What’s This Thing Called Love Really All About?

With another Valentine’s Day upon us, thoughts of love seem to be swirling everywhere. Which prompts us to wonder, what’s this love thing really all about?  

The old Burt Bacharach tune told us, “What the World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love.” Aww! The Beatles seconded the motion with their song, “All You Need Is Love.” We had TV shows in days gone by, like “The Love Boat” and “Love: American Style”? The modernized versions are “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette,” and a slew of copycat productions. Everyone desperately in search of love. 

 

Love’s a simple four-letter word, yet so complex, with a broad range of meanings. In fact, the ancient Greeks understood the intricacies of love so well they created a number of words for it. For one, there was “eros,” referring to romantic love or sexual passion. The TV love shows, the Hallmark genre of movies, and theatrical rom-coms are mostly about this form of love – or lust.

But the Greeks understood there’s more to love than just hormones and touchy-feely emotions. “Philia” was used to describe deep friendship – brotherly love. “Storge” referred to love and affection, especially between parents and children. And then there was “agape,” the unconditional, selfless, sacrificial love that is central to the life of Jesus Christ and the Gospel.

 

There were other Greek words for other manifestations of love, but suffice it to say, there’s a whole lot more to love than warm fuzzies and physical attraction.

 

I’ve cited it before, but perhaps the best biblical description of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13. After declaring that without love we can seem like a “resounding gong” or “clanging cymbal,” that without love we are nothing and gain nothing, the passage explains what genuine love is:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:4-13).

 

As we read this list, we don’t find a love based on what someone can do for us; it’s about what we do on behalf of the person who’s the object of our love – demonstrating patience and kindness, selflessness, protection, trust, hopefulness, perseverance. Things like envy, pride, rudeness, anger, bitterness and holding grudges don’t qualify.

 

Ultimately, this love – agape – is manifested by the God we worship and serve. “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Jesus expressed it this way: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). Then He proceeded to do just that, willingly giving His life on the cross to become the atoning sacrifice – the “propitiation,” theologians term it – for our sins.

 

When we read “God is love” (1 John 4:16), it embodies a lot more than the image of a grandfather-like deity looking down from on high, loving and accepting us no matter what. Because His love takes into account His holiness and righteousness, as well as all that it cost the Lord to extend His grace and mercy, forgiveness and adoption, to us. And as the passage from 1 Corinthians states, love doesn’t delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

 

This isn’t to say Valentine’s Day and the romantic aspect of love should be discounted. Not at all. Or as the apostle Paul would have phrased it, “May it never be!” Looking at my wife, I still see my girlfriend, the beautiful woman who first caused my heart to flutter and skip beats so many years ago. I’m all about flowers, candy hearts, cute little cupids, and other happy traditions. 

 

However, our decades of marriage have taught us that enduring love, the kind that survives crises and disagreements and adversity in many forms, is more like 1 Corinthians 13 than the closing scenes of your favorite movie romance would have us believe.

 

If we want to know what love is really all about, we need to look to the God of the Bible. May we never forget, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). In that simple yet profound sentence, just two dozen words or so, we find the greatest “Valentine” gift ever offered!

Making the ‘Love Chapter’ Up Close and Personal

I’ve been pondering what’s often called “love chapter” of the Bible – 1 Corinthians 13. Couples like to include it in their wedding ceremonies; after all, the day is all about “love, love, love, love, love.” And quoting from the Bible does give the event an appropriate tone of spirituality.

Recently, I heard a speaker who suggested taking a different approach for considering this passage, one that forces us to where the proverbial rubber meets the road.

 

First, in case you’ve had a memory lapse, or are honestly not familiar with the passage, here’s the portion of the chapter most frequently recited before the bride and groom:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, is keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

 

Doesn’t reading that make you feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy? We tend to view the love that’s described in romantic or affectionate terms. However, the Greek word used here is “agape,” which refers to a selfless, sacrificial, unconditional form of love, A love that isn’t governed by feelings of the moment.

 

The speaker encouraged listeners to replace each use of the word “love” with your own name. For instance, in my case, the passage would read, “Bob is patient, Bob is kind. Bob does not envy….” That, I found, gives these verses a strikingly different meaning and impact.

