Forgiveness Guards Against Grudges Becoming Glooms

The troubled fellow reluctantly went to see a psychologist. He wasn’t the sharpest tack in the drawer. Trying the pinpoint the cause of the man’s anger, the therapist asked, “Do you have a grudge?” To which the man replied, “Yeah. It’s big enough for two cars, but we use half of it for storage.” 

 

Lots of people have grudges (as well as garages). We park our sedans and SUVs in garages, but grudges seem to park themselves in our thoughts and hearts. They’re easy to justify in our minds: “He did this.” “She said that.” “My boss was unfair.” “I deserved a better grade.”

 

Do your grudges hold you prisoner,
like this old jail in Tullahoma, Tenn.?

The problem is, grudges hurt us as much as the persons we hold them against. Often they hurt us more, because the “grudgees” might not know about the hurting, the hard feelings we harbor toward them, or may not even care. It’s the equivalent of being mad at someone and punching ourselves in the face to spite them.

Beyond that, nursing grudges can have toxic affects on our attitudes and outlooks on life. The late devotional writer Selwyn Hughes observed, “we must determine to forgive everyone who hurts us and refuse to nurse a grudge. Grudges become glooms…. A grudge or a resentment is sand in the machinery of living.”

 

I like that analogy. Even non-mechanical folks like me know that to keep parts of machines meshing properly they need to be oiled or greased. Putting sand in them instead will wreck a perfectly good machine in no time.

 

In our defense we want to argue, “But you don’t know what they’ve done! You don’t know how much they’ve hurt me (or my family, or my friends). How can I forgive them? I don’t want to forgive them!”

 

While those complaints are understandable, they’re not helpful. Because holding onto grudges often results in a root of bitterness in our hearts, with its roots growing deeper every day. Grudges have turned many a once-pleasant and happy person into a miserable wretch.

 

The Scriptures have much to say about this issue and the problem of festering bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 admonishes, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

 

Here we find two very important phrases – the “grace of God,” and the “bitter root.” They are oxymorons – contradictions in terms. Because God’s grace allows absolutely no room for bitterness. If anyone had a right for bitterness, to withhold forgiveness, it was God. And yet we read, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

 

No one has sinned against us nearly as much as we have sinned against the Lord. He had no obligation at all to forgive us for our many sins. Nevertheless, we have the assurance of the verse that’s so familiar we’re tempted to disregard it: “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

 

Someone might respond, “Yes, I believe that and have received Jesus into my life. But I still can’t let go of the grudge I have toward [fill in the name].” That might sound reasonable, but it also indicates a lack of appreciation for the scope and magnitude of God’s forgiveness, that no one has wronged us even a tiny fraction of the degree we’ve wronged the Lord.

 

Consider Isaiah 53:5-6 which declares, “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. We all like sheep have gone astray, each one has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid upon Him the iniquity of us all.”

 

We might be thinking, “Okay, I get it. God has forgiven me for more than anyone could possibly do to me. But I still can’t let loose of this grudge, the bitterness I feel toward that other person. I’m only human.”

 

More than we can ever comprehend, the Lord understands this. But He doesn’t ask us to forgive – to release whatever grudge we’re desperately hanging onto – in our own strength. If we have been saved by God’s redeeming grace, He has given us the capacity to extend the forgiveness that seems so impossible. 

 

We could cite many Bible passages, but here are just two to consider: “But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not by the righteous deeds we had done, but according to His mercy, through the washing of new birth and renewal by the Holy Spirit” (Titus 3:4-5). The Lord has given us spiritual rebirth, making us new and able to exhibit His divine nature.

 

The other verse, one of my favorites, is Galatians 2:20 which declares, “I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” Whenever faced with a command from the Lord and my response is, “I can’t!”, He answers, “Yes, I know. But I can – and will do it through you, if you’ll let Me.”

 

So, I ask: Are you nursing a long-standing grudge, allowing a root of bitterness to poison your inner being? Are you withholding forgiveness – essentially allowing sand to bind up the machinery of your own life? Maybe today’s the day for you to release it. To use the cliché, “let go and let God.” Maybe the object of your anger doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Don’t do it for them – do it for yourself. Free yourself from the awful prison of bitterness and gloom.

 

Unforgiveness – Sentence to Self-Imprisonment

“I just can’t forgive.” Have you ever heard someone say this? Maybe you’ve said it yourself – or at least thought those words? If so, you’re not alone. In one way or another, we’ve all suffered pain inflicted by others that seems beyond our capacity to forgive.

