‘Listen’ and ‘Silent’ – Two Peas in a Communication Pod

Did you ever notice that the words “listen” and “silent” consist of the same letters? Taking that into account, is it any wonder we have so much trouble communicating these days?

 

TV is littered with talk shows on which everyone is doing just that – talking – but hardly anyone seems willing to listen. Instead, we have groups of people impatiently waiting for one of their colleagues to take a breath so they can jump in with their own comments. I wonder what the response would be if someone decided to broadcast a “listen show” instead of the talk variety?

 

Years ago, I taught business communications classes for two accelerated college degree programs. During that span, communications changed radically. The telephone had already been invented by then (it wasn’t that long ago), but the first classes I taught were before the advent of email, the Internet, and cellphones. One thing that did not change during those years – even to this day – was the fine, oft-neglected art of listening.

 

In one session I would introduce what was called “the LADDER concept of active listening.” LADDER was an acronym for:

Look at the person.

Ask for clarification.

Don’t interrupt just if you think you have something to say.

Don’t change the subject.

Express how you feel.

Respond and give feedback.

 

I think you can understand how it might enhance successful communicating if we were to make and maintain eye contact with the person speaking; ask them to clarify anything that’s unclear; not interject our thoughts while the other person is still speaking; stay on topic; convey how what’s been said makes us feel; and then, when the other person has had the opportunity to finish what they were saying, we would react.

 

Many of these six steps for active listening do require our silence, at least for a time. When Simon & Garfunkel recorded their hit tune, “The Sounds of Silence,” I don’t think they had listening in mind, but the sounds of silence would make it easier for each of us not only to physically hear the other person but also to truly listen to what they’re saying.

 

I like what the eminently practical Old Testament book of Proverbs has to say about communications – and listening. You might recall my citing this verse before, but Proverbs 10:19 is profound: “Where there are many words, transgression is not avoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way more than once.

 

Another proverb offers a similar sentiment: “A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue” (Proverbs 11:2). Then there’s Proverbs 13:3 which says, “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” Do these verses make you think of someone – or any groups of people?

 

Dozens of other verses address the uses and abuses of the spoken word, but Proverbs also presents wisdom about the how-to’s and how-not-to’s of listening. For instance, Proverbs 18:13 gives this convicting admonition: “He who answers before listening – that is to his folly and shame.”

 

It may seem like stating the obvious, but Proverbs 20:12 reminds us, “Ears that hear and eyes that see – the Lord has made them both.” Reminds me of the sage who observed, “God made one mouth and two ears. We should use them in that proportion.”

 

Why do so many people seem to be making statements and offering comments that don’t advance the cause for successful communication? It might be because they haven’t exerted the necessary effort to listen. When Proverbs 15:23 declares, “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply – and how good is a timely word,” one way for ensuring the appropriateness and timeliness of a reply is if the speaker has first taken the time to listen.

 

Not one of us is perfect – sorry to break the news to you if you’d been thinking otherwise – which means from time to time we can benefit from caring correction. But to receive it, we must engage in that difficult communication practice: Listen. As Proverbs 25:12 observes, “Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear.”

We might be tempted to respond, “They’re not listening to me! Why should I listen to them?” I suppose it’s because someone needs to set the example. Why shouldn’t it be us? 

Words: Inspiring or Inciting, Wonderful or Woeful?

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!” When I was a kid, this old saying would be repeated over and over. One problem: it wasn’t true.

 

My boyhood had its share of cuts and scrapes. Even though I didn’t have a belligerent personality, I got into a scuffle or two. But I can't recall any of those injuries in detail. I can, however, remember harsh or unkind words that were directed to me and my fragile self-image as a youth. If I tried hard enough, some of those insults could still echo in my mind.

 

Perhaps this is one reason the Bible is replete with verses and passages that deal with the power of words, citing their capacity of uplifting and inspiring, as well as damage it can incite when misused.

 

In fact, the New Testament book of James clearly warns of the potential dangers of the tongue when not wisely restrained or controlled: “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell…no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:6-8).

Of course, we don’t need to be speaking directly to someone, or even on the phone, to inflict damage with our words. We have resources like social media, text messaging and emails to insult, demean, bully, antagonize and disparage. In fact, hiding behind the curtains of cyberspace, cowardly individuals have given an entirely different meaning to “bully pulpit.”

 

Used with grace, words – spoken or written – have the power to inspire; they can be wonderful tools of encouragement. But misused, words can deflate, even destroy. This is why we read such admonitions in the book of Proverbs as:

“The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked” (Proverbs 10:11).

“He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3).

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21).

 

When uncontrolled, one’s tongue inevitably strays into dangerous territory, so we find this admonition to speak with extreme caution: “When there are many words, transgression is not avoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19, NAS). The NIV translates it this way: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” 

 

President Abraham Lincoln is reputed to have said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” We find a similar declaration that was made many centuries earlier in Proverbs 17:28, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.”

 

All this is not to diminish the value of words, whether spoken or written. Proverbs 15:28 offers this contrast: “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things” (Proverbs 15:28). And we find this observation in Proverbs 17:27, “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.” 

 

These days it’s so easy to dash off an email thoughtlessly, failing to consider its impact on the recipient. Or to key in a derogatory comment on Facebook or Twitter. Perhaps, like a bit in the mouth of a horse, we need sound communication principles to keep our thoughts reined in. We find some in the 4^th chapter of the New Testament book of Ephesians.

 

As we prepare to speak or write something sensitive to another person, it would be helpful to pause and make certain that we are “…speaking the truth in love,” as Ephesians 4:15 phrases it.

 

A bit further into the chapter we find what we could term the “command for effective communicators: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

Selfless, sacrificial love should be our primary motivation behind everything we do, according to the Word of God, including interpersonal communications. Passages like those above could serve as safeguards for everything we say and write. Being a writer who regularly uses an abundance of words in a variety of settings, I need the counsel of these verses as much as anyone.