Building Us Up . . . or Tearing Us Down?

We can try, but no one can truly be an "island."

In 1624, poet John Donne wrote, “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main….” It’s the same today, nearly 400 years later. Some of us might like to live as autonomously as possible, but being “islands” isn’t possible. We influence – and are influenced by – the people that surround us, whether at work, in school, at home, wherever we go.

This raises several questions: What kind of influence will we have on others? What kind of influence will others have on us? And lastly, who will those people be?

A friend of mine, Scott, the CEO of a large corporation, offered the following insights:

“The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower our standards. They either help us to become the best-version of ourselves, or encourage us to become lesser versions of ourselves. We become like our friends. No man becomes great on his own. No woman becomes great on her own. The people around them help to make them great.

We all need people in our lives who raise our standards, remind us of our essential purpose, and challenge us to become the best-version of ourselves.”

Scott’s right. To think we can maintain standards and values by ourselves denies reality. Those we spend the most time with have an impact on our lives whether we’re conscious of it or not. It’s critical that we choose those people wisely. Do we want to become the “best-version” or ourselves, or accept a much lesser version?

When a President is elected, much consideration is given to those comprising the President’s Cabinet and chief advisors. Their influence – as well as the responsibilities they shoulder – help define the Chief Executive’s success or failure. The new head of a company carefully selects his or her leadership team, knowing they can help in making key decisions. A football coaches chooses assistants not only for their skills and expertise, but also for values that complement his own.

We also should be diligent in determining who we will “hang out” with on a regular basis. Are they people who will raise our standards – or ones that have the effect of lowering them? Because this is so important, the Bible devotes much attention to it. Proverbs 27:17 points out, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” This acknowledges there will be instances of necessary friction and heat; “sharpening” relationships sometimes produce sparks.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 presents profound observations about the impact we can have on one another. It states, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up…. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Sooner or later, we all stumble, fall down despite our best efforts. Who will be there to help us up? Will it be someone to steady us and get us back on track, or someone to cause us to fall even farther?

If our desire is to become the best-version of ourselves, we need others that offer encouragement and support. Regardless of our standing in society, we’d be wise to implement the admonition of Hebrews 10:24-25, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together…but let us encourage one another….”

Even Jesus found it necessary to identify others to help with His redemptive mission, 12 men among many followers to carry on His work. It was a rag-tag, unpredictable bunch, but 11 of them eventually proved faithful in helping to establish the strong spiritual foundation upon which the Church – the body of Christ – still stands and grows. One of them, Judas Iscariot, failed the course, but even he served as an instrument for Jesus to accomplish His atoning sacrifice on the cross.

Again, the questions are worth pondering: Who are we influencing – and who are having the greatest influence on us? As Proverbs 18:24 says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” We all need the latter – hopefully more than one.

Life According to Dodgeball

Remember playing dodgeball in elementary school? If you’re under 30, maybe not. In some places this activity’s been banned because if played with malice, it can become barbaric. During my grade school days, our intentions didn’t involve mayhem.

Sometimes life does seem a bit like playing a non-stop
game of Dodgeball. (Wikipedia image)

If you’re not familiar with dodgeball, or didn’t see “Dodgeball” the movie, the rules are simple: Players divide into two teams, and using a large, inflated rubber ball, compete in a single-elimination contest. The aim is to avoid being struck by the ball, even a glancing blow. If someone from the opposite team hits you with the ball, you’re out. One by one, competitors are eliminated until only a single player is left standing.

Think of it as a variation on music chairs. Except someone wisely realized throwing chairs wasn’t safe, so they substituted a ball. Quick and agile players, especially those that can toss the ball with accuracy and speed, usually prevail.

In some ways, everyday life’s like a game of dodgeball. Lots of things coming at us, many of them totally unexpected. For some, the secret to success is simply to avoid being struck. Unfortunately, that’s like attempting to survive rush-hour in some cities without getting any dents. Nice try.

My more aggressive classmates chose to refer to dodgeball as “bombardment.” Some days that seems an apt description for what life serves us. We’re cruising along, stress level at a minimum, when some emergency arises. Maybe a tire blows on the highway, far from the nearest exit. Our computer crashes at work – making that essential report needed for the meeting in 15 minutes inaccessible. Or frantically preparing for guests coming over for dinner, you leave the special dessert in the oven for too long.

We can think of countless other circumstances that cause us to want to duck and twist and squirm as the “dodgeballs” fly at us with machine-gun speed. It’s not fun being bombarded.

Some followers of Jesus Christ believe we should be insulated from such onslaughts. God loves us, right? Certainly, He wouldn’t want us to have to endure hardships. Right? We’re “children of the King” – that must mean we’re entitled to live in carefree, regal splendor. Right? Spoiler alert: That’s not what it says in my Bible. Or yours.