 

By inserting my name – or your name – in place of love, it forces a bit of introspection: Am I patient? Am I kind? Am I not envious, or boastful? Am I proud? Am I self-seeking? (Are you feeling convicted yet?)

 

Reconfiguring this famous passage with our own name brings these characteristics, as a sports network used to say, “up close and personal.” Am I easily angered? Do I keep a record of wrongs? Do I delight in evil, rather than rejoicing in the truth? In my expressions of love, am I always protecting, trusting, hopeful, and persevering?

 

What if our answers to some of these questions are “no” when they should be “yes,” or vice versa?

 

As we survey the world around us, it seems love is quickly becoming overcome with hate; distrust replacing trust; despair overriding hope; quitting a more common choice than perseverance. What can we do about it, besides feeling guilty if we’re not patient or kind? Or if we’re prone to anger or letting our memories becoming historically hysterical in our relationships?

 

While putting this together, I happened to listen to an old Michael Jackson song, “The Man in the Mirror.” Regardless of what you think of the late pop artist, the lyrics have great application for what we’re talking about. Some of those are:

I’m staring at the man in the mirror

I’m asking him to change his ways…

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself, and then make a change.

 

If we’re lacking in any of the love traits, perhaps it’s time to take a look at ourselves – and then, make a change. Better yet, ask the Lord to start making those changes in us, because the Scriptures promise, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

 

Then, as we participate with Him in the transformation process, we can realize the truth of the closing verse of the love chapter: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

Marriage: An Unnecessarily Endangered Species

Today is a special day. It marks 43 years that my wife, Sally, and I have been married. I know this puts us in a minority group – couples that have been married for 30, 40 or more years. It’s sad in a way, because years ago such longevity was more the rule than the exception. Today, long-married couples are just as likely to receive an incredulous, “Really?!” as a “Congratulations!”

Who could have guessed one woman
could put up with me all these years?

An old hit tune repeated the words, “Love and marriage, love and marriage – go together like a horse and carriage.” It seems just as the horse and carriage have been consigned to history books and old movies, in the minds of some, marriage should as well.

When was the last time you saw a loving, thriving marriage depicted on one of your favorite TV shows? (Except maybe on the Hallmark Channel.) Among the shows I regularly watch, hardly anyone is married; if they are, the spouse is either invisible, or a thorn in the side.

Movies, for the most part, are worse. Wholesome, healthy marriages are virtually unheard-of, treated as vestiges of some prehistoric age. Entertainment news applauds twosomes that have been “together” for years without the burden of a marriage license or having exchanged wedding vows. Years ago, such relationships were scandalous. As for celebrity couples that do marry, gossip piranhas eagerly devour the gory details if – and when – they decide marriage is too difficult, too demanding, and decide divorce is a far better option.  

Thankfully, there still are those who believe in the institution of marriage, and don’t believe people who stay married should be institutionalized. I have friends, Ted and Tudi, who just celebrated 50 years of marriage. A whole half-century together! And one of my former bosses and his wife were married for more than 70 years before she passed away last year.

Of course, even for the best and strongest of marriages, “easy” isn’t part of the vocabulary. The notion of “perpetual wedded bliss” happens only in fairy tales and at the end of some Disney cartoons. You can’t have marriage without struggles, challenges, hardships and disagreements galore. Despite the tough times, there are those of us who have discovered that love and marriage do go together – like, uh, well, a car and GPS.

What does it take to build a lasting marriage? Despite more than four decades of being married to the same woman, I’m hardly an authority. But I do know it calls for large quantities of perseverance, patience, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. (In our particular case, my wife has needed to use each of these more than me!)

Love’s a big part of it, but not just the emotional kind. In the Greek, there are multiple words for “love,” including: eros (sexual love); phileo (friendship love); and apage (selfless, sacrificial love). A successful marriage requires all three, but selfless, sacrificial love is especially important. Because that’s where the tread of the words, “in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer,” meets the road.

To find a guideline for a lasting marriage, God has provided a concise formula in a passage often incorporated into wedding ceremonies: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). If we want to create a recipe for a failing marriage, simply leave out several of these ingredients.

