Wanting What We Want – and Mad When We Don’t Get It

This Phillip Martin illustration shows conflict at its
worst - two people determined to get what they want.

My friend Brad, an attorney, specializes in mediation and conflict resolution. Factors that contribute to conflict are complex and diverse, but in many cases he has found a singular, common cause – people don’t get what they want.

Think about it: Marriages descend into turmoil because one or both spouses insist on getting their own way and become furious when they don’t. Close friends part because expectations aren’t met. They risk destroying loving and long-term relationships because they don’t get what they want.

Churches split because quarreling factions arise, one side set on a certain course and another side insisting on a different way. Professional athletes angrily accuse owners or management of “disrespecting” them because their demands aren’t met. In both scenarios the complaint is much the same: “We’re not getting what we want.”

When we think “conflict,” many of us turn our thoughts almost immediately to Washington, D.C., where Democrats and Republicans choose to take positions of arrogance and stubbornness over compromise and mutual understanding. Leaders of both parties engage in bitter conflict – to the detriment of the American people – all because of the belief they’re not getting what they want.

Of course this is nothing new. Throughout the history of mankind, conflicts of all magnitudes have spawned battles and wars because people didn’t get what they wanted. Look at any major war and you’ll find an element of this to some degree.

Fame and fortune offer no antidotes for conflict. Celebrated comic duos like Abbott and Costello, Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, all experienced intense conflicts, even if not as highly publicized as such clashes are in today’s media. The same has been the case through the years with many of the great musical groups, including the Beatles, and Simon and Garfunkel. So-called “perfect Hollywood couples” announce separations due to “irreconcilable differences.” Translation: “We’re not getting what we want.”

We even find this reality represented over and over in the Bible, which doesn’t sugarcoat such strife. “I want what I want” conflicts started with Cain and Abel. They continued with Abraham and his nephew, Lot; Joseph and his jealous brothers; Samson and Delilah; David and Saul; Barnabas and Paul. And let’s not forget the classic example: Judas Iscariot.

James 4:1-2 tells us, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.”

So what’s the solution? Like conflicts themselves, resolving them usually isn’t easy or simple. But the passage above points out an important principle. When we don’t get what we want, we should appeal to God for it rather than trying to get it through our own feeble and faulty efforts.

And if He says no, if our prayers aren’t answered – at least not in the way we want – we should be willing to accept that He knows us better than we know ourselves, and that His plans are better than ours.

After all, as 1 Timothy 6:6 states, “godliness with contentment is great gain.” This might seem unrealistic in our “it’s all about me” culture, which seems to dismiss contentment as foolish, impractical, even weak. But it’s God’s way; and His way is always better.

Better Than Butting Heads?

I don’t know about you, but the Presidential debates left me weary and frustrated. Articulate and well-rehearsed men aggressively engaged in verbal jousting, determinedly bent on asserting their superiority and subduing the opponent through the force of rhetoric. Frequently I felt the only thing that mattered during the debates wasn’t what was right, but whether the respective foes prevailed. Kind of reminded me of images I’ve seen of goats butting heads.

However, an illustration I came across recently offers a striking contrast. Years ago a man found himself involved in a heated dispute with another individual and was struggling to find a way for bringing the conflict to a mutually acceptable resolution. Then two goats on a mountainside showed the way.

Sometimes conflict resolution requires
no ifs, ands, or butts.

Pondering his dilemma one morning, the man noticed the goats approaching one another on a narrow path, one headed up and the other headed down. When they saw each other, they backed up and lowered their heads. It appeared they were about to charge. “This can’t be good,” the man thought, knowing butting heads on a precarious path at the edge of a mountain would be disastrous for one animal, and perhaps both.

What happened next was unexpected. The goat that stood lower on the path, the one that had been ascending, suddenly lay down, enabling the other to step over its back and proceed downward. Once the obstruction had passed, the upward-bound goat got on its feet and continued its climb.

Most likely it was an instinctive response, but the outcome was “win-win” for both of the goats. Neither got hurt; both got what they wanted.

Too often, whether in the workplace, the home, or even churches, we seem to lack that instinct. Convinced there is only one right way – “my way” – we run over or through whomever or whatever has the misfortune of getting in our way. If butting heads is what it takes, go for it.

The Scriptures, however, tell us there’s a better way. It often uses words like submit and subject to describe relationships in proper order. (Hint: The prefix “sub” implies being “under.” Just as a submarine goes under water, to submit or become subject to others means consciously and intentionally putting oneself under another.)

In 1 Peter 5:5-6, for example, younger people are told “be submissive to those who are older…clothe yourselves with humility toward one another.” And in general, we are to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).

This notion, of course, doesn’t fly well in a “look out for No. 1” society, where everyone seems to be elbowing for an advantage. But as the goats demonstrated, often the path of least resistance is submission. Giving up our rights to be right in deference to the greater good.

Too bad politicians can’t seem to get that message.