Valentine’s Day: Good Time to Revisit What Love Really Means

Valentine’s Day. It’s about that time again. When the holiday comes around, what do you think of? Hearts, flowers, boxes of candy, sentimental cards, romantic dinners? LOVE? But what do we mean when speaking about “love,” anyway? What comes to your mind when you hear the word?

If we’re to believe Hollywood, it’s about being all starry-eyed, hearts a-fluttering, and uttering profound words like, “You complete me” or, “You had me at ‘hello’.” (Yes, I’ve seen the movie, “Jerry Maguire.”) TV, commercial films and books insist it’s about animal attraction, “chemistry,” or believing “it can’t be wrong when it feels so right.” Right? Even super-sappy Hallmark movies preach, “You’ll know it when he/she is the one!” 

But is that what love’s really about – being all mushy, gushy toward each other? An emotional state that’s so easy to fall into – and fall out of, when the novelty wears off?

I’d like to think not. After more than 45 years of marriage, through the good and the bad, sickness and health, poorer and richer (comparatively speaking, that is), we’ve discovered that for love to last, it’s going to require lots more than fickle feelings.

So, getting back to the earlier question, what is love really all about? To put it another way, what should love be all about? To find the answer, there’s no better source than a very familiar passage from the Bible’s New Testament, one you’ve probably heard more than once at weddings you’ve attended. You might even have used it at your own.

The passage? It’s 1 Corinthians 13:1-13, particularly verses 4-7. 

It opens with a description of what our actions might look like in the absence of love: 

“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

Those words alone are convicting. For instance, I might believe I can recognize the truth of a situation, but when I offer my perspective, I’m lacking the sensitivity, compassion and love needed for conveying my message.

Are you old enough to remember “The Gong Show”? Contestants on that show knew the resounding gong wasn’t the sound they wanted to hear. And having performed in the percussion section of my high school marching and concert bands (as they say, “back in the day”), I learned a thing or two about clanging cymbals. ‘Nuf said!

But the next several verses really get to the crux of the true meaning of love. These are the words that will probably ring a bell with you: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

Wow! Each of those descriptors deserve an entire chapter in a book: Patient. Kind. Not envious. Not boastful or proud. Not rude. Not self-seeking. Slow to anger. Doesn’t get “historical” by refusing to forget past wrongs. Shuns evil. Cherishes the truth. Protects. Trusts. Hopes. Perseveres.

Do these sound like the qualities emphasized in our culture? Probably not. Because our culture insists, “It’s all about me.” Being patient, kind, humble and trusting requires being focused toward the other person.

Being rude, self-centered, quick to become anger, suspicious, and eager to give up when the going gets difficult are easier to do, because we’re doing what comes naturally. But if we keep in mind the one Person who embodied love, maybe we can resist the natural impulses.

As Hebrews 12:3 instructs us, “For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” And Jesus Himself, before putting these words into action, underscored the sacrificial, selfless qualities of genuine love: “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). It can’t be said any better than that.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Do you know what today is? If you have a spouse or “significant other,” you’re in trouble if you don’t. Because it’s Valentine’s Day, the day appropriated by retailers to help fill the gap until Easter (which some people treat like a springtime Christmas, without a tree), Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and then the six-month buildup to the next Christmas.

But let’s consider Valentine’s Day for what it’s supposed to be, at least in theory. It’s when we pause for special consideration to the one we love, whether it involves flowers and candy, cards, jewelry, a special dinner, or whatever works best for demonstrating our affection and admiration.

My wife and me in Capri,
Italy last year.

The symbol for the day, of course, is the heart. And we generally agree it’s a celebration of something called “love.” The question is, what exactly is…love? We hear that love is something folks fall into – and out of – even married people. Sounds kind of like emotional gravity: “I’ve fallen into love…oops, something’s tipped, so I’ve fallen out of love. Sorry ‘bout that.”

There’s love according to “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” only skin-deep, but that’s supposed to be okay. As long as the hormones continue racing, and you don’t have enough time or opportunity to genuinely get to know one another, love can survive.

Then we have the Hallmark Channel view of love: Boy bumps into girl (Hollywood’s “meet cute”); boy dislikes girl and/or vice versa; boy and girl start to build a bit of chemistry, despite obvious differences; they sense a strong attraction, almost to the point of kissing; conflict arises, nearly ending the potential romance; and then, at long last, boy and girl realize they’ve meant for each other, seal it with a kiss, and (presumably) proceed to live happily ever after. All within the span of about a week. (Obviously, I’ve seen enough Hallmark movies to know the script outline!)

But is that what love really is? Just physical attraction and raw emotions – which can alter dramatically over time?

I believe there’s no greater authority to consult about love, even romantic love, than the Scriptures. Especially the passage often used during wedding ceremonies that hardly anyone really listens to; it sounds nice, it’s found in the Bible, so let’s include it. I’m talking about 1 Corinthians 13:4-13, what some have termed “the love chapter.” We could all use a refresher, so here it is:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

I’ve read this passage many times, in different translations, and not once has it mentioned things we typically associate with love – warm and fuzzy feelings, getting all giddy and giggly, not being able to stop thinking about how the other person makes us feel. It does, however, emphasize things like patience, kindness, humility, selflessness, forgiveness, goodness, protection, contentment, being slow to anger, truthfulness, trust, and perseverance.

This isn’t to say that emotions, or physical and sexual attraction, aren’t or shouldn’t be part of the love equation. Certainly they should. God inspired an entire book of the Old Testament, The Song of Solomon, about that. But our contemporary notion of love moves too quickly to outward appearances and feelings. We would be wise to first consider “Do I like this person?” before asking, “Do I love this person?” Because as Proverbs 31:30 observes, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman [or man] who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Have you noticed in many wedding ceremonies, traditional vows are replaced by the couple’s unique sentiments toward each other? There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s their wedding, after all. But the words, “for better or for worse, in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer,” serve as an instant reality check. Because the “happily ever after” of fairy tales and Hallmark movies doesn’t translate to real life. 

Successful marriages have lots of good times – as my wife and I can attest after more than four decades. But hard times are also a necessary part of the package, and the sooner we accept that – even as a couple pledges themselves to each other – the better.

Perhaps the most profound Scriptural admonition concerning love is found in Ephesians 5:25, which instructs, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” How did Jesus love the Church – His believers and followers? He died for us, sacrificed everything for our benefit – atoning for our sins to provide redemption and reconciliation with God. 

Being a husband myself, that’s a constant and sobering reminder of how totally I should give myself to my wife. I don’t always succeed – too often I fail. But that’s the goal, the calling the Lord has given to me and to all husbands, one we can only achieve through Him. Happy Valentine’s Day!