Unforgiveness – Sentence to Self-Imprisonment

“I just can’t forgive.” Have you ever heard someone say this? Maybe you’ve said it yourself – or at least thought those words? If so, you’re not alone. In one way or another, we’ve all suffered pain inflicted by others that seems beyond our capacity to forgive.

 

There are wrongs that have been committed on a grand scale, things such as slavery, not only here in the United States but also in many parts of the world. There’s the Holocaust, in which the Nazis killed millions of Jews all in the name of an insane ideology. Many of us will never forget the heinous terrorist acts on Sept. 11, 2001, which took the lives of more than 3,000 people and destroyed the iconic Twin Towers at New York City’s World Trade Center. Who could forgive such atrocities?

 

On a more individual level, each of us has experienced mental, emotional or physical injury, often inflicted by people we loved. Sometimes the wrongdoing was cumulative, occurring over a span of time. Or it might have resulted in a single moment of betrayal, anger, recklessness or abuse. Either way, haunted by experiences of being deeply hurt, it’s understandable for someone to adamantly insist, “I just can’t forgive.”

 

The truth is, however, it’s not that we can’t forgive. It’s that we don’t want to forgive. We could offer a variety of reasons for this: Memories of the pain inflicted are too vivid. We refuse to let the offending person (or persons) off the hook and act as if what they did never happened. We insist on justice being exacted for the wrongs we’ve suffered. 

 

Each of those reasons – and others – seems justifiable. How can we forgive and move forward as if everything’s okay when it’s not? 

 

And yet in reality, failure or refusal to forgive many times results in more and prolonged pain for the one unwilling to forgive. We hold onto the grudge, grinding the axe of persistent pain. Sadly, that’s tantamount to pouring out poison for the other person and then drinking it ourselves.

 

That’s not to discount or minimize the consequences we’ve endured from someone else’s wrongdoing. It’s just that after a while, unforgiveness affects us more than the object of our bitterness. Sometimes the offenders are unaware of the pain they’ve caused, don’t realize it still lingers, or just don’t care. I’ve heard of folks refusing to forgive people who have passed from this life. What’s their unforgiveness accomplishing then, other than sentencing themselves to an emotional prison?

 

In the Scriptures we find the subject of forgiveness discussed a lot. When Jesus introduced what we know as “the Lord’s prayer,” He included these words: “Forgive us our debts [trespasses] as we also have forgiven our debtors [those who trespass against us]” (Matthew 6:12). Then He added, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15).

 

These are hard words to hear – and to apply – but the Lord is saying that if we as broken, fallible human beings aren’t willing to forgive the wrongdoings of others, why should we expect the perfect, infallible God to forgive us?

 

While meeting with His closest disciples, Jesus presented His guidelines for confronting a believing brother or sister who had sinned against them. Pursuing the subject further, Peter challenged Jesus: “‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’”(Matthew 18:15-22). Some translations say, “seventy times seven.”

 

Jesus wasn’t instructing His followers to keep an exact count – “Aha! You’ve sinned against me 78 times – no more forgiveness for you!” He was asserting that just as we expect God in His grace to offer unlimited, unconditional forgiveness for our own sins, how can we not extend the same grace to those who sin against us?

 

“But that’s so hard!” we complain. And it is. “A price must be paid!” we want to argue. We desire retribution. Apart from Christ, such forgiveness may indeed be impossible. However, think of the example of Jesus Himself on the cross when He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Especially since the Roman soldiers and Jewish leaders thought they knew exactly what they were doing.

 

Writing to believers in ancient Colossae, the apostle Paul admonished them, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

 

This doesn’t mean offering forgiveness for grievous sins is easy for us to do. But nowhere in the Bible does it say the Christian life is supposed to be easy. In fact, struggle and suffering for Christ followers are presented as more the norm than the exception. 

All we can do is cling to the assurance Paul offered in Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” – including forgiving the seeming unforgiveable.