Forgiving Does Not Mean Exonerating

The United States has been fondly referred to as “the land of the free.” It seems that’s changed; we’ve become “the land of the offended.” Many folks seem poised to take offense at just about everything, ranging from what someone believes, to comments casually expressed, to what ethnicity and gender they happen to be – or not be. Dare I continue wearing T-shirts of my favorite sports teams?

In some respects, this sensitivity is good. I’m old enough to remember when jokes and derogatory remarks about different groups or types of people were expressed without hesitation, let alone remorse. We as a society have learned a lot since then; such “humor” is no longer acceptable. When Jesus taught about treating others as we would have them treat us (Matthew 7:12), it’s unlikely He had impulsive or antagonistic posts on social media in mind. But His teachings transcend time and technology.

What bothers me most these days, however, is not just how quickly people take offense, even when none was intended. It’s how firmly they embrace the offense, almost like clutching onto a pet. A pet peeve, perhaps?

We’ve all been offended at one time or another. But when we hang onto negative feelings, they can cause great harm. They destroy relationships, create unnecessary divisions, and sometimes even inflict physical and emotional damage to ourselves. Living in the land of the free, we have become enslaved to debilitating emotions we won’t release.

Years ago, a relative became offended after I voiced my feelings about things she had said and done preceding an important event for a close relative. From my perspective, I had spoken only out of sincere concern, not malice. However, the hearer did not take my words in that spirit and began nursing a grudge. The resulting schism between us continued for years, long after I had apologized for my unintended offense. 

Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar, either as offender or “offendee.” Failure to forgive can lead to what the Bible calls a “root of bitterness” (Hebrews 12:15). This amounts to emotional cancer – it starts small, but when left unremoved or untreated, grows and eventually dominates everything around it.

This is one reason the Scriptures teach the importance – and necessity – of forgiveness. During His “sermon on the mount,” Jesus included these words in the model prayer He offered: “And forgive us our debts (trespasses), as we also have forgiven our debtors (those who have trespassed against us)” (Matthew 6:12). We’re to forgive those who have sinned against us or caused some sort of offense, even if they don’t deserve it – as is often the case.

But why should we do this? A few verses later, Jesus explained, “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:15). Sinning – against others, as well as against God – impedes any chance of a harmonious, healthy, growing relationship. The Lord commands us to forgive others, whether we like it or not. Failing to do so compounds the sin, because we’re disobeying His command.

In the Song of Solomon, the wise king wrote, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards” (Song of Solomon 2:15). Unforgiveness can be one of these “little foxes,” a source of annoyance, even pain, that becomes a constant disruption in our lives, depriving us of the peace of mind we long to experience.

“But if I forgive him (or her), that means I’m letting them off. They deserve to be punished for what they did!” Therein lies the misunderstanding: To forgive doesn’t mean to exonerate, or “let them off.” What someone did wrong is still wrong, but to withhold forgiveness until they’re ready to ask for it often does them no harm. We’re the ones who suffer, aggravating a wound we won’t let heal. We dwell on an offense they might not be thinking about at all, have long forgotten, or don't even know they have committed.

It’s like an elderly woman, let’s call her Sadie, who still bears a grudge against her sister, Maddie, who died 15 years ago. Sadie has become bitter and unforgiving, harboring anger for the sibling’s wrongdoing, but that’s not bothering Maddie at all anymore. So who’s this unwillingness to forgive affecting? Who’s the one who suffers?

The apostle Paul summed it up this way, reminding us of how much we’ve been forgiven by the Lord: "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). 

If we’re brutally honest with ourselves, we’d have to admit no one has ever sinned against us, or offended us, as much as we’ve sinned against and offended God. Whenever I’m tempted to think, “But Lord, how can I forgive them for what they’ve done to me,” I can almost hear Him respond, “Um, would you like me to start citing all the things you’ve done against Me?” Then He adds, “Let me be the Judge of what they’ve done.”

The Spiritual Sides of Spring

Blossoms on our dogwood tree are our most vivid reminder of spring's promise.

This may come as a shock to anyone reading this up North, but it’s springtime! While the last vestiges of winter were continuing to pummel the Western, Midwestern and Northeastern states, we folks here in the South were already having the thrill of firing up our lawnmowers and trimming our lawns several times. So for those just starting to delight in the warmer weather, be advised that for some of us, it’s been here for awhile.

Actually, mine probably doesn’t qualify as a lawn, since there probably aren’t more than 15-20 legitimate blades of grass in my front and side yards combined. But at least it’s green, and when the weeds are closely cut they don’t look much different.

Every year one persistent
tulip announces spring's
return.

Every spring’s arrival not only marks an end to winter’s chill, but also brings a bit of spiritual symbolism. As buds pop out on once-barren limbs, we’re reminded of new birth, a recurring theme in the Scriptures. In reference to spiritual rebirth, 2 Corinthians 5:17 observes,  “…the old has gone, the new has come!” 

Everywhere we turn, we find evidence of that: flowering buds giving way to green leaves; colorful flowers emerging from the ground to make their annual appearance; birds returning home after their winter “vacations”; bees buzzingly going about their work, and squirrels scampering across roadways and clambering up trees.