 

There are wrongs that have been committed on a grand scale, things such as slavery, not only here in the United States but also in many parts of the world. There’s the Holocaust, in which the Nazis killed millions of Jews all in the name of an insane ideology. Many of us will never forget the heinous terrorist acts on Sept. 11, 2001, which took the lives of more than 3,000 people and destroyed the iconic Twin Towers at New York City’s World Trade Center. Who could forgive such atrocities?

 

On a more individual level, each of us has experienced mental, emotional or physical injury, often inflicted by people we loved. Sometimes the wrongdoing was cumulative, occurring over a span of time. Or it might have resulted in a single moment of betrayal, anger, recklessness or abuse. Either way, haunted by experiences of being deeply hurt, it’s understandable for someone to adamantly insist, “I just can’t forgive.”

 

The truth is, however, it’s not that we can’t forgive. It’s that we don’t want to forgive. We could offer a variety of reasons for this: Memories of the pain inflicted are too vivid. We refuse to let the offending person (or persons) off the hook and act as if what they did never happened. We insist on justice being exacted for the wrongs we’ve suffered. 

 

Each of those reasons – and others – seems justifiable. How can we forgive and move forward as if everything’s okay when it’s not? 

 

And yet in reality, failure or refusal to forgive many times results in more and prolonged pain for the one unwilling to forgive. We hold onto the grudge, grinding the axe of persistent pain. Sadly, that’s tantamount to pouring out poison for the other person and then drinking it ourselves.

 

That’s not to discount or minimize the consequences we’ve endured from someone else’s wrongdoing. It’s just that after a while, unforgiveness affects us more than the object of our bitterness. Sometimes the offenders are unaware of the pain they’ve caused, don’t realize it still lingers, or just don’t care. I’ve heard of folks refusing to forgive people who have passed from this life. What’s their unforgiveness accomplishing then, other than sentencing themselves to an emotional prison?

 

In the Scriptures we find the subject of forgiveness discussed a lot. When Jesus introduced what we know as “the Lord’s prayer,” He included these words: “Forgive us our debts [trespasses] as we also have forgiven our debtors [those who trespass against us]” (Matthew 6:12). Then He added, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15).

 

These are hard words to hear – and to apply – but the Lord is saying that if we as broken, fallible human beings aren’t willing to forgive the wrongdoings of others, why should we expect the perfect, infallible God to forgive us?

 

While meeting with His closest disciples, Jesus presented His guidelines for confronting a believing brother or sister who had sinned against them. Pursuing the subject further, Peter challenged Jesus: “‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’”(Matthew 18:15-22). Some translations say, “seventy times seven.”

 

Jesus wasn’t instructing His followers to keep an exact count – “Aha! You’ve sinned against me 78 times – no more forgiveness for you!” He was asserting that just as we expect God in His grace to offer unlimited, unconditional forgiveness for our own sins, how can we not extend the same grace to those who sin against us?

 

“But that’s so hard!” we complain. And it is. “A price must be paid!” we want to argue. We desire retribution. Apart from Christ, such forgiveness may indeed be impossible. However, think of the example of Jesus Himself on the cross when He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Especially since the Roman soldiers and Jewish leaders thought they knew exactly what they were doing.

 

Writing to believers in ancient Colossae, the apostle Paul admonished them, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

 

This doesn’t mean offering forgiveness for grievous sins is easy for us to do. But nowhere in the Bible does it say the Christian life is supposed to be easy. In fact, struggle and suffering for Christ followers are presented as more the norm than the exception. 

All we can do is cling to the assurance Paul offered in Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” – including forgiving the seeming unforgiveable. 

A Time for Giving and Forgiving?

‘Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring – except for those who continued to grouse.

Gifts have been unwrapped, given and received, and for some it’s permission to shed their festive holiday facades and resume their miserable pre-holiday moods. Their inner bah-humbug can finally re-emerge into the open. As if there had been no times for glad tidings and good cheer at all. But does it have to be this way?

Leading up to Christmas we had Black Friday, then Cyber Monday, followed by Giving Tuesday. But why does the giving have to stop with Dec. 25? Perhaps there’s a need to continue giving, long after the ooh’s and aah’s of Christmas have silenced, unwanted gifts returned, and retailers resume scheming about what the hot products will be for next Christmas.

There’s a practical, fiscal reason to start with. Non-profit organizations are preparing to close their annual budgets, hoping to settle into the black as a new year begins. So, having enjoyed the blessings of material giving as both givers and recipients on Christmas morning, it might be good to designate the day after as a time for giving to noble causes we believe in, as well as rack up some last-minute tax deductions.