An interesting verse in the Scriptures finds the apostle Paul declaring, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death” (Philippians 3:10). I’ve been around quite a few people who are all in when it comes to knowing Jesus and experiencing the power of His resurrection. “Yup, I’m good with that!” But they tiptoe around the last part, the “fellowship of sharing in His sufferings” part. As well as the idea of “becoming like Him in His death.” Who wants that?

But as in dodgeball, we’re told in the Bible that suffering, hardship and adversity are inevitable. They’re included in the believer’s job description. Sooner or later, we’re going to get hit. It’s not a matter of “if,” but when – and how.

Think of it this way: If anyone could have succeeded at winning the “dodgeball” of everyday life, it would have been Jesus. Yet the Scriptures tell us, “For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2). Joy? Going to the cross?

That’s exactly what it says, and being called to “the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings,” we’re instructed to boldly face life’s onslaughts, not seeking them out, but also not expecting to dodge them all. That’s the application of Paul’s exhortation when he says, “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4).

Then he teaches, just two verses later, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

This is one of Paul’s recurring themes, since he also writes, “Be joyful always; praying continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

It’s almost like the apostle informing us, “Like it or not, you’ve been recruited to play a game of dodgeball – every day of your life – and sometimes you’re going to get hit. You can grumble and complain if you want, but you’ll find it much better to face the adversities that come your way with joy, and thanksgiving, knowing God is in control. If Jesus was willing to embrace the hardships He had to endure, He’ll help you in dealing with yours as well.” 

Offering Eulogies for the Living?

If you could write a eulogy for yourself, what would it say?

This probably isn’t something you’ve spent a lot of time considering, but eulogies are important for any funeral or memorial service. They’re an opportunity for people to express fond things about the dearly departed. Eulogies briefly shift our focus from feelings of loss to fond reflections about the friend or family member that has just passed away.

Occasionally, giving a eulogy is problematic – when it’s a stretch to think of anything positive to say about the one deceased. Speaker James McDonald noted this recently, recalling times when he presided over services for people that weren’t well-liked. At such occasions, giving a eulogy – being truthful at the same time – can be difficult.

One might say in all candor, “He sure was different,” or “she was one of a kind.” Beyond that, finding something good to say might be challengeing. You don’t want those assembled wondering, “Who in the world are they talking about?” At the same time, we don’t want to kick a man when he’s down – literally.

What about eulogies for people who aren’t dead? “Eulogy” is derived from the Greek eulogia, meaning “praise” or “blessing.” In that sense, we needn’t wait until a person’s last breath to “bless” them. Everyone appreciates sincere compliments and encouragement, so why wait until they’re gone?

You might be thinking, “Okay, thanks for the reminder. I’ll try to remember to say something nice to my spouse (or best friend, or business partner, or pastor).” However, what about “eulogizing” people very much alive that you don’t like?

“Why would I want to do that?” you ask. As the classic children’s song says, “How do I know? The Bible tells me so.” In 1 Peter, the apostle writes about a variety of relationships – including ones we wish we didn’t have. He starts, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3:8). Another version translates the last part, “humble in spirit.” This sounds easy enough regarding people we care about. But then the admonition gets more complicated:

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). There’s that eulogy word again. Even when people treat us badly, or say nasty things to us, we’re instructed not to “bless them out,” but to “eulogize” them with words of kindness, not ones that match their wickedness.

This teaching clearly runs counter to the spirit of our age, when factions seek “peace” by spewing hatred toward those with opposing views. Conversation and debate are anything but civil. Why should we respond to insults or evil with blessings? That makes no sense, right?

Perhaps, but Romans 12:20 makes clear Peter wasn’t some Pollyanna-minded apostle. Another apostle, Paul, concurred when he wrote, “On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’” He was quoting Psalm 25:21-22, showing this blessing principle spans testaments Old and New.

This is neither easily done nor said. With so many people eagerly shouting epithets toward anyone that disagrees with them, the last thing we want to do is bless them with words of kindness, affirmation or sentiments that could foster harmony and unity.

That’s the amazing thing about the Bible. So often God asks of us things diametrically opposed to the culture and norms of our time. But as Jesus taught His followers, our behavior should make us stand out, revealing us as radically distinctive from the non-believing world around us. That’s where being “humble in spirit” comes in.

Jesus said, “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that…. But love your enemies, do good to them…. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:33-36).

Although He didn’t specifically refer to our speech in this passage, the principle is clear. It’s not unusual to feel vindictive and spiteful, to return evil in kind. Demonstrating Christ’s presence in our lives, however, calls for something totally different.

What about that family member you’ve been feuding with, a colleague at work set on being a thorn in your side, or an unreasonable neighbor unable to engage in a calm, reasonable discussion?

Rather than adding fuel to the fire, maybe we can douse the blaze with counter-intuitive responses. As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” We’re not responsible for the fiery behavior of others – but don’t need to fan the flames.