If You’re Unhappy, Did You Know You Have a Choice?

Even though I’m not an expert, it seems there are a lot of unhappy people in the world around us. Maybe you’re one of them.

Whenever I feel like I’m suffering from an overdose of happiness, all I have to turn on the morning or evening news and voila, problem solved. The sky is falling! (Just as it was yesterday, and the day before that.) At least as far as we can tell by the incessant, fear-mongering news reporting. Chicken Little, along with the little boy who always cried wolf, would feel right at home in our day and age.

What happens when we succumb and start feeling overcome by fear? We start feeling unhappy. The calm, serene, predictable world we loved so much is stripped away, and we’re not pleased about it one tiny bit. 

Lest we blame the news media for pervasive unhappiness, let’s be honest. It’s not all their fault. We also have social media, where a bunch of angry, miserable people relish their daily opportunities to rant on whatever seems to be stuck in their craw. Misery loves company, they say, so if you’re miserable, why not try sharing your angst with others? It’s nice to share, right?

But even if we somehow manage to filter out the news, and social media, we can still find more than enough reasons for unhappiness. We don’t like our marriage. We don’t like our family. We don’t like our job. We don’t like our house – or our car. We don’t like the clothes in our bulging closets. Need I go on?

So, are we captives of unhappiness? Is misery destined to be our constant companion? Well, I want to let you in on a secret: You don’t have to be unhappy.

Years ago, I came across a book called Happiness Is A Choice. I don’t recall the author offhand, but just the title alone was profound. Because we can't control our circumstances, and we can’t control the world around us, but we can control our response to them. If you Google “happiness is a choice,” you’ll find that science and modern psychology confirm that indeed, we can decide to be happy. Even if the environment around us isn't happy, happy, happy.

I’ve written in the past about the commands from Romans 5 and James 1, stating we’re to rejoice or “count it all joy” when we encounter the inevitable challenges and trials of life. But the apostle Paul gave very specific instructions about how we’re to choose happiness, regardless of the situation in which we find ourselves. It’s not all that complicated, he said:

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

He wasn’t saying that everything was “peachy keen,” or whatever the saying was back then. He was writing this letter to the believers in Philippi while in prison, so Paul certainly wasn’t being idealistic or delusional. No one called him “Pollyanna Paul.” He was simply pointing out the choice we have. We can focus on the bad stuff and let it consume our thoughts, dragging them downward. Or we can concentrate on the good, positive and redeeming things we can discover even at the worst of times – if only we’re willing to look for them.

Even in the midst of severe health problems, financial struggles and workplace challenges, we can choose to be happy and shed the mantle of misery. The best way to do that is never forgetting that we’re not journeying through this life alone, that the Lord is always with us and He wants what’s best for us even more than we do.

This is why we’re told, “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2). Paul told Christ followers in ancient Rome, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).

I remember the words from the old Tony Bennett song, “Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face.” Because they always have – and they always will. And since it doesn’t take any less energy to maintain a frown than to make a smile, why not choose the latter?

How Can Happiness Be Such Hard Work?

Bowling is just one of many diversions we use in search of happiness.

“If our condition were truly happy, we would not seek diversion from it in order to make ourselves happy.”

Who do you suppose said this? Steve Jobs or Bill Gates? Walt Disney? The Kardashians? Not even close. It was French mathematician, scientist, inventor, philosopher and writer Blaise Pascal – and he wrote it in the mid-1600’s. More than 350 years ago – how can that be? They didn’t have cable TV (or even regular TV), smartphone apps, social media, PlayStation or Xbox, adult coloring books, virtual reality goggles, fantasy football – or fidget spinners. What could Pascal or folks back then have known about diversion?

Apparently, the notion that the path to happiness requires escaping the realities and pressures of daily life isn’t new. People were trying to find diversions back in the 17^th century, even though they lacked the high-tech gizmos that hold our fascination today. They were taking vacations, pursuing pleasure in various forms, playing games, and cultivating hobbies. But even then, it seems, happiness was elusive.   

Throughout history, mankind has explored every means possible for becoming happy. Who knew achieving happiness would be such a laborious endeavor? Even King Solomon, called the wisest man in history, understood this. The pages of the book of Ecclesiastes are filled with his conclusions about the futility of seeking happiness through things or experiences.

Even in the first chapter, Solomon didn’t leave his readers in suspense. “’Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless’” (Ecclesiastes 1:2). Don’t you wish the king had expressed how he really felt?

He writes about the pursuits and diversions he attempted in his quest for meaning – and happiness. “I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven…. I thought in my heart, ‘Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good.’ But that also proved to be meaningless. ‘Laughter,’ I said, ‘is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?’ I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly – my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives” (Ecclesiastes 1:13-2:3).

