbor a grudge for the offense. Maybe a neighbor has done or said something particularly annoying, maybe more than once. Why not hold a grudge against them for that? In sports, it’s common for rival teams to hold grudges against each other, attitudes that foment into hatred and hostility. 

Even in our churches, individuals or families refuse to speak to one another for some reason. Jesus said, “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35). But apparently some people don’t think that applies to circumstances that justify mutual antagonism.

That’s not to minimize the emotional and relationship impact of being wronged. Wounds inflicted by others, whether by people close to us or strangers, are often slow to heal. Resentment and anger are normal responses to being hurt. However, clinging to a grudge and refusing to release it can do much harm – even to ourselves.

On his radio program a while ago, Dr. David Jeremiah suggested there are four different things to do with a grudge: Curse it. Rehearse it. Nurse it. Or reverse it. And we’ve probably done each of these at one time or another. 

We curse a grudge every time we see the offending party and feel a renewed surge of negative emotions. We rehearse it by reminding ourselves of the harm done, what happened, when it happened and by whom, and how it felt. We nurse it by treating the grudge as some cherished possession, refusing to let it go for fear the wrong won’t somehow be avenged.

Or we can reverse it, recognizing that hanging onto a grudge typically brings more harm to ourselves than to the one we feel is deserving of our wrath. In presenting His model prayer – what we know as “the Lord’s Prayer” – Jesus instructed us to ask God to “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12).

He also said, a few verses later, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours” (Matthew 6:14-15). 

When I read those words, I want to respond, “But Lord, You don’t understand. After what they did (or said) to me, how can I offer forgiveness?” Then I remember Jesus on the cross, enduring the most cruel, excruciating form of execution, and yet being able to say of His executioners, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

In harboring ill will toward those who have offended or harmed us, our behavior mirrors theirs. As Dr. Jeremiah said, “Our enemy overcomes us when we become like our enemy.”

But where’s the vengeance, the making amends, if we willfully relinquish our “right” to harbor what seem to be well-deserved grudges? First of all, God declared, “Vengeance is mine” (Hebrews 10:30). Before we can utter our collective, “Yeah, but…”, we read about those to whom this admonition was originally addressed:

“Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions [in heaven]” (Hebrews 10:32-34).

If anyone had justifiable cause to nurse a grudge, it was those folks. But God insisted He alone had the right to judge, and avenge if necessary.

There’s one more reason for being willing to release grudges, even toward those who make no secret of their malice toward us. King Solomon made this startling observation: “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you” (Proverbs 25:21-22).

Some have said, “Don’t get mad. Get even.” But as followers of Christ, we have a third option: Get free. We don’t have to remain in bondage to destructive feelings; we can release them and entrust them to our just and faithful God.

Forgiveness: More Blessed to Receive Than to Give?

A mean-spirited country bumpkin was asked, “Do you have a grudge?” “Heck, no,” he replied in a huff. “Ah jest put mah truck in the front yard like everybody else.” Well, many of us do have a grudge – just not the kind this fellow had in mind. We harbor grudges about many things, ranging from hurtful words people have said, to not receiving thanks for a kind act, to an unresolved family dispute.

Unfortunately, there’s only one way of getting rid of grudges: Forgive. But to do so, it often seems, is like knowing someone who’s sick, then swallowing the nasty-tasting medicine for them.

We’re told, “forgive and forget,” but much of the time it’s difficult to do either. Forgiving is hard, especially when the offender hasn’t apologized or shown remorse. To forgive in effect would mean letting someone off the hook for doing or saying something wrong without making amends. Instead, we decide never to forget the harm they’ve done to us.

On the other hand, if we’ve inflicted harm upon someone else – whether a minor slight or a serious, selfish act – we believe our apologies should be readily accepted, without repercussions. Isn’t “I’m sorry” good enough?

One of the great thinkers of the mid-20^th century was C.S. Lewis, whose profound conclusions about matters of faith still resonate powerfully in this century. Lewis observed, “Everyone thinks that forgiveness is a lovely idea, until he has something to forgive.” Forgiveness, it would seem, is more blessed to receive than to give.

But should it be that way, especially for followers of Jesus? In His “Sermon on the Mount,” Jesus presented a vivid picture of what forgiveness should look like. Dismissing the “eye for an eye” philosophy, He stated, “But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well…” (Matthew 5:38-40).

When His followers asked how they should pray, Jesus included these words as a guide: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). Moments later He added, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15). Strong words.

In another passage, the apostle Paul also challenged unwillingness to let bygones be bygones: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Particularly penetrating is the phrase, “just as God in Christ has forgiven you.” If we truly understand the magnitude of God’s forgiveness, what it cost Him to make forgiveness available, harboring ill will toward others and refusing to forgive amounts to an act of rebellion.

This teaching is anchored in the biblical concept of grace – God’s unmerited and unconditional favor. Grace strikes us as an alien concept, since we so rarely experience it in everyday life. Author Max Lucado, in his book, Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine, describes it: “Grace is not blind. It sees the hurt full well. But grace chooses to see God’s forgiveness even more. It refuses to let hurts poison the heart…. Where grace is lacking, bitterness abounds. Where grace abounds, forgiveness grows.”

We have two strong motivations for forgiving others: First, because of what God in Christ has done for us. If we can comprehend how much God has forgiven us, how can we not forgive others, no matter what they have done?

Second, failure to forgive “poisons the heart,” as Lucado writes. Hebrews 12:14-15 speaks of a “root of bitterness” that acts like an emotional cancer that destroys from within: “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Regardless of the circumstances, forgiveness can prove to be more blessed to give than to receive, because the giving provides access to peace and release from a lifetime of bitterness