Forgiveness, the Ultimate Gift We Can Give – to Ourselves

“That young man, I forgive him. I forgive him because it was what Christ did.”

 

Erika Kirk offers forgiveness at her
husband's memorial service.

That was the unexpected, maybe unfathomable statement voiced by Erika Kirk, widow of Charlie Kirk, the Conservative activist and Christian apologist assassinated two weeks ago while speaking on the campus of a university in Utah. Her words were directed to the 22-year-old alleged assassin. 

More than 60,000 people heard her speak those words in person in the jammed Phoenix, Ariz. stadium for Charlie’s memorial service Sept. 21, and millions saw her say them on TV and in videos over the days that followed. Responses ranged from awe and amazement to disbelief, and some even felt anger. How could she forgive someone who killed her husband?

 

Everyone who saw the broadcast couldn’t help but react in some way. Erika’s words brought the concept of forgiveness front and center into public discourse. And rightfully so. Because in our angry world, where hateful words and vitriol are so prevalent, forgiveness seems in short supply. And not just at colleges, the halls of government, and the ubiquitous, high-volume media.

 

Every day, millions of people carry crushing grudges against people who have hurt them – physically, verbally, emotionally. Like a relentless cancer, refusal to forgive others takes a grim toll, not only on those who’ve not been forgiven but also on those who refuse to consider or extend forgiveness.

 

On one level this is understandable. When someone has harmed us grievously, the last thing we want to say is, “I forgive you.” What we want is for them to suffer consequences. We don’t want them to feel freed or think they’ve ‘gotten away’ with wrongdoings or wrongful words. We want them to ‘pay’ for what they’ve done to us.

 

However, to forgive does not mean to forget. Nor does it mean, as in the case of the assassin, that justice won’t be served. Because it must. To forgive does not mean to exonerate. What forgiveness does most of all is free us from suffering as perpetual victims, being haunted and wounded repeatedly by memories of how we were hurt.

 

Someone has said that refusal to forgive is tantamount to drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Or as author Lewis B. Smedes observed, “To forgive is to set the prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

 

There’s an even greater, infinitely more profound reason for forgiving another person, regardless of what they’ve done. It’s as Erika Kirk said, “I forgive him because it was what Christ did.”

 

Hanging on the cross, having undergone false accusations, mocking and taunting, excruciating scourging, and experiencing the most hideous form of execution, Jesus managed to utter these words: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). The Son of God imploring the Father to forgive the truly unforgiveable.

 

This was not a singular, out of character moment for Jesus Christ. He spoke often about forgiveness and the importance of being able to forgive wrongdoing – whether committed by others or ourselves.

 

In what is commonly known as the “Lord’s Prayer,” teaching His disciples how to pray Jesus included these words: “…Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us…” (Luke 11:4, also Matthew 6:12). Other translations use the words “trespasses” or “debts” instead of sins, but the meaning is the same.

 

Forgiveness, Jesus was explaining, must be a hallmark of His followers. Because being able to truly forgive, no matter the magnitude of the offense, is possible only through the power of Christ. As He stated in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Jesus offered no exceptions to this admonition.

 

Once the disciple Peter, always pressing the point with Jesus, asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” To which Jesus responded, “I tell you, not seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-35). In explaining this, He was basically saying there is no limit to forgiveness.

 

Most important to consider is how much the Lord has forgiven us. If we’re honest, we know we’re just as sinful, just as broken, as anyone else. As we’re told in Psalm 103:10-12, “He has not dealt with us according to our sins or repaid us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His loving devotion for those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”

 

In other words, through God’s mercy and grace we’ve not received what we deserved but rather, what we definitely haven’t deserved. The apostle John gave us this reminder: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

 

Jesus underscored the importance of forgiveness in another way: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). Forgiveness, in a very real sense, is a gift we give to ourselves.

 

This doesn’t mean terrible crimes should be absolved of guilt. Our God of love is also just and righteous God. To forgive doesn’t mean release from consequences. This is why the Lord established the system of justice we utilize in our nation. We should always remember, “For we know him who said, ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ and again, ‘The Lord will judge his people’” (Hebrews 10:30).

 

It is with this confidence that an Erika Kirk can say, despite her grief, “That young man, I forgive him. I forgive him because it was what Christ did.” 

Unforgiveness – Sentence to Self-Imprisonment

“I just can’t forgive.” Have you ever heard someone say this? Maybe you’ve said it yourself – or at least thought those words? If so, you’re not alone. In one way or another, we’ve all suffered pain inflicted by others that seems beyond our capacity to forgive.

 

There are wrongs that have been committed on a grand scale, things such as slavery, not only here in the United States but also in many parts of the world. There’s the Holocaust, in which the Nazis killed millions of Jews all in the name of an insane ideology. Many of us will never forget the heinous terrorist acts on Sept. 11, 2001, which took the lives of more than 3,000 people and destroyed the iconic Twin Towers at New York City’s World Trade Center. Who could forgive such atrocities?