Solomon tells about undertaking challenging projects – building great houses and planting fabulous vineyards, gardens and parks. He worked hard and recorded achievements beyond imagining. You name it, he tried it. There’s not a single diversion he didn’t consider.

It would be worthwhile for you to read Ecclesiastes and the wise king’s observations in their entirety. But – spoiler alert! – here’s how he summarized his pursuit of happiness: “Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil” (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14).

Diversions, Solomon seemed to be saying, may take up time and distract our minds for a while, but ultimately, they steer us away from our purpose, the primary reason we’re here. God created us for us to serve Him, not for Him to serve us.

As Psalm 1:1-2 counsels us, “Blessed (happy) is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.”

Does this mean God is opposed to fun, or uproarious moments that leave us grinning ear to ear? Not at all. If we read the Scriptures with open minds, Old Testaments and New, we find the Lord finds much to amuse Him about the human condition. But as Jesus taught repeatedly, happiness isn’t found in stuff, no matter how much of it you have. It’s not found in status. It’s not even found in human relationships, even though they can provide many happy moments.

Ultimately, true happiness – and joy – are found only in a genuine, growing relationship with the God of all eternity, who desires that it be a relationship that lasts forever.

I like how Corine Gatti, a reporter at Beliefnet, expressed it recently: “Yes, happiness is overrated, depending on the prism you choose to view it through. By digging deeper, we can find the happiness that is not just a pretty word, but an eternal reality.”

Is Happiness God’s Desire for Us?

From time to time we hear people say things like, “I know God wants me to be happy.” Some TV preachers make similar statements, declaring with broad smiles that since we’re God’s children, He wants us to be happy, frequently interpreted to mean we can have and do anything we want.

But is happiness really God’s primary goal and desire for us?

This came to mind while reading the online journal of a friend who has waged a lifelong battle with Cystic Fibrosis, a debilitating, genetic disorder that affects the lungs primarily but also other organs. There is no cure for CF, and it’s one of the most widespread life-shortening genetic diseases around the world.

David, who has far exceeded doctors’ projections for his lifespan, often speaks about the joy of the struggle he and his family have experienced. It’s noteworthy, however, that he rarely uses the words “happy” or “happiness.” Because the difference between joy and happiness is almost as dramatic as night and day.

Much of what David’s had to endure in his treatments have not made him, his wife or children happy. Despite all that hardship – and there’s been a lot of it – they have never lost their joy.

Joy, especially for followers of Christ, comes from within. It involves emotion, but is based more on enduring faith and trust in God rather than external events. It can enable us to experience peace and comfort even in the midst of severe difficulties. That’s why we’re exhorted to, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds” (James 1:2).

Happiness, however, is largely predicated on happenings. I can feel happy about getting a new car, but if someone backs into it in the mall parking lot, my happiness suddenly disappears. If I receive a promotion and a sizable salary increase at work, I feel happy. But if I return home and discover major repairs are needed, consuming my pay raise and more, then as the Everly Brothers used to sing, “bye-bye happiness.”

So what does the Bible say about this? In some Bible translations the word “blessed” is translated “happy.” But this doesn’t describe a state of perpetual bliss. In fact, Psalm 94:12, which says, “Blessed is the one you discipline, Lord, the one you teach from your law,” has also been translated, “Joyful are those you discipline” and “Lord, happy is the man you discipline….” How often do we feel happy when undergoing some form of discipline?

Another passage, Psalm 1:1, states, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked…” but also can be translated, “How happy is the man who does not follow the advice of the wicked….” In many cases, the alternate uses of “blessed” and “happy” seem directly related to one’s willingness to obey and uphold God’s laws and standards.

This isn’t to say God is opposed to seeing us happy. He doesn’t frown when we listen to a comedian who provokes us to belly laughter. God’s not annoyed when we enjoy a nice vacation, get that hoped-for new job, earn good grades, or even receive an unexpected gift. He just wants us to maintain a proper perspective, recognizing life isn’t always happy – or fair.

As King Solomon wrote, “When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future” (Ecclesiastes 7:14). The New Living Translation expresses it this way: “Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life.”

If we make happiness our goal, we’re going to spend much of our lives very disappointed. Random forces around us usually don’t conspire to make us happy. But if our desire is to experience and exhibit the joy of the Lord, He promises us, “No problem. I can do that for you!”

Happy, Happy, Happy

A Facebook friend, in response to one of my comments, recently observed how we feel about things and life in general, like being happy or sad, is largely a matter of choice. There’s a lot of validity to that. I recall years ago someone wrote a book called Happiness is a Choice. I never read it, so apparently I chose to be happy without it.

