Love Demonstrated in Discipline

When I was growing up, discipline was a daily part of my life. As a little boy I learned that talking disrespectfully – what we now call “acting out” – or disobeying what I had been asked to do or not to do, soon resulted in a meeting with the “board of education.” As I got older, paddling no matter made sense. After all, I was a head taller than my mom. But one look from her would quickly convict me that I’d done something wrong.

 

This was not unusual in those days. Just about every kid I knew experienced discipline in some form. We were taught to respect our elders, teachers, anyone in a role of authority – and also were expected to act accordingly. 

 

Things seem to have changed a lot since my ‘olden days.’ Teachers, even those impassioned by their desire to teach and have a positive influence on young minds, are burning out quickly and resigning. This is often because their classrooms have turned into chaos. A variety of factors have contributed to this, but one of the big ones is that discipline too often isn’t taking place in the home, so young people haven’t been taught to behave in proper ways and be respectful in school.

 

Classrooms aren’t the only places where this occurs. I’ve observed toddlers in grocery stores and other public places totally out of control, and all their parents do is shrug their shoulders. To them, little Jasper’s or Josie’s misbehavior is nothing more than their efforts at self-expression. They’re expected to make their own choices about how to act.

 

It’s interesting that in the book of Proverbs, discipline is a recurring topic. It seems important, a matter close to the heart of God. To parents who think their 2- and 3- and 5-year-olds are wise enough to make their own decisions, Proverbs 22:15 states, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

 

As I’ve observed with my own children and grandchildren, to tell them not to do something because it’s in their best interest is often a sure-fire way for seeing them attempt to do it. Wisdom is acquired from time and experience; foolishness is something we’re born with.

 

For that reason, discipline is crucial if we desire to see our children grow up to be responsible adults and become good decision-makers. This doesn’t mean beating a child or responding to their wrong behavior in unrestrained anger. That’s abuse. But discipline – the parent’s desire to guide the child in doing what’s right and proper – is actually a manifestation of love. Proverbs 13:24 tells us, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

 

We’re all born with what the Bible calls a “sinful nature” (Romans 7:25, 8:3, Colossians 2:11 and many other passages). This means having a rebellious spirit – against God and anyone in authority. Some might term it, ‘doing what comes naturally.’ How do we combat that, in ourselves as well as in our children?

 

Ultimately, it’s through the power of Jesus Christ, with His Holy Spirit working in us. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 we’re told that everyone who places their faith in Christ becomes “a new creation.” But as parents we also have the responsibility for teaching and helping children to discern right from wrong. As Proverbs 29:15 points out, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”

 

I think as parents and grandparents, most if not all of us have a primary desire to see our children prosper, live happy and fulfilling lives, and avoid the dire consequences of sin as much as possible. Loving, godly discipline is one of the tools for working toward that goal: “Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; he will also delight your soul” (Proverbs 29:17).

 

Even when children are young, there’s an urgency, as Proverbs 22:6 admonishes, to “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” If we don’t provide instruction and guidance in how they should live, we can be assured someone else will. This is why Proverbs 19:18 warns, “Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death.” Discipline can serve a warning sign: Danger Ahead!

As preacher John MacArthur has pointed out, “Early childhood teaching requires both parental discipline, including corporal punishment, and balanced kindness and love.” If we truly love our children, discipline is part of the package, even though it might be difficult at times. To withhold discipline when warranted is to fail in loving them properly. 

An ‘Outdated’ Virtue We Should Recapture

Although I never served in the military, my father served for more than 22 years, so I’ve always said he served enough time for us both. Growing up as an Army brat, I gained an appreciation for many of the principles that embody effective military service. One of them is discipline.

We’ve all seen on TV or in the movies the images of boot camps where new enlistees are trained to follow orders, whether it’s marching in step, standing at attention, dressing sharply, making their bed every morning according to rigid specifications, and many others. As much as anything, these are designed to teach discipline. In wartime there’s no place for individuality; it’s all for one, one for all.

We see the same on display for championship sports teams. The best teams feature athletes who understand their respective roles and work together. Understanding that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Even star players must rely on the support of their teammates, and that calls for discipline.

So it’s sometimes dismaying to see the precipitous decline of discipline in our society today. Parents who refuse to discipline their children, explaining, “I want them to learn to make their own decisions.” When they’re two or three years old? Come on! Seriously? As a result, we see whining kiddos in the grocery store, annoying everyone around them while the parent scans the shelves, apparently oblivious to the commotion “little Billy” is creating.

And it doesn’t get better as they get older. Teachers report about the chaos in their classrooms and inability to manage them because they haven’t learned such things as respect, self-control, attentiveness and being quiet. Judging from video clips I’ve seen of students on college campuses, it only gets worse.

Discipline, we are led to believe, is outdated and restrictive. Certainly not in line with “Me Generation” thinking. However, it’s something the Bible addressed thousands of years ago and I believe it remains crucial for 21^stcentury living. Especially with so many distractions vying for our attention, we desperately need discipline just to keep on track.

For instance, Proverbs 3:11-12 tells us, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves as a father the son he delights in.” Could it be that parents refusing to properly discipline a child are lacking in love, that they would rather avoid the hard work and inconvenience of having to say “No” or insisting that rules be followed?

Another passage, Proverbs 22:6, admonishes parents, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” This doesn’t necessarily say that if we take our children to church regularly and teach them to pray, this guarantees they will be lifelong followers of Jesus Christ. It does literally mean to teach them to follow their natural bent, to determine how God designed them so they can enjoy fruitful, rewarding lives. (Hopefully following Jesus will be a part of that.)

Consider a grapevine that is regularly pruned for greater fruitfulness, and attached to fencing or stakes so it will grow properly. Jesus referred to this when He said, “I am the vine, and my Father is the gardener (vinedresser). He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful” (John 15:1-2).

To the uninitiated, the idea of cutting back or pruning a vine, a rosebush, hydrangeas or other plants seems counter-productive. But for experienced gardeners it makes absolute sense because they know the process stimulates future growth and health.

Years ago I heard Dr. Bruce Wilkinson, author of Secrets of the Vine,explain the difference between discipline and punishment from God’s perspective. Both can feel the same, he said, causing discomfort or even some pain, but their purpose is very different. Discipline – pruning – is designed to correct us and cause us to grow the right way spiritually, while punishment is executing judgment for wrongs. 

The writer of Hebrews expressed it succinctly: “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons…. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:5-11).

So why don’t we recapture this virtue of discipline, whether for training our children, for mastering a vocation or craft, or most important, for growing into the followers of Jesus Christ that God intends for us to be?