Patience, kindness, humility, respect, forgiveness, being focused on one another and slow to anger, truthfulness, trust, belief in one another, and refusing to quit. These are Christ-empowered, Christ-like hallmarks of a marriage that will not only endure the inevitable storms and rigors of daily living, but also serve as a beacon of hope for others embarking on the adventure we know as “marriage.” Not one of us possesses or demonstrates any of these qualities 100% of the time. But they’re worth striving for!

True Love – or Fish Love?

What do you love? Probably a lot of things. We hear people say it all the time: “I love summer.” “I love reading a good book.” “I love Denzel Washington.” “I love my dog (or cat).” “I love pizza (or prime rib).” “I love New York City (or Chicago).” “I love classical music (or rap).” “I love the Buckeyes (or Crimson Tide, or Fighting Irish).” “I love my car.” “I love my wife (or husband).” “I love ‘Fixer Upper’ (or NCIS, or ‘The Bachelor’).”

We seem to be a people who love to love, and love being in love. Recently, however, I saw a video in which a rabbi explained how we’ve cheapened the term “love.” In fact, he asked a question we all should consider at one time or another: Is it true love – or is it “fish love.”

There's nothing wrong with "fish love,"
but the only one it costs is the fish.

The rabbi elaborated that someone might declare, “I love fish.” But after that individual catches a fish, he kills it, filets it, fries it – and eats it. What if we treated our spouses like that? Much of the time, he observed, we regard the things we love in terms of personal gratification – tastes good, looks good, or makes us feel good.

Too often we speak of love in terms of what we expect to receive. The young man smiles as his prospective bride walks up the aisle, imagining how she’ll complete his life and fulfill his every desire. She’s thinking of him in similar terms. As I’ve noted in other posts, we see this mindset exhibited on “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” and shows like that, in which the reality stars proclaim their “love” for several people at the same time, because they all gratify them in different ways. Kind of like saying, “I love fish…and chicken…and pasta…and cheeseburgers...and chocolate cake.”

If we were to survey couples who’ve been married for a long time, many of them in one way or another would credit the longevity of their relationship (at least in part) to the discovery that love is as much about giving as it is about receiving.

To truly love means learning to use phrases like “my way” and “I want” in decreasing measure, and instead asking questions like, “What do you want to do?” or “What can I do for you?”

We often hear people say, “God is love,” like it’s some casual mantra. But we fail to grasp what God’s love means – and what it cost Him. We see that cost stated in John 3:16 and the verse following, a passage so familiar we risk not appreciating its gravity: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”

Yes, God desires our love and worship and praise – and deserves it fully and unreservedly. But the greatest expression of His love was not what He would receive, but what He would give, in order that we might receive life everlasting. The word for love most commonly used in the New Testament is “agape,” a love that is selfless, unconditional and costly.

Engaging in “fish love” doesn’t cost anything. The only one making a sacrifice is the fish. We indulge and enjoy, then discard the bones, scales and scraps. We’ve gotten out of it what we wanted, and that’s the end of it. By contrast, genuine love often requires sacrifice, sometimes a lot of it. Picture the wife who sticks with her maimed soldier husband after he returns from a tour in the Middle East. Or the husband who devotes his life to serving his wife in her latter stages of dementia.

We see this poignantly portrayed in the final chapter of the gospel of John. After Jesus guides His disciples to a miraculous catch of fish, He confronts Peter, who earlier had denied Him three times. Twice Jesus asks Peter, “do you truly love Me?” using the term agape – sacrificial love. Peter replies each time, “You know that I love you,” using the term phileo – a form of love that refers to fondness or friendship. Kind of like “fish love.”

Finally, Jesus changes His own word, using the term “phileo” when He again asks Peter, “Do you love Me?” (John 21:13-19). As I understand this encounter, Jesus essentially was telling his impetuous disciple, “Okay, I’ll accept you where you are. The time will come when your love for me will become agape, and it will cost you everything. But it will be well worth it.”

Maybe we should ask ourselves: Do I truly love Jesus, or is “fish love” all I have to offer?