In many instances we can actively choose our attitudes. Urban Meyer, head coach of the Ohio State Buckeyes football team (it’s my blog, so I can mention them if I want!) has been using a formula with his players supporting this concept: E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome).

That idea finds affirmation in many quarters. We all remember the lilting Bobby McFerrin tune, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” I’ve not become an avid fan of the TV reality series “Duck Dynasty,” but noticed Phil Robertson, the original Duck commander (head quack pot?) has written an autobiography called Happy, Happy, Happy. Better than sad, sad, sad for sure.

"Happy" can come and go in
an instant. "Joy" stays forever.

Being essentially a glass-half-full kind of person, finding the happier side of things might be easier for me than for some others. But I only agree with the notion that we can choose to be happy to a degree. Since our state of “happy” is strongly influenced by happenings around us, remaining happy about everything would require some level of lunacy or cluelessness.

Suppose you’ve had an enjoyable time at the mall, bought a few nice things you needed – or wanted – and you’re feeling happy. Then you notice the fender on your car, smashed, taillight in smithereens on the pavement. You search for a note from the offending motorist, but there’s none. It was hit-and-run, and now you’re calling your insurance agent, unsure about the extent of your uninsured motorist coverage. How happy are you now?

Or you’ve been having a bothersome pain, so you go to your physician, who orders a couple of tests and some blood work. “It’s probably nothing to be concerned about,” she assures you in her best effort to avoid admitting, “I don’t have a clue what’s wrong with you.” A day or two later you receive a phone call and learn the “probably nothing” is definitely something, and it needs to be treated immediately. How happy are you now?

Or you report for work, as you have the past dozen years or so, ready to tackle another day of challenges. Your boss calls and asks you to come by his office. As compassionately as possible, he informs you the company is being forced to make some regrettable cuts – and sorry, you’re a “cut-ee.” How happy are you now?

There’s even a misconception that if you’re a follower of Christ you’re supposed to be continually happy. After all, doesn’t the old hymn say, “and now I am happy all the day”? But in reality, the state of being or feeling happy is neither requirement nor expectation for following Jesus.

Checking with my trusty concordance, the word “happy” appears less than 30 times in the entire Bible. However, there are more than 200 variations of the word “joy” in the Bible. In reality, happy is to joy what a housecat is to a tiger. Totally different animal.

Yes, there are many times when happiness and joy intersect. But joy can exist – even endure – when happy goes away. That’s the promise Jesus made to all who follow Him.

He said, “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:9-11).

One thing Jesus never promised His followers was they would always be happy or without problems. In fact, He assured just the opposite. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). In place of “take heart,” other translations use the words “be courageous” or “be of good cheer.” In other words, we can rejoice even when we find nothing to feel happy about.

Gazing at the world around us, some of us may be delighted by what we see, others may feel distressed. You might have just experienced one of the happiest moments of your life, or you may be enduring a great personal loss or tragedy. Regardless of the circumstances, even when we feel overwhelmed, incapable of choosing to be happy, we can experience the joy only Jesus can give. 

Happiness Is Overrated

How many times have you heard someone say, “I deserve to be happy!” or some variation of that to justify everything from buying a new 70-inch flat-screen TV to getting a divorce? The mantra tells us, “If it feels good, do it.” That will make us happy, right? And doesn’t God want us to be happy? Lots of people say He does.

I’m all for happiness, don’t get me wrong. Even the U.S. Constitution says everyone’s entitled to “the pursuit of happiness.” But I’ve learned that trying to hang onto happiness is like attempting to grasp steam rising from a hot cup of morning coffee. Now you have it – now you don’t.

Years ago a wise man made an important distinction between happiness and joy. Happiness, he explained, is determined by happenings. When something good happens, you feel happy. But when something bad happens a few minutes later, happiness is displaced by unhappiness.

Take the example of an athletic contest against your team’s dreaded rival. Near the end of the game, your team scores the go-ahead touchdown or goal. You cheer. You’re euphoric. “We’re going to win!” Happy, happy!

Then the other team gets the ball and the star player for Most-Hated University takes it the length of the field for the winning score. You frown. You feel despair. Bye-bye, happiness.

I remember going to a theatrical performance one time, a very enjoyable evening. It was late, so I looked forward to going home. Preparing to leave, I discovered someone’s vehicle has slid on the ice-crusted parking lot and dented one of my car’s fenders. Instantly my smile drooped upside-down into a frown.

Oh – the rest of the wise man’s distinction: Unlike happiness, which depends on external circumstances, joy comes from within, he said. It gives a sense of well-being, hope and peace that endures even in the most dire situations: A discouraging health diagnosis, money problems, family conflict, crumpled fenders, a ruined roast with guests expected within five minutes. Unhappy developments, but happenings can’t touch internal joy.

