Listening – and Other ‘Lost Arts’

Have you ever thought about the “lost arts” of our society? Take for example, letter writing. When was the last time you received a handwritten letter from someone? Or even a personalized note that didn’t come via email or text? 

Along the same vein, another lost art is cursive writing – you know, the ability to create words and sentences  in flowing script. Someone has quipped that some of the newly elected members of Congress probably can’t read the U.S. Constitution, “because it’s written in cursive.” We hear so much debate about the Left and the Right, but we’ve forgotten how to write.

Have you ever tried climbing
the Listening LADDER?

You can probably think of other lost arts, but one that comes to my mind is listening. Partly because I don’t do it nearly as diligently as I should. (As my wife could easily confirm.) But even more because it’s increasingly evident that fewer and fewer people have any interest in listening. They only want to be heard by others.

The problem is, people to whom they are directing their complaints, protests and general whining aren’t listening either. They may “hear” words being spoken, because hearing is a physical activity. But to listen requires mental exertion – willingness not only to receive sounds but also to pay heed to what they mean.

So what does it take to truly listen, as opposed to simply hearing what people say? Years ago as an adjunct professor in business communications for a couple of colleges, one of my handouts was the “LADDER Concept for Active Listening.” It was a useful tool back then, and given the times and tensions we’re in, it could be even more useful today. Here it is:

·       Look at the person

·       Ask for clarification

·       Don’t interrupt just because you think you have something to say.

·       Don’t change the subject.

·       Express what you feel.

·       Respond and give feedback.

Each of the six principles of this LADDER acronym is pretty much self-explanatory, but I think if we each resolved to observe and practice them consistently, we – and our world – would be much better off. The Bible agrees, because it says a lot about the art of listening, and what happens when it’s lost.

Perhaps one of the most direct admonitions in the Scriptures comes from James 1:19, which says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” The tendency today is for people to be quick to tell others what they think and express when and why they’re mad. But not nearly as eager or adept at listening to what others have to tell us.

As someone astutely observed, God gave us two ears (for hearing), two eyes (for seeing) – and only one mouth (for speaking). Perhaps there’s good reason for that ratio.

In another passage, the apostle Paul wrote to those he was discipling, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice”  (Philippians 4:9). Seems he assumed they were actually listening to him, observing his actions and giving serious consideration to those things.

As I’ve written on other occasions, the book of Proverbs tells us much about communications, speaking and listening. But I always return to my favorite verse because it says so much in just a handful of words: “When there are many words, transgression is not avoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19). When we refrain from speaking – as well as getting ready to speak – it’s amazing how much easier it is to listen.

It certainly won’t help to pass legislation requiring people to practice the LADDER Concept for Active Listening, but as Paul wrote, there’s nothing stopping us from serving as good examples for others to learn from and observe. I won’t make it a resolution, because chances are 10 minutes from now I’ll break it. But I do plan to make climbing this “ladder” a goal, one to work on and strive to do better every day. Want to join me?

Salvaging Our World of Words

Another old year shoved to the basement, we begin our 365-day ascent toward the apex of whatever the new year holds. Along this trek, we’ll be carrying baggage from the past, along with supplies to sustain us for the future. Much of those “supplies” will consist of words we’ll employ, sometimes for good – and sometimes not.

The year just concluded had more than its share of words, written and spoken. An inordinate measure of them seemed connected to the name “Trump,” many times not in good ways. Having no interest in using my first post of the year to dabble in that topic, it seems more appropriate to contemplate how we’ll utilize words in the coming days.

Not everyone is a “writer,” although nearly all of us write, even if it’s just via texts, email or social media. So, we’ve all the opportunity to use words as tools – or weapons. It’s a choice we all must make.

We not only choose which words to use – and how – but also have the option of not using words at all. That’s where I’d like to focus. It was humorist and social commentator Will Rogers who said, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” He departed from this life in 1935, more than 80 years ago, but the wisdom of this witticism seems as apropos as ever.