 

On a more individual level, each of us has experienced mental, emotional or physical injury, often inflicted by people we loved. Sometimes the wrongdoing was cumulative, occurring over a span of time. Or it might have resulted in a single moment of betrayal, anger, recklessness or abuse. Either way, haunted by experiences of being deeply hurt, it’s understandable for someone to adamantly insist, “I just can’t forgive.”

 

The truth is, however, it’s not that we can’t forgive. It’s that we don’t want to forgive. We could offer a variety of reasons for this: Memories of the pain inflicted are too vivid. We refuse to let the offending person (or persons) off the hook and act as if what they did never happened. We insist on justice being exacted for the wrongs we’ve suffered. 

 

Each of those reasons – and others – seems justifiable. How can we forgive and move forward as if everything’s okay when it’s not? 

 

And yet in reality, failure or refusal to forgive many times results in more and prolonged pain for the one unwilling to forgive. We hold onto the grudge, grinding the axe of persistent pain. Sadly, that’s tantamount to pouring out poison for the other person and then drinking it ourselves.

 

That’s not to discount or minimize the consequences we’ve endured from someone else’s wrongdoing. It’s just that after a while, unforgiveness affects us more than the object of our bitterness. Sometimes the offenders are unaware of the pain they’ve caused, don’t realize it still lingers, or just don’t care. I’ve heard of folks refusing to forgive people who have passed from this life. What’s their unforgiveness accomplishing then, other than sentencing themselves to an emotional prison?

 

In the Scriptures we find the subject of forgiveness discussed a lot. When Jesus introduced what we know as “the Lord’s prayer,” He included these words: “Forgive us our debts [trespasses] as we also have forgiven our debtors [those who trespass against us]” (Matthew 6:12). Then He added, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15).

 

These are hard words to hear – and to apply – but the Lord is saying that if we as broken, fallible human beings aren’t willing to forgive the wrongdoings of others, why should we expect the perfect, infallible God to forgive us?

 

While meeting with His closest disciples, Jesus presented His guidelines for confronting a believing brother or sister who had sinned against them. Pursuing the subject further, Peter challenged Jesus: “‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’”(Matthew 18:15-22). Some translations say, “seventy times seven.”

 

Jesus wasn’t instructing His followers to keep an exact count – “Aha! You’ve sinned against me 78 times – no more forgiveness for you!” He was asserting that just as we expect God in His grace to offer unlimited, unconditional forgiveness for our own sins, how can we not extend the same grace to those who sin against us?

 

“But that’s so hard!” we complain. And it is. “A price must be paid!” we want to argue. We desire retribution. Apart from Christ, such forgiveness may indeed be impossible. However, think of the example of Jesus Himself on the cross when He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Especially since the Roman soldiers and Jewish leaders thought they knew exactly what they were doing.

 

Writing to believers in ancient Colossae, the apostle Paul admonished them, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

 

This doesn’t mean offering forgiveness for grievous sins is easy for us to do. But nowhere in the Bible does it say the Christian life is supposed to be easy. In fact, struggle and suffering for Christ followers are presented as more the norm than the exception. 

All we can do is cling to the assurance Paul offered in Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” – including forgiving the seeming unforgiveable. 

Forgiving Does Not Mean Exonerating

The United States has been fondly referred to as “the land of the free.” It seems that’s changed; we’ve become “the land of the offended.” Many folks seem poised to take offense at just about everything, ranging from what someone believes, to comments casually expressed, to what ethnicity and gender they happen to be – or not be. Dare I continue wearing T-shirts of my favorite sports teams?

In some respects, this sensitivity is good. I’m old enough to remember when jokes and derogatory remarks about different groups or types of people were expressed without hesitation, let alone remorse. We as a society have learned a lot since then; such “humor” is no longer acceptable. When Jesus taught about treating others as we would have them treat us (Matthew 7:12), it’s unlikely He had impulsive or antagonistic posts on social media in mind. But His teachings transcend time and technology.

What bothers me most these days, however, is not just how quickly people take offense, even when none was intended. It’s how firmly they embrace the offense, almost like clutching onto a pet. A pet peeve, perhaps?

We’ve all been offended at one time or another. But when we hang onto negative feelings, they can cause great harm. They destroy relationships, create unnecessary divisions, and sometimes even inflict physical and emotional damage to ourselves. Living in the land of the free, we have become enslaved to debilitating emotions we won’t release.

Years ago, a relative became offended after I voiced my feelings about things she had said and done preceding an important event for a close relative. From my perspective, I had spoken only out of sincere concern, not malice. However, the hearer did not take my words in that spirit and began nursing a grudge. The resulting schism between us continued for years, long after I had apologized for my unintended offense. 

Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar, either as offender or “offendee.” Failure to forgive can lead to what the Bible calls a “root of bitterness” (Hebrews 12:15). This amounts to emotional cancer – it starts small, but when left unremoved or untreated, grows and eventually dominates everything around it.

This is one reason the Scriptures teach the importance – and necessity – of forgiveness. During His “sermon on the mount,” Jesus included these words in the model prayer He offered: “And forgive us our debts (trespasses), as we also have forgiven our debtors (those who have trespassed against us)” (Matthew 6:12). We’re to forgive those who have sinned against us or caused some sort of offense, even if they don’t deserve it – as is often the case.

But why should we do this? A few verses later, Jesus explained, “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:15). Sinning – against others, as well as against God – impedes any chance of a harmonious, healthy, growing relationship. The Lord commands us to forgive others, whether we like it or not. Failing to do so compounds the sin, because we’re disobeying His command.

In the Song of Solomon, the wise king wrote, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards” (Song of Solomon 2:15). Unforgiveness can be one of these “little foxes,” a source of annoyance, even pain, that becomes a constant disruption in our lives, depriving us of the peace of mind we long to experience.

“But if I forgive him (or her), that means I’m letting them off. They deserve to be punished for what they did!” Therein lies the misunderstanding: To forgive doesn’t mean to exonerate, or “let them off.” What someone did wrong is still wrong, but to withhold forgiveness until they’re ready to ask for it often does them no harm. We’re the ones who suffer, aggravating a wound we won’t let heal. We dwell on an offense they might not be thinking about at all, have long forgotten, or don't even know they have committed.

It’s like an elderly woman, let’s call her Sadie, who still bears a grudge against her sister, Maddie, who died 15 years ago. Sadie has become bitter and unforgiving, harboring anger for the sibling’s wrongdoing, but that’s not bothering Maddie at all anymore. So who’s this unwillingness to forgive affecting? Who’s the one who suffers?

The apostle Paul summed it up this way, reminding us of how much we’ve been forgiven by the Lord: "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). 

If we’re brutally honest with ourselves, we’d have to admit no one has ever sinned against us, or offended us, as much as we’ve sinned against and offended God. Whenever I’m tempted to think, “But Lord, how can I forgive them for what they’ve done to me,” I can almost hear Him respond, “Um, would you like me to start citing all the things you’ve done against Me?” Then He adds, “Let me be the Judge of what they’ve done.”

Anger: The Gift That Keeps on Taking

No way around it: We live in an angry world. Wars being waged, vicious expressions of opposing ideologies. Terrorists killing and maiming innocent people, seeking revenge or making violent statements for their cause. Drivers reacting in “road rage” against other drivers. Citizens protesting vehemently against all manner of issues.

I heard recently of a woman who launched into a tirade at a local restaurant simply because her fast-food pasta meal wasn’t prepared to her satisfaction. Everyone within a half-mile radius knew of her displeasure. She made such an angry impression, people in the establishment referred to her as “the spaghetti lady.”

A small group I attend just completed a study on anger, its causes and affects. It’s a complex emotion, for sure. It seems some people were born mad. Others walk around with the proverbial chip on their shoulder, daring anyone to knock it off. Some people seem less prone to anger, but none of us is immune.

In some cases anger is warranted, especially in the face of injustice. But it’s the consequences of anger that we recognize the most.

Unresolved anger, for example, can spawn hatred and bitterness. Those emotions, sadly, can be to the spirit what cancer is to the body: Destructive, debilitating, potentially fatal. It’s been said hatred destroys the vessel that contains it. While hatred may be directed toward other people or things, persons harboring hateful feelings seem themselves most adversely affected.

Similarly, there’s no way to sweeten the cup of bitterness. Its poison can destroy relationships between family and friends, and ultimately it can disrupt one’s relationship with God.

Knowing bitterness often grows out of refusal to forgive when wronged, Jesus addressed that issue. When His disciple Peter asked, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”, Jesus responded, “I do not say to you seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22). If you’re doing the math, I don’t think He meant it’s okay not to forgive the 491^st time.

After presenting His model prayer, in which He stated, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12), Jesus proceeded to explain, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15).

He wasn’t referring to eternal salvation, but fellowship – maintaining a healthy, unimpeded relationship with God. Failure to extend forgiveness, requested or not, is a sin, Jesus was saying. And sin of any kind disrupts daily fellowship with God, interferes with our prayers and communication with Him, and takes away the joy of His presence in our lives.

Forgiveness serves as an antidote to the poison of unresolved anger. It’s the willingness to surrender our “right” to get even, as well as our “right to be right.” It’s trusting God for meting out any appropriate penalty or punishment for wrongs committed.

Is that easy? No. Having a cancerous tumor removed isn’t easy either. But it’s better than letting it remain there to continue doing damage and causing pain.

The old song told us, “What the world needs now is love, sweet love.” Maybe what it really needs is a strong dose of forgiveness.