Managing the Marriage Marathon

Every year people stand before an altar and say “I do” to each other. Then some morning one of them wakes up and says in wonderment, “I did?” Or, after trying this institution called “marriage” for a time, decides, “I don’t!” Roughly 50 percent of marriages end up on the scrap heap. A sad fact.

 

In one respect, it’s understandable. It’s trite to say, but true – opposites attract. Two people from totally different backgrounds, along with diverse interests, skills and values, and often unlike personalities, are drawn together and attempt to build a permanent, happy relationship. Not to mention neither is perfect or anywhere close; how can you create a “perfect union” out of imperfection? Too often, once the honeymoon ends, rather than attract, opposites choose to attack.

 

Maybe part of the problem is what I’d call the “rom-com syndrome.” Romantic comedies make love seem so simple, such a splendid thing. There’s the “meet cute” when man and woman have a serendipitous encounter. There’s almost always instant chemistry. Then, a week or so later, they decide even though they’re as different as water and fire, they’ve found true love.

 

We never get to see the sequel, where the neat freak loses patience with the slob, or the homebody faces constant friction with the partner who likes to flit from place to place. Introverts tend to marry extroverts, and spenders are inclined to link up with savers, so conflict is inevitable. 

 

But there’s good news! Marriages can – and do – last, some for many years. We just attended a celebration for a couple married for 50 years. My wife and I just celebrated a milestone of our own, being married for 52 years. More than half a century!

 

I’m not being self-congratulatory. Because the credit doesn’t go to us. It totally goes to our Lord who has kept us together despite the many hurdles we’ve had to overcome through those years: Old baggage. Financial problems. Health challenges. Difficult family issues. Dealing with major course corrections God provided during our adventure of life together.

 

It’s been said the best model for marriage should be a triangle, with husband and wife at opposite ends of the base and Jesus Christ at the top. The closer the couple grows toward Christ, the closer they grow toward each other. That’s been our experience. 

 

Early in our marriage, even though we met at a church, Jesus wasn’t a significant part of our lives. We kept Him at an arm’s length, disinclined to let Him interfere with life the way we wanted to pursue it. The problem was we had no idea about how to forge a strong marriage and build a healthy family. By God’s grace, He put us in churches and surrounded us with friends that taught and modeled for us what a Christ-honoring home looked like.

 

There’s no “secret” to marital longevity. They say that life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. The same holds true for marriage. But it shouldn’t be simply a matter of endurance, of trying to “grin and bear it.” It should be a demonstration of teamwork and partnership, grounded in mutual love and respect – two different people complementing one another, carrying out differing roles but sharing the same goals.

 

Over the years the Lord has taught me many lessons about what it takes to make a marriage work. Even now I’m hardly an expert, but here are just a handful of the things I’ve learned:

 

I’d have to start with principles from 1 Corinthians 13, often recited during wedding ceremonies but too quickly forgotten even before the reception. That doesn’t mean they’re not valid or worth applying. The passage tells us that love, the kind God designed: 

“…is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

 

Every failing marriage, I’m certain, lacks some of those traits. When ‘self’ is on the throne, insisting on always having its own way, it’s hard to cultivate marital unity.

 

Teamwork is important on an athletic field, in workplace settings, and especially in marriage. As Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 affirms, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

 

I especially like the “cord of three strands.” If Jesus is one of the ‘strands,’ being a central part of the marriage, chances for success rise exponentially.

 

For me, it’s been critically important learning to tame my tongue. Proverbs 10:19 says it well: “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Much of my adult life, especially when angry, I had a distressing tendency to put my tongue into gear while my mind was still in park. Putting it another way, to give someone a piece of my mind I couldn’t afford to lose.

 

The destructive power of uncontrolled anger is so common that Proverbs offers numerous warnings. For instance: “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly” (Proverbs 14:29).

 

Proverbs 17:28 states, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent.” Perhaps that’s been the inspiration for a quote attributed to various people, including Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain: “It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

 

Why’s it not a good idea to just say whatever’s on our mind? Proverbs 26:21 suggests the answer: “As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.” As I learned and still strive to practice, rather than spouting words in the heat of the moment, wait a little while. Many times, once emotion has calmed down, you won’t even remember what you were mad about!

Bottom line: If we follow God’s guidelines and submit to His authority, He is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20). As they say, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!