Managing the Marriage Marathon

Every year people stand before an altar and say “I do” to each other. Then some morning one of them wakes up and says in wonderment, “I did?” Or, after trying this institution called “marriage” for a time, decides, “I don’t!” Roughly 50 percent of marriages end up on the scrap heap. A sad fact.

 

In one respect, it’s understandable. It’s trite to say, but true – opposites attract. Two people from totally different backgrounds, along with diverse interests, skills and values, and often unlike personalities, are drawn together and attempt to build a permanent, happy relationship. Not to mention neither is perfect or anywhere close; how can you create a “perfect union” out of imperfection? Too often, once the honeymoon ends, rather than attract, opposites choose to attack.

 

Maybe part of the problem is what I’d call the “rom-com syndrome.” Romantic comedies make love seem so simple, such a splendid thing. There’s the “meet cute” when man and woman have a serendipitous encounter. There’s almost always instant chemistry. Then, a week or so later, they decide even though they’re as different as water and fire, they’ve found true love.

 

We never get to see the sequel, where the neat freak loses patience with the slob, or the homebody faces constant friction with the partner who likes to flit from place to place. Introverts tend to marry extroverts, and spenders are inclined to link up with savers, so conflict is inevitable. 

 

But there’s good news! Marriages can – and do – last, some for many years. We just attended a celebration for a couple married for 50 years. My wife and I just celebrated a milestone of our own, being married for 52 years. More than half a century!

 

I’m not being self-congratulatory. Because the credit doesn’t go to us. It totally goes to our Lord who has kept us together despite the many hurdles we’ve had to overcome through those years: Old baggage. Financial problems. Health challenges. Difficult family issues. Dealing with major course corrections God provided during our adventure of life together.

 

It’s been said the best model for marriage should be a triangle, with husband and wife at opposite ends of the base and Jesus Christ at the top. The closer the couple grows toward Christ, the closer they grow toward each other. That’s been our experience. 

 

Early in our marriage, even though we met at a church, Jesus wasn’t a significant part of our lives. We kept Him at an arm’s length, disinclined to let Him interfere with life the way we wanted to pursue it. The problem was we had no idea about how to forge a strong marriage and build a healthy family. By God’s grace, He put us in churches and surrounded us with friends that taught and modeled for us what a Christ-honoring home looked like.

 

There’s no “secret” to marital longevity. They say that life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. The same holds true for marriage. But it shouldn’t be simply a matter of endurance, of trying to “grin and bear it.” It should be a demonstration of teamwork and partnership, grounded in mutual love and respect – two different people complementing one another, carrying out differing roles but sharing the same goals.

 

Over the years the Lord has taught me many lessons about what it takes to make a marriage work. Even now I’m hardly an expert, but here are just a handful of the things I’ve learned:

 

I’d have to start with principles from 1 Corinthians 13, often recited during wedding ceremonies but too quickly forgotten even before the reception. That doesn’t mean they’re not valid or worth applying. The passage tells us that love, the kind God designed: 

“…is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

 

Every failing marriage, I’m certain, lacks some of those traits. When ‘self’ is on the throne, insisting on always having its own way, it’s hard to cultivate marital unity.

 

Teamwork is important on an athletic field, in workplace settings, and especially in marriage. As Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 affirms, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

 

I especially like the “cord of three strands.” If Jesus is one of the ‘strands,’ being a central part of the marriage, chances for success rise exponentially.

 

For me, it’s been critically important learning to tame my tongue. Proverbs 10:19 says it well: “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Much of my adult life, especially when angry, I had a distressing tendency to put my tongue into gear while my mind was still in park. Putting it another way, to give someone a piece of my mind I couldn’t afford to lose.

 

The destructive power of uncontrolled anger is so common that Proverbs offers numerous warnings. For instance: “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly” (Proverbs 14:29).

 

Proverbs 17:28 states, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent.” Perhaps that’s been the inspiration for a quote attributed to various people, including Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain: “It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

 

Why’s it not a good idea to just say whatever’s on our mind? Proverbs 26:21 suggests the answer: “As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.” As I learned and still strive to practice, rather than spouting words in the heat of the moment, wait a little while. Many times, once emotion has calmed down, you won’t even remember what you were mad about!

Bottom line: If we follow God’s guidelines and submit to His authority, He is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20). As they say, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it! 

Key Ingredients for Marriages That Last and Last

On those rare but delightful times when we hear of a couple who have been married for a really long time, like 60 or even 70 years, what comes to your mind? Besides the phrase, “No way!”?

 

What would you suppose is their secret to marital longevity, their “special sauce” that has kept them from divorcing, or even murdering one another, all those years?

 

We could start with the obvious: To be married for a very long time, you have to live for a very long time. Duh! But there’s got to be more to being able to keep a marriage alive – and thriving – than just continuing to breathe. 

 

Suppose someone were to ask you to identify the keys or “ingredients” for a long marriage. How would you respond? Especially in our times when terms like “’til death do us part” and “for better or for worse” are increasingly being omitted from marriage vows. These days it’s more like, ‘Hey, we’ll give this a shot and see how it works out. We can always bail if things aren’t going to our liking.’

 

What qualities do you think would contribute to keeping a marriage strong and enduring, defining that as one that has lasted at least several decades? We could probably suggest dozens of qualities that can help keep a marriage healthy, things such as love; communication; common or at least complementary interests; understanding; mutual support; patience, and forgiveness. 

 

For marriages that have thrived for decades, many of those qualities have probably contributed to their success. But I’d suggest two other factors that in my experience have made the difference, keeping a marriage off the casualty list. They are: perseverance and faith.

 

Perseverance, as I would define it, is the determination to press on when quitting might sound like a good idea. This means more than enduring, because endurance can simply involve trying to wait out a storm until it passes. Perseverance also means taking action, addressing the crisis and striving to work toward a workable resolution. 

 

We’ve all heard the old saying “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Applied to marriage, this doesn’t mean leaving. It means hanging in there – persevering to do the work necessary to keep the U.S.S. Marriage afloat and sailing forward. Because once the illusions of the wedding day give way to the daily realities of living together, it takes a lot more than sex and warm, gushy feelings of love to stay the course.

 

Two Bible passages speak directly to this, although the context isn’t limited just to the institution of marriage. In Romans 5:3-5, the apostle Paul speaks to how we cope with adversity: “…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” 

 

God can use the inevitable hard times of life – our sufferings – to produce perseverance, which builds character, and then hope. Paul definitely was one well-acquainted with sufferings and adversity in many forms. For him, hope wasn’t just wishful thinking or a “hope-so,” but a confident assurance that with God’s enabling power he could persevere through the struggle.

 

The second passage, written by the apostle James, conveys a similar idea: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4).

 

For followers of Christ, as much as we might not like it, our faith grows best during seasons of trial. Just as the rings of a tree that have grown during adverse conditions produce the strongest wood, trials that test our faith can result in the strongest marriage, career, or any other worthwhile pursuit.

 

Today my wife and I celebrate 49 years of marriage, almost five decades of marital bliss. Just kidding – there have been many times that weren’t anything close to blissful. But together we’ve persevered. We’ve gone through major job changes, financial struggles, severe health problems and family challenges. But God has seen us through them all, and we know He’ll do the same with issues we confront in the future.

 

Much of the credit goes to my wife who in some respects had to sacrifice more than I have. Including simply putting up with me! But the lion’s share of the credit must go to the Lord Jesus, who has been the foundation for our marriage and our family, as well as the glue keeping us together when circumstances could have torn us apart.

Together we have experienced the reality of His promise, “Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3). As in all things, to quote the old hymn, “to God be the glory – great things He has done!”