My wife and I make charitable donations throughout the year to entities whose services we value. These include our local church, a variety of ministries, and several agencies devoted to assisting the poor and needy. But I find it fun to give a little extra just as another calendar is ushered out. 

When Jesus said, “it is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35), He wasn’t uttering an idealistic platitude. Being able to share from our resources to enhance others’ lives benefits not only them, but ours as well. This practice helps to shift our attention from ourselves and our wants, responding to the legitimate needs of others.

Can you imagine how God felt when He looked upon a broken, sin-riddled, hopelessly wayward humanity and sent His own Son to serve as the atonement for their grievous sins? I don’t think there’s any way we can fully comprehend what this meant for Him, but we do know, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall have eternal life” (John 3:16). Among the many wonderful things our Lord is, He’s a giver. And perhaps we never look more like Him than when we ourselves are giving, freely, unselfishly, even sacrificially.

But there’s another kind of “giving” that many of us would be wise to pursue and apply that could be revolutionary. How about engaging in some healthy, life-changing for-giving? Almost every day we hear about someone who suffered harm of some sort, whether it was inflicted physically, psychologically or emotionally. The damage might have resulted from neglect rather than overt action. Regardless of how it came about, in its wake we find resentment, bitterness, anger, even hatred.

Sometimes wrongs committed seem beyond forgiveness; other times unresolved conflicts fester, escalating far beyond the level of the original damage. Either way, lack of forgiveness has a way of destroying the unforgiver, as well as the unforgiven.

Contrast this to the image of the young man in the news whose unarmed brother was unwittingly killed by a police officer who somehow confused his apartment with her own. Upon her conviction, the surviving brother, rather than spewing words of rage and hatred, actually stepped forward to embrace the clearly distraught woman in a grand and wonderful act of forgiveness. 

This did not bring his brother back to life. Nor did it erase the grief he felt in having lost a beloved sibling. But like chains taken off a prisoner, the young man’s willingness to forgive freed him of the burden of bitterness that was certain to remain if he didn’t.

On the cross, Jesus in the throes of deadly pain, said an incredible thing: “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Those who had wrongly convicted Him of crimes He had not committed knew they were ridding themselves of a “problem,” but hardly realized the magnitude of their murderous scheming: That they were seeking to kill God incarnate, who had come to redeem fallen and unreconcilable humanity.

In 1 John 2:12, the apostle declares, “I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his (Jesus’) name.” In His so-called Lord’s Prayer, Jesus provided an example when He prayed, “and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us” (Matthew 6:12). When God has forgiven us for so much, who are we not to forgive others – no matter what they have done?

So if, as echoes of Christmas frivolity begin to fade, you find yourself wallowing in unforgiveness, give yourself one more gift: the gift of forgiveness. Not only for the one who has offended or harmed you, but also for yourself. This world is so filled with pain – why inflict yourself with more of it? After all, we might rightly say that Christmas is for giving and forgiving.

Escaping The Prison of Unforgiveness

The story is told about the couple that decided they needed to get a divorce. Counseling with their pastor, the husband was asked, “Why do you want a divorce? Does your wife beat you up?” “No way,” he responded. “I’m always up at least half an hour before her.” “Well,” continued the perplexed pastor, “do you have a grudge?” “Yeah,” he said, “it’s big enough for two cars, but what’s that got to do with this?” Exasperated, the clergyman finally said, “So what’s the problem?” With arms folded, the husband smugly replied, “We just can’t seem to communicate!”

Unfortunately, when it comes to conflict and divisions, many people do trace it to grudges they hold toward others. Like ships passing in the night, they harbor those grudges.

It’s truly unfortunate, especially because in many instances, the most grievous victim of grudges – the unwillingness to forgive – is the individual clutching the grudge in a death grip. Speaking recently on the topic, author and pastor Alistair Begg observed, “Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free – when it turns out that prisoner is you.”

 Putting it into another metaphor, holding onto a grudge or refusing to forgive another person is like drinking poison and expecting the person you’re mad at to die.

Although I don’t there’s been a scientific study done to prove it, I suspect much of the hostility we witness in the world around us is due at least in part to unforgiven wrongs, grudges that have been nursed for a long time. The musical, “The Sound of Music,” taught that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but just a drop or two of bitterness can kill even the healthiest of relationships. 