The deadness and dormancy of winter bows out, succeeded by the chirps and rustlings of yet another spring bursting forth in all of its glory. For the spiritually minded, it also serves as a reminder of Jesus’ promise that, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). And for those who have received Him into their lives, that we too can “walk in newness of life,” as Romans 6:4 terms it.

If the goal were to grow
weeds, I'd be the best
in our neighborhood.

There’s another type of symbolism that spring offers, however, that’s not so exuberating. It’s the nefarious weeds I referred to earlier that ignore our unwelcome mat and persist in showing up, sometimes next to the beautiful plants and flowers we enjoy.

In one of His messages to His followers, recorded in Matthew 13:24-30, Jesus spoke about the wheat and the tares, weeds that commonly grow in the midst of grain. At first they appear very much alike, but before long the wheat and tares can be easily distinguished and must be separated. The tares must be gathered and destroyed, He said, until only the wheat remains. 

The weeds that infiltrate the monkey grass that lines our front walkway are like that. At first they’re indistinguishable, but before long they become evident for even casual observers to notice. Insidious sins that creep into our lives are like that. At first, hardly anyone notices; maybe not even ourselves. But over time they make their presence known, and their seductive, negative influence on our lives becomes undeniable.

Wise King Solomon used a different analogy with the same meaning when he wrote, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom” (Song of Solomon 2:15). At first the pesky thoughts and behaviors we cultivate seem of little consequence, but then we discover them guiding us down paths we never intended to take. The best way to deal with them, like weeds and little foxes, is to get rid of them as soon as we become aware of their presence.

Before long we’ll find ourselves again mired in the “dog days of summer,” but until then we have the opportunity to benefit from the many reminders of renewal, of rebirth. And also to become refreshed about the need for vigilance to prevent the “weeds” in our lives from taking root – and taking over.

The Importance of Guarding Our Heart

Almost every day we hear something about heart disease, whether on a news report, a TV commercial, or a post on the Internet. And to an extent, that’s justified. We cringe at the sound of “cancer,” but heart disease is the leading cause of death for both men and women of most ethnicities in the United States. The overriding message is we need to learn how to guard our hearts from a variety of dangers.

I know this firsthand, since both of my parents died of heart disease, and I’m a survivor. More than eight years ago I underwent open-heart surgery, and since then – for the most part – I’ve been diligent to take care of my heart. This has included regular, rigorous exercise; trying to eat properly (again, for the most part!), and taking medications as prescribed. But what concerns me even more is a different form of “heart disease” we tend to overlook.

The determination to "guard your
heart" must be intentional.

Proverbs 4:23 admonishes, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” In this instance, the passage is not referring to an organ, the cardiac muscle that keeps blood pulsing through our veins and arteries. It’s addressing our minds – the origin of our desires and motives.

The word wellspring is not a term we hear every day. One definition is “a continuous, seemingly inexhaustible source or supply of something.” So in this instance, when the Proverbs passage talks about the heart, it’s about protecting the source of what we think, how we feel, the attitudes we hold, and ultimately, who we are and how we act.

How do we go about guarding this “wellspring”? Well, it depends. Sometimes a change in environment is in order. As my friend, Jim Lange, noted recently in his own blog, environmental factors can affect our hearts positively or negatively. In some instances a change of place is needed – going to a different location to clear your head, to get your “heart” right again. This is why vacations can provide wonderful, restorative therapy.

But sometimes changing the physical environment isn’t an option. It’s our “natural habitat,” where we live and work, the people with whom we interact, along with the information available to us on a daily basis. For this reason it’s important to sort out what we allow to fill our minds, just as a programmer would monitor and control software being used in a computer.

As Jim noted, sometimes it’s toxic people – those that are perpetually negative, whose conversations are anything but uplifting and edifying. If we want to remain in a healthy, positive state of mind, more than a small dose of such individuals can be very detrimental.

Years ago I was an avid reader of horror novels, books in which elements of the occult were described in detail. After my pastor gave a sermon on what the Bible teaches about occult practices, I asked him whether my enjoyment of fiction on that topic was out of line. He gave an excellent response: “You’ve got to decide that. But consider this – when you read those books, are they pointing you toward God, or away from Him?”

Guarding our hearts doesn’t just mean avoiding negative “programming” for our minds. In today’s workplace, where men and women often work together intensely on demanding projects, married people must be cognizant of the threat of romantic entanglements and take preventive measures. Extramarital affairs, according to the experts, most commonly result not from spontaneous “one-night stands” but from relationships that slowly drift from working relationships into friendships and then emotional attachments, long before physical intimacy occurs.

So guarding our hearts in the workplace requires setting up appropriate boundaries well in advance of possible temptations. As King Solomon write, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom” (Song of Solomon 2:15). Minor, seemingly harmless words, gestures and actions can lead to major consequences.

Just as proper exercise, nutrition and medication work in positive ways to ensure heart health, we also can take steps to promote the well-being of our mental and emotional “heart.” As King David wrote, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word…. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:9-11).

The apostle Paul added, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

In approaching the challenge of “guarding our hearts,” being proactive is far better than being reactive, once the harm has already been done.