Key Ingredients for Marriages That Last and Last

On those rare but delightful times when we hear of a couple who have been married for a really long time, like 60 or even 70 years, what comes to your mind? Besides the phrase, “No way!”?

 

What would you suppose is their secret to marital longevity, their “special sauce” that has kept them from divorcing, or even murdering one another, all those years?

 

We could start with the obvious: To be married for a very long time, you have to live for a very long time. Duh! But there’s got to be more to being able to keep a marriage alive – and thriving – than just continuing to breathe. 

 

Suppose someone were to ask you to identify the keys or “ingredients” for a long marriage. How would you respond? Especially in our times when terms like “’til death do us part” and “for better or for worse” are increasingly being omitted from marriage vows. These days it’s more like, ‘Hey, we’ll give this a shot and see how it works out. We can always bail if things aren’t going to our liking.’

 

What qualities do you think would contribute to keeping a marriage strong and enduring, defining that as one that has lasted at least several decades? We could probably suggest dozens of qualities that can help keep a marriage healthy, things such as love; communication; common or at least complementary interests; understanding; mutual support; patience, and forgiveness. 

 

For marriages that have thrived for decades, many of those qualities have probably contributed to their success. But I’d suggest two other factors that in my experience have made the difference, keeping a marriage off the casualty list. They are: perseverance and faith.

 

Perseverance, as I would define it, is the determination to press on when quitting might sound like a good idea. This means more than enduring, because endurance can simply involve trying to wait out a storm until it passes. Perseverance also means taking action, addressing the crisis and striving to work toward a workable resolution. 

 

We’ve all heard the old saying “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Applied to marriage, this doesn’t mean leaving. It means hanging in there – persevering to do the work necessary to keep the U.S.S. Marriage afloat and sailing forward. Because once the illusions of the wedding day give way to the daily realities of living together, it takes a lot more than sex and warm, gushy feelings of love to stay the course.

 

Two Bible passages speak directly to this, although the context isn’t limited just to the institution of marriage. In Romans 5:3-5, the apostle Paul speaks to how we cope with adversity: “…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” 

 

God can use the inevitable hard times of life – our sufferings – to produce perseverance, which builds character, and then hope. Paul definitely was one well-acquainted with sufferings and adversity in many forms. For him, hope wasn’t just wishful thinking or a “hope-so,” but a confident assurance that with God’s enabling power he could persevere through the struggle.

 

The second passage, written by the apostle James, conveys a similar idea: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4).

 

For followers of Christ, as much as we might not like it, our faith grows best during seasons of trial. Just as the rings of a tree that have grown during adverse conditions produce the strongest wood, trials that test our faith can result in the strongest marriage, career, or any other worthwhile pursuit.

 

Today my wife and I celebrate 49 years of marriage, almost five decades of marital bliss. Just kidding – there have been many times that weren’t anything close to blissful. But together we’ve persevered. We’ve gone through major job changes, financial struggles, severe health problems and family challenges. But God has seen us through them all, and we know He’ll do the same with issues we confront in the future.

 

Much of the credit goes to my wife who in some respects had to sacrifice more than I have. Including simply putting up with me! But the lion’s share of the credit must go to the Lord Jesus, who has been the foundation for our marriage and our family, as well as the glue keeping us together when circumstances could have torn us apart.

Together we have experienced the reality of His promise, “Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3). As in all things, to quote the old hymn, “to God be the glory – great things He has done!”