It was not Rogers, however, who originated the novel idea that just because you think it, you’re not obligated to share it for all who will hear it. President Abraham Lincoln is reported to have said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” Certainly many other wise observers have expressed similar cautions through the centuries, since the tendency to give someone a piece of one’s mind they can’t afford to lose seems universal.

This is underscored in the Scriptures, which offer dozens of admonitions about the virtues – and evils – of what we say and write. The closest to the statements above is Proverbs 17:28, which declares, "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.”

There are others worth noting. Here’s a sampling:

• “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23).
• “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered” (Proverbs 17:27).
• “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).
• “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4).
• “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

Then there’s my personal favorite, one I need to remind myself of often. I still have memory lapses, too many, but it’s steered me from trouble many a time: “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).

Even for those of us who regard ourselves as introverts, communication is an integral, inevitable part of daily living. Using admonitions like those above – embracing them even – can help in our desire to be part of the solution, rather than the problem in our world that’s increasingly infected by hate speech, intolerant tolerance and irrational inventive.

Whether we make New Year’s resolutions, set annual goals, or simply intend to “do better” in the coming year, we’d be well-advised to weigh what not to say, as well as what we should say.

What I Learned Since I Knew It All

Are you old enough to remember the Encyclopedia Brittanica? How about the World Book Encyclopedia, or Encyclopedia Americana? Funk & Wagnalls, anyone? Once they were the repositories of knowledge, collections of information that, if nothing else, looked impressive and scholarly.

This classic Brockhaus Encyclopedia, photo courtesy
of Wikipedia, was an early storehouse of knowledge.

Today the only people owning these factual stockpiles call them collector’s items. No one knocks on your door anymore trying to sell you a set of encyclopedia. The reasons are simple: We have Google and other search engines that provide everything we need to know ligerally at our fingertips. And the information’s current. To keep encyclopedias up to date, they produced annual volumes to review what had transpired and was learned over the past 12 months. And even those were outdated before they got off the presses.

Of course, long before encyclopedias were even invented, there was another all-knowing resource. It was – and still is – called the “teenager.” If you’ve raised teenagers, or remember what it was like to be one, you realize young people have a special gift. Or maybe a curse: They know it all – or think they do. I’ve been a know-it-all teen, and have been a parent to teens, so I’ve experienced this complex condition. Maybe it’s instinctive to becoming independent, but they go to sleep one night agreeable and compliant, and the next morning wake up thinking they’ve acquired the wisdom of the universe.

The know-it-all syndrome doesn’t necessarily end when the teen years do, however. I recall numerous times as an adult – and probably many more that I’ve forgotten – when I was quick to make people aware of how much I knew. In retrospect, I’ve discovered I haven’t always known as much as I thought I did.

A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. In fact, knowledge – even truth – used recklessly turns into a lethal weapon. Because my style for communicating face to face tends to be direct, even off the cuff, there have been many occasions when I came to regret not being more tactful.

Someone might say, “The truth hurts,” but it doesn’t have to; it’s always better when the truth (at least as we understand it) is conveyed in a context of sensitivity and compassion, whenever possible. That’s why I often ponder some of the principles the Bible teaches about our eagerness to “tell the truth.” For instance, Ephesians 4:15 admonishes, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”

If that doesn’t seem clear enough, the ancient book of Proverbs offers this warning for those of us prone to be know-it-alls: “The wise don’t make a show of their knowledge, but fools broadcast their foolishness” (Proverbs 12:23).

The writer of Proverbs apparently was well-acquainted with the perils of verbose know-it-alls, because he offered more insights: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3).

And there’s my all-time favorite, sound advice for reining in someone like me who’s always ready to tell others what I know – even when they haven’t asked my opinion: “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19)

So if you, or someone you know, has a teenager stealthily hiding within, itching to demonstrate how he or she is like a walking, talking encyclopedia, these passages might be good ones to use as reference.