Hebrews 12:15 speaks to that directly, admonishing, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” And this word,“defile,” offers another vivid image for the negative and often long-lasting effects of unforgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning wrongs that have been committed, whether in deed or in word. Nor does it mean we must force ourselves to forget those wrongs. Forgiving, however, does mean refusing to let anger and animosity imprison us, or “defile” our spirits, not only toward the offending party but also to many others we encounter from day to day. 

There’s a second important reason for doing what might seem impossible by extending forgiveness to someone who doesn’t deserve it. As the apostle Paul exhorted his readers, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). Keep in mind, forgiveness is something that none of us deserves.

How did the Lord forgive each of us? He stretched out His arms, allowing His hands and feet to be impaled on a cross, and declared, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). At that moment He might have been referring specifically to those responsible for putting Him on the cross, but if we’re honest, we must acknowledge we each shared in that responsibility. 

So when we forgive, we’re in effect freeing ourselves from the prison of pain, anger and negativity. We’re recognizing that no one could wrong us as much as we have wronged the God who has provided us with His forgiveness. 

And there’s one more reason for consciously resolving to forgive others even when it seems impossible. If our goal is to become more and more Christlike, more “godly,” then forgiveness can’t be excluded from the equation. As a wise man has stated, “We’re most like beasts when we kill each other; we’re most like men when we judge each other; we’re most like God when we forgive each other.”

If we bring up the excuse, “Well, I just can’t do that,” Jesus understands. He told His followers, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). But as Paul wrote, drawing from much personal experience, “I can do everything through him (Christ) who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). 

As the Lord has shown me more times than I could ever remember, whenever I decide “I can’t!” He’s quick to respond, “Yes, I know – but I can. Through you.”

The Fickle Finger of the Unforgiving Past

“Your sins will find you out!” This ancient adage rings as true today as ever. Newspaper headlines and daily news broadcasts have affirmed this in recent days. Racist comments made decades ago; similarly insensitive costumes that were worn in years past; instances of sexual harassment and, worse yet, sexual assault. All have risen out of the ashes of personal history to haunt elected officials, candidates for public office, business executives, Hollywood celebrities, and even some religious leaders.

Misdeeds of the past have a disconcerting way of re-emerging to disrupt the dreams and ambitions of people seeking to gain positions of public trust.

This sobering warning actually originated with Moses, speaking to the Reubenites and Gadites, two of the tribes of Israel. They wanted to settle on one side of the Jordan River with their families and livestock while the rest of the Israelites prepared to cross the Jordan, where they intended to establish their new homes. According to the Old Testament, the soldiers of Reuben and Gad vowed to first join their fellow Israelites in taking the land God had promised to them, before returning to the other side of the river.

After being persuaded the Reubenites and Gadites were sincere, not seeking to escape their obligations, Moses warned, "But if you fail to do this, you will be sinning against the LORD; and you may be sure that your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23).

Thinking about this, I’m reminded we can’t undo the past, no matter how much we’d like to do so. Not one of us would want our lifetime collection of warts, flaws and poor choices openly displayed for public review. Poor or unwise judgment and behavior in the past are like getting tattoos. They seemed like a good idea at the time, but in retrospect we can’t help but wonder, “What was I thinking?”

King Solomon wisely observed, “There is not a righteous man on earth, who does right and never sins” (Ecclesiastes 7:20). The apostle Paul, once notorious as a zealous enemy of Christians, piggybacked on Solomon’s declaration, then elaborated when he wrote, “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless, there is no one who does good, not even one” (Romans 3:10-12).

After Paul continued his harsh appraisal of the natural state of humankind, he finally asserted, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). If we as imperfect, fallible people find ourselves shocked, even incensed by others’ words and deeds, imagine how our holy, all-righteous God must feel – not only about theirs, but also ours?

This is why Jesus Christ admonished against our fondness for judging and assessing others. However, it wasn’t simply to condemn those who come across as judgmental and “holier than thou.” He said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2).

Sometimes when I watch or listen to the 24/7 media ranting relentlessly about someone’s failures, I wonder how many of those same commentators, if we peered into their personal lives – and histories – would be found guilty of the same or similar misdeeds, or perhaps worse?

As Paul wrote elsewhere in his letter to the church in Rome, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1). He remembered well, even citing some of his own past sins. Are we as willing to openly acknowledge our own?

Writing to another group of believers in the Greek city of Corinth, the apostle also warned, “Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall,” also recognizing, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man…” (1 Corinthians 10:12-13). To put this into today’s vernacular, when we point fingers at someone else’s wrongdoing, the remaining fingers are pointing back at ourselves.

