It Takes Two to Argue

Have you noticed how difficult it is to do many things in isolation? What, for instance, is the sound of one hand clapping? Did you ever try to play tennis or ping-pong alone? In football, a passer needs a receiver, and in baseball, a pitcher can’t do without a catcher. If you’re into card games, you can play solitaire on your own, but poker or rummy don’t work without at least one more person. Bridge, euchre, checkers or chess? Forget about it!

Something else that won’t succeed in solitude is an argument. Our present age promotes an excessive amount of arguing, bickering, protesting, hueing and crying. But just as two are necessary to tango (or waltz, cha-cha or salsa), disputes arise and intensify only when at least two have decided to engage in opposing oral conflict. 

The next time someone tries to pick a verbal sparring match with you, try walking away. See how long the argument continues. The other party might attempt to resume it when you meet again, but it’s hard to sustain an antagonistic exchange when chirping crickets are the only sound when the arguer pauses to take a breath.

In the Scriptures, we discover argumentation isn’t something we invented in the 20^th and 21^st centuries, regardless of what social media and spontaneous protests might indicate. The problem is addressed in both the Old and New testaments. For instance, Proverbs 26:20-21 tells us, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.”

Most of us have observed what happens to a campfire, or a blazing fireplace, once the wood has turned to ashes. It’s like that with an argument, especially the kind saturated with fierce anger and animosity. If you don’t fuel the fire, it can’t keep burning.

Why is this important, especially for followers of Jesus? Because many of us submit to the temptation to argue our beliefs, and exhibitions of unrestrained tongues leave us vulnerable to charges of hypocrisy. In James 3:9-12 we read about the irony that uncontrolled lips present:  

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.”

In preaching to the choir, I know I’m a member of the “choir” and risk fingers being directed back to me. I’m better than I used to be, but sometimes my old bull-headedness still rears up. This reminds me of another admonition in the same chapter of James:

“When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships for example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder…. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person...” (James 3:3-6).

There’s much to be gained from civil conversations, discussions and even debates. An angry argument, on the other hand, rarely changes opinions. Proverbs 15:1 asserts, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  I’m making a note to remember that!

Offering Eulogies for the Living?

If you could write a eulogy for yourself, what would it say?

This probably isn’t something you’ve spent a lot of time considering, but eulogies are important for any funeral or memorial service. They’re an opportunity for people to express fond things about the dearly departed. Eulogies briefly shift our focus from feelings of loss to fond reflections about the friend or family member that has just passed away.

Occasionally, giving a eulogy is problematic – when it’s a stretch to think of anything positive to say about the one deceased. Speaker James McDonald noted this recently, recalling times when he presided over services for people that weren’t well-liked. At such occasions, giving a eulogy – being truthful at the same time – can be difficult.

One might say in all candor, “He sure was different,” or “she was one of a kind.” Beyond that, finding something good to say might be challengeing. You don’t want those assembled wondering, “Who in the world are they talking about?” At the same time, we don’t want to kick a man when he’s down – literally.

What about eulogies for people who aren’t dead? “Eulogy” is derived from the Greek eulogia, meaning “praise” or “blessing.” In that sense, we needn’t wait until a person’s last breath to “bless” them. Everyone appreciates sincere compliments and encouragement, so why wait until they’re gone?

You might be thinking, “Okay, thanks for the reminder. I’ll try to remember to say something nice to my spouse (or best friend, or business partner, or pastor).” However, what about “eulogizing” people very much alive that you don’t like?

“Why would I want to do that?” you ask. As the classic children’s song says, “How do I know? The Bible tells me so.” In 1 Peter, the apostle writes about a variety of relationships – including ones we wish we didn’t have. He starts, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3:8). Another version translates the last part, “humble in spirit.” This sounds easy enough regarding people we care about. But then the admonition gets more complicated:

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). There’s that eulogy word again. Even when people treat us badly, or say nasty things to us, we’re instructed not to “bless them out,” but to “eulogize” them with words of kindness, not ones that match their wickedness.

This teaching clearly runs counter to the spirit of our age, when factions seek “peace” by spewing hatred toward those with opposing views. Conversation and debate are anything but civil. Why should we respond to insults or evil with blessings? That makes no sense, right?

Perhaps, but Romans 12:20 makes clear Peter wasn’t some Pollyanna-minded apostle. Another apostle, Paul, concurred when he wrote, “On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’” He was quoting Psalm 25:21-22, showing this blessing principle spans testaments Old and New.

This is neither easily done nor said. With so many people eagerly shouting epithets toward anyone that disagrees with them, the last thing we want to do is bless them with words of kindness, affirmation or sentiments that could foster harmony and unity.

That’s the amazing thing about the Bible. So often God asks of us things diametrically opposed to the culture and norms of our time. But as Jesus taught His followers, our behavior should make us stand out, revealing us as radically distinctive from the non-believing world around us. That’s where being “humble in spirit” comes in.

Jesus said, “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that…. But love your enemies, do good to them…. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:33-36).

Although He didn’t specifically refer to our speech in this passage, the principle is clear. It’s not unusual to feel vindictive and spiteful, to return evil in kind. Demonstrating Christ’s presence in our lives, however, calls for something totally different.

What about that family member you’ve been feuding with, a colleague at work set on being a thorn in your side, or an unreasonable neighbor unable to engage in a calm, reasonable discussion?

Rather than adding fuel to the fire, maybe we can douse the blaze with counter-intuitive responses. As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” We’re not responsible for the fiery behavior of others – but don’t need to fan the flames. 

Quiet Amidst the Chaos

Did you catch the phenomenon that occurred a couple of weeks ago?

