Keep Your Grudge in the Garage

Sometime ago, someone asked a country bumpkin if he had a grudge. “Sure do!” he replied with pride. “It’s big ‘nuf fer two cars, ‘cept that’s where I keep my four-wheeler and lawn tractor.”

Garage, “grudge.” Same thing, right? Unfortunately, no. I like having a garage, especially since I have an aversion to getting into an icy car that’s been sitting out in the freezing cold all night. Not my favorite way of “chillin’ out.” But having a grudge – better yet, nursing one – rarely, if ever, has any positive value.

Most of us know what it is to hold onto a grudge. Perhaps someone stung us with harsh words, or has treated us disrespectfully. When we’ve been wronged at work, we’re tempted to harbor a grudge for the offense. Maybe a neighbor has done or said something particularly annoying, maybe more than once. Why not hold a grudge against them for that? In sports, it’s common for rival teams to hold grudges against each other, attitudes that foment into hatred and hostility. 

Even in our churches, individuals or families refuse to speak to one another for some reason. Jesus said, “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35). But apparently some people don’t think that applies to circumstances that justify mutual antagonism.

That’s not to minimize the emotional and relationship impact of being wronged. Wounds inflicted by others, whether by people close to us or strangers, are often slow to heal. Resentment and anger are normal responses to being hurt. However, clinging to a grudge and refusing to release it can do much harm – even to ourselves.

On his radio program a while ago, Dr. David Jeremiah suggested there are four different things to do with a grudge: Curse it. Rehearse it. Nurse it. Or reverse it. And we’ve probably done each of these at one time or another. 

We curse a grudge every time we see the offending party and feel a renewed surge of negative emotions. We rehearse it by reminding ourselves of the harm done, what happened, when it happened and by whom, and how it felt. We nurse it by treating the grudge as some cherished possession, refusing to let it go for fear the wrong won’t somehow be avenged.

Or we can reverse it, recognizing that hanging onto a grudge typically brings more harm to ourselves than to the one we feel is deserving of our wrath. In presenting His model prayer – what we know as “the Lord’s Prayer” – Jesus instructed us to ask God to “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12).

He also said, a few verses later, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours” (Matthew 6:14-15). 

When I read those words, I want to respond, “But Lord, You don’t understand. After what they did (or said) to me, how can I offer forgiveness?” Then I remember Jesus on the cross, enduring the most cruel, excruciating form of execution, and yet being able to say of His executioners, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

In harboring ill will toward those who have offended or harmed us, our behavior mirrors theirs. As Dr. Jeremiah said, “Our enemy overcomes us when we become like our enemy.”

But where’s the vengeance, the making amends, if we willfully relinquish our “right” to harbor what seem to be well-deserved grudges? First of all, God declared, “Vengeance is mine” (Hebrews 10:30). Before we can utter our collective, “Yeah, but…”, we read about those to whom this admonition was originally addressed:

“Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions [in heaven]” (Hebrews 10:32-34).

If anyone had justifiable cause to nurse a grudge, it was those folks. But God insisted He alone had the right to judge, and avenge if necessary.

There’s one more reason for being willing to release grudges, even toward those who make no secret of their malice toward us. King Solomon made this startling observation: “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you” (Proverbs 25:21-22).

Some have said, “Don’t get mad. Get even.” But as followers of Christ, we have a third option: Get free. We don’t have to remain in bondage to destructive feelings; we can release them and entrust them to our just and faithful God.

Offering Eulogies for the Living?

If you could write a eulogy for yourself, what would it say?

This probably isn’t something you’ve spent a lot of time considering, but eulogies are important for any funeral or memorial service. They’re an opportunity for people to express fond things about the dearly departed. Eulogies briefly shift our focus from feelings of loss to fond reflections about the friend or family member that has just passed away.

Occasionally, giving a eulogy is problematic – when it’s a stretch to think of anything positive to say about the one deceased. Speaker James McDonald noted this recently, recalling times when he presided over services for people that weren’t well-liked. At such occasions, giving a eulogy – being truthful at the same time – can be difficult.

One might say in all candor, “He sure was different,” or “she was one of a kind.” Beyond that, finding something good to say might be challengeing. You don’t want those assembled wondering, “Who in the world are they talking about?” At the same time, we don’t want to kick a man when he’s down – literally.

What about eulogies for people who aren’t dead? “Eulogy” is derived from the Greek eulogia, meaning “praise” or “blessing.” In that sense, we needn’t wait until a person’s last breath to “bless” them. Everyone appreciates sincere compliments and encouragement, so why wait until they’re gone?

You might be thinking, “Okay, thanks for the reminder. I’ll try to remember to say something nice to my spouse (or best friend, or business partner, or pastor).” However, what about “eulogizing” people very much alive that you don’t like?

“Why would I want to do that?” you ask. As the classic children’s song says, “How do I know? The Bible tells me so.” In 1 Peter, the apostle writes about a variety of relationships – including ones we wish we didn’t have. He starts, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3:8). Another version translates the last part, “humble in spirit.” This sounds easy enough regarding people we care about. But then the admonition gets more complicated:

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). There’s that eulogy word again. Even when people treat us badly, or say nasty things to us, we’re instructed not to “bless them out,” but to “eulogize” them with words of kindness, not ones that match their wickedness.

This teaching clearly runs counter to the spirit of our age, when factions seek “peace” by spewing hatred toward those with opposing views. Conversation and debate are anything but civil. Why should we respond to insults or evil with blessings? That makes no sense, right?

Perhaps, but Romans 12:20 makes clear Peter wasn’t some Pollyanna-minded apostle. Another apostle, Paul, concurred when he wrote, “On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’” He was quoting Psalm 25:21-22, showing this blessing principle spans testaments Old and New.

This is neither easily done nor said. With so many people eagerly shouting epithets toward anyone that disagrees with them, the last thing we want to do is bless them with words of kindness, affirmation or sentiments that could foster harmony and unity.

That’s the amazing thing about the Bible. So often God asks of us things diametrically opposed to the culture and norms of our time. But as Jesus taught His followers, our behavior should make us stand out, revealing us as radically distinctive from the non-believing world around us. That’s where being “humble in spirit” comes in.

Jesus said, “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that…. But love your enemies, do good to them…. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:33-36).

Although He didn’t specifically refer to our speech in this passage, the principle is clear. It’s not unusual to feel vindictive and spiteful, to return evil in kind. Demonstrating Christ’s presence in our lives, however, calls for something totally different.

What about that family member you’ve been feuding with, a colleague at work set on being a thorn in your side, or an unreasonable neighbor unable to engage in a calm, reasonable discussion?

Rather than adding fuel to the fire, maybe we can douse the blaze with counter-intuitive responses. As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” We’re not responsible for the fiery behavior of others – but don’t need to fan the flames.