Thankfully, the God who revealed Himself in the Bible is far more forgiving than the court of public opinion – and the ever-accusing media. Despite being perfect and holy, He offers forgiveness, cleansing and a literal new start through Jesus. “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23).

Referring to His impending death on the cross while serving the Passover meal to His followers, Jesus explained, “This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins” (Matthew 26:28).

So while past sins could possibly be brought to the public consciousness, especially if we’re in the public eye (not a good place to be these days, it seems), once we’ve confessed them and received forgiveness from God, He’ll never revisit them again. “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12). And that’s why it’s called, Good News!

Forgiving Does Not Mean Exonerating

The United States has been fondly referred to as “the land of the free.” It seems that’s changed; we’ve become “the land of the offended.” Many folks seem poised to take offense at just about everything, ranging from what someone believes, to comments casually expressed, to what ethnicity and gender they happen to be – or not be. Dare I continue wearing T-shirts of my favorite sports teams?

In some respects, this sensitivity is good. I’m old enough to remember when jokes and derogatory remarks about different groups or types of people were expressed without hesitation, let alone remorse. We as a society have learned a lot since then; such “humor” is no longer acceptable. When Jesus taught about treating others as we would have them treat us (Matthew 7:12), it’s unlikely He had impulsive or antagonistic posts on social media in mind. But His teachings transcend time and technology.

What bothers me most these days, however, is not just how quickly people take offense, even when none was intended. It’s how firmly they embrace the offense, almost like clutching onto a pet. A pet peeve, perhaps?

We’ve all been offended at one time or another. But when we hang onto negative feelings, they can cause great harm. They destroy relationships, create unnecessary divisions, and sometimes even inflict physical and emotional damage to ourselves. Living in the land of the free, we have become enslaved to debilitating emotions we won’t release.

Years ago, a relative became offended after I voiced my feelings about things she had said and done preceding an important event for a close relative. From my perspective, I had spoken only out of sincere concern, not malice. However, the hearer did not take my words in that spirit and began nursing a grudge. The resulting schism between us continued for years, long after I had apologized for my unintended offense. 

Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar, either as offender or “offendee.” Failure to forgive can lead to what the Bible calls a “root of bitterness” (Hebrews 12:15). This amounts to emotional cancer – it starts small, but when left unremoved or untreated, grows and eventually dominates everything around it.

This is one reason the Scriptures teach the importance – and necessity – of forgiveness. During His “sermon on the mount,” Jesus included these words in the model prayer He offered: “And forgive us our debts (trespasses), as we also have forgiven our debtors (those who have trespassed against us)” (Matthew 6:12). We’re to forgive those who have sinned against us or caused some sort of offense, even if they don’t deserve it – as is often the case.

But why should we do this? A few verses later, Jesus explained, “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:15). Sinning – against others, as well as against God – impedes any chance of a harmonious, healthy, growing relationship. The Lord commands us to forgive others, whether we like it or not. Failing to do so compounds the sin, because we’re disobeying His command.

In the Song of Solomon, the wise king wrote, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards” (Song of Solomon 2:15). Unforgiveness can be one of these “little foxes,” a source of annoyance, even pain, that becomes a constant disruption in our lives, depriving us of the peace of mind we long to experience.

“But if I forgive him (or her), that means I’m letting them off. They deserve to be punished for what they did!” Therein lies the misunderstanding: To forgive doesn’t mean to exonerate, or “let them off.” What someone did wrong is still wrong, but to withhold forgiveness until they’re ready to ask for it often does them no harm. We’re the ones who suffer, aggravating a wound we won’t let heal. We dwell on an offense they might not be thinking about at all, have long forgotten, or don't even know they have committed.

It’s like an elderly woman, let’s call her Sadie, who still bears a grudge against her sister, Maddie, who died 15 years ago. Sadie has become bitter and unforgiving, harboring anger for the sibling’s wrongdoing, but that’s not bothering Maddie at all anymore. So who’s this unwillingness to forgive affecting? Who’s the one who suffers?

The apostle Paul summed it up this way, reminding us of how much we’ve been forgiven by the Lord: "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). 

If we’re brutally honest with ourselves, we’d have to admit no one has ever sinned against us, or offended us, as much as we’ve sinned against and offended God. Whenever I’m tempted to think, “But Lord, how can I forgive them for what they’ve done to me,” I can almost hear Him respond, “Um, would you like me to start citing all the things you’ve done against Me?” Then He adds, “Let me be the Judge of what they’ve done.”