The winds of politics shift so swiftly it might be old news by the time this post appears, but Dr. Ben Carson, a noted neurosurgeon who has never held public office, had drawn even with Donald Trump in a poll of voters in Iowa, one of the early Presidential election testing grounds.

No, I’m not about to launch into some political diatribe. It’s just that after all the attention Trump has received from the media for his loud and expansive harangues, it’s interesting that Carson – in many ways kind of an “anti-Trump” – has quietly surged in voter appeal.

A writer on one Internet news and commentary site exposited, “Trump is a bombastic narcissist, Carson is quiet and self-effacing.” The columnist also described Carson, in contrast to the controversial Trump, as “polite and well-mannered” and “a gentleman.”

I admire many of Dr. Carson’s views, and his life story – rising from an impoverished childhood to achieve international acclaim in the world of medicine – is inspiring. But after watching some of his videos, which show his calm, soft-spoken, deliberate demeanor, I felt certain his style was too reserved to garner the attention needed for a serious Presidential effort. Maybe I was wrong.

The rule of the day in garnering headlines seems to be “loud and proud, bold and boisterous,” and the louder and more outlandish the presentation is, the better. So it seems curious that the quiet, controlled voice of an eminent physician could even be heard amidst the chaos.

Maybe it’s the “E.F. Hutton effect.” If you’re old enough you'll remember the TV commercials of the late 1970s for the stock brokerage in which groups of busy people would suddenly pause because, as the ads declared, “When E.F. Hutton speaks, people listen.” I’ve known people like that, refraining from saying much in meetings, but when they did speak up, you knew it would be something worth listening to.

Sometimes the din of shouting gets so loud it’s almost impossible to hear what’s being said. At such times, the soft, calculating voice of wisdom has a way of cutting through the clamor.

The Bible teaches as much. One of my favorite verses from Proverbs – which I’ve attempted many times to put into practice – states, “When words are many, sin is not absent; but he who holds his tongue is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).

Several other passages speak directly to the virtues and benefits of judicious and measured speech. For instance, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Another verse, Proverbs 17:27, states, “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”

Then there’s the stern warning from Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Have you ever thought about careful, well-considered words as being a treasure? Proverbs 20:15 declares, “Gold there is, and rubies in abundance, but lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel.” Diamonds from the tongue, maybe?

Dozens of other verses in Proverbs address both effective and careless communication, but one that might be worth considering as we watch the Presidential races ramp up in the coming months offers this advice: “He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend” (Proverbs 22:11).

Fourteen months from now, when all the screaming and shouting, posturing and preening has mercifully come to a conclusion, will the man or woman preparing to assume the Presidency be one whose speech was quiet, yet convincing? It will definitely be interesting to see.

The Megaphone Effect

We don’t see them as much anymore, but over the years cheerleaders have often used megaphones to amplify their voices for cheering on the home team. Megaphones are still employed today for various purposes, including crowd control and mass communication. Most are now portable and electronic to enhance vocal amplification, but their purpose remains the same – to ensure the message can be heard, loud and clear, for the desired effect.

There’s another kind of “megaphone effect” going on today, although it has nothing to do with hand-held, cone-shaped voice magnifiers. It’s the megaphone of mass media.

Recent weeks have provided a good example. As cold weather swept across most of the country, especially the Midwest and Northeast, phrases like “Polar Vortex” and “Arctic Express” echoed from every news source. We heard from nearly everyone, except maybe Chicken Little proclaiming the sky is falling. A visitor from another planet could easily have concluded it’s never snowed before.

Of course it has, and extreme low temperatures have been recorded before, but not trumpeted to the tune of today’s mass media megaphone. For instance, some of us can remember winter 1979, when multiple blizzards afflicted many Northern states and much of the nation was in deep freeze. Living in Ohio, I recall the temperature remained far below the freezing mark for at least 30 days straight. Heating our homes became a concern. Natural gas shortages were predicted, causing parents of young families – as were my wife and I at the time – to fret over how to keep our children warm.

That was the year – coincidentally also in January – when the acclaimed mini-series “Roots” was aired over eight successive evenings. One reason that excellent show had such high viewership, ranked for many years at the top all-time for a mini-series, was it was so cold in much of the United States millions of people had nothing else to do but watch it.

The difference between that winter 35 years ago and today? We didn’t have incessant, 24/7 news media coverage and the Internet. All we knew was it was very cold, very snowy, and someday – as always – it would start getting warmer again as spring followed winter. We didn’t have CNN, Al Roker and the Weather Channel to make us worry about surviving to see the thaw.

This mass media megaphone isn’t confined only to weather reporting. If there’s ever a scandal, whether it be the politically motivated closing of a major commuter bridge; a professional athlete making ill-advised, outlandish comments immediately after a game; or some pseudo-celebrity offering personal opinions that grate against sensibilities of the self-appointed thought police, we never hear the end of it.

News is shouted, reiterated, shouted again, repeated and rehashed until the intended message reverberates in our sleep. Even if what’s said isn’t true, we hear it so much it starts sounding that way. And, I believe, that’s not by accident. Megaphones cut through the noise with volume and clarity. They’re used for a reason.

So what do we do, shout back? Do we use bigger, more sophisticated megaphones? I think just the opposite. The book of Proverbs has much to say about how we communicate, and advises being careful and economical with the words we express:

“Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips” (Proverbs 4:24).

“When there are many words, transgression is not avoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).

“A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly” (Proverbs 12:23).

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (Proverbs 17:28).

“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions” (Proverbs 18:2).

There are many other examples, but you get the idea. It’s good advice, well worth following, whether you’re in the media or not.