That’s why the Bible can make this strange declaration: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4).

The apostle Paul presents a similarly curious admonition in his letter to followers of Jesus in Rome: “…but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-5).

One who had experienced his share of hardship and adversity, Paul had it right. Struggles don’t make us happy, but they can make us better, helping to transform us into people of godly character. And therein lies the joy.

Money – and Happiness

Okay, we now have conclusive, definitive proof – at least according to a study conducted by the Center for Health and Wellbeing at Princeton University – that money can buy happiness.

Duh!

The last time you got a new car, did that make you sad? Or when you purchased a flashy new computer – or the latest cell phone? Or even a new clothing outfit? Did that make you angry?

Of course money can buy happiness – temporarily. But the things money can buy get old, wear out or rust out, break, go out of style, get lost, or we simply grow tired of them. That CD you just had to have a few months ago? Not fun anymore. That shirt or dress that in 2009 seemed as if it had been designed exclusively for you? Boring. The vacation trip last year that took an entire year’s savings? A distant, fading memory.

The fact is, happiness and happenings come from the same root word. So whenever nice things happen, we feel happy. But happiness is fleeting. Just let somebody back into your shiny new car and discover then how you feel.

Years ago I heard a speaker wisely distinguish happiness (which depends on external events) from joy (which is formed within). Being diagnosed with heart disease or cancer won’t make you happy, but you still can feel joy when you have confidence in the God who tells us to, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you have trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4).

Interesting: Since this study was done at Princeton, one of the really expensive institutions in the country, imagine how happy those folks are!

Buying Happiness

Whoever first said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” probably didn’t have any. Sounds like sour grapes.

Today millions of people are devoting much time and energy “buying happiness.” And they’ll succeed. Christmas morning will elicit squeals of delight at the sight of shiny new bicycles, happy hoots when the latest electronic gizmos are unwrapped, and bright smiles when coveted sweaters, jewelry and other treasures emerge from gaily colored boxes.

The only problem? The happiness money buys won’t last. Novelty fades and fascination gives way to familiarity. Today’s technological wonder becomes tomorrow’s ho-hum as something faster and flashier succeeds it. Even new cars get dirty and dented. Wreck your sedan – where’s “happiness” then?

Years ago I heard a radio speaker put it into perspective: Happiness is not to be confused with joy. Happiness is dependent on happenings – externals – while joy comes from within and can remain untarnished by things that occur outside our control.

For instance, a new picture may make me happy, but if I pound my thumb with a hammer while preparing a place to hang it, I’m no longer happy. However, if that picture contains images of people I love, my joy in beholding it remains even while my thumb throbs.

Joy transcends isolated events. It involves contentment, fulfillment, meaning, even a sense of belonging. This is why James 1:2 can tell us to “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” We may not be happy about losing a job, not being able to buy things we want, or having to deal with some dreaded disease, but we can still retain joy in knowing God loves us, has our best interests at heart, and is not surprised by any adversities we may encounter.

Money can buy fleeting happiness, but it can’t buy joy!

Why Are We So Angry?

Recently I interacted with a fellow blogger, Jim, who was commenting on angry Americans. During a trip to Europe with his wife, he noticed people in England and Scandinavian countries they visited seemed far more happy and carefree – even though taxes there are much higher than ours in the United States.

Anger here seems epidemic: TV and radio commentators shout venomous rhetoric. Talk show callers perpetually call for someone’s head, whether elected officials, entertainers, or coaches of their beloved sports teams. So-called “crimes of passion” have reached alarming heights. Road rage is accelerating.

As my blogger friend suggests, anger over taxes is merely symptomatic of a greater, more pervasive problem. What’s that problem?

Allow me to quote from Jim: “I think it comes down to contentment. Our Constitution guarantees life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Pursuing happiness as an ideal almost guarantees that we will never be happy….”

Let me take his thought a step further. We confuse “the pursuit of happiness” with the attainment of happiness, which at best is a moving target. We become “happy” with a job promotion, pay raise, new car, or our team trouncing a hated rival. But happiness quickly fades when circumstances change.

Supposedly, in response to the question, “How much is enough?” one of our nation’s wealthiest industrialists responded, “Just a little bit more.” That’s the problem with pursuing happiness. It’s never enough.

So I agree – we are afflicted with a lack of contentment. The history of our nation has been largely written by discontent – the quest for religious freedom, gender and civil rights, for example. But we also have grown up in a culture of pervasive consumerism and materialism, spawning rampant greed, lust and covetousness.

We need a return to the basics: “godliness with contentment is great gain” (1 Timothy 6:6).