No One Really Wins in Waging the War of Words

Contrary to what some would have us to believe, former President Donald Trump didn’t invent the practice of being snarky, demeaning and disparaging toward people he didn’t like. He’s just decided to take it to unprecedented levels – for a President. We’ve had mean-spirited words, in the seemingly limitless ways they can be delivered, virtually from the dawn of time.

 

There’s the classic exchange years ago between British political rivals Lady Nancy Astor and Sir Winston Churchill. Lady Astor said, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.” To which Churchill replied, “Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.” Sounds like they weren’t especially fond of each other.

When TV news became a round-the-clock enterprise, participants struggled to find content to fill 24 hours and hold viewers’ attention. So they began to resort to harangues that often turned very personal. Today, when we tune in to the news, it’s not unusual to be accosted by shouting fests, as well as other forms of excessive, even bizarre oral behavior.

 

But acid, abusive tongues far predate the British Parliament, cable news, and Mr. Trump. The book of Proverbs, thousands of years old, contains more than 50 warnings about words carelessly and caustically delivered.

 

One of the most practical is Proverbs 10:19, a verse I’ve often used to curb the temptation to give someone a piece of my mind I couldn’t afford to lose. It wisely observes, “When there are many words, transgression is not avoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Another way of expressing this is, the more you speak, the more likely you are to say something you’ll regret. 

 

As if to underscore the point, two other proverbs express similar cautions: “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3), and “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (Proverbs 17:28).

 

We want to offer the excuse, “But if people say mean things to us, aren’t we justified in responding?” Or, “If someone says something stupid, don’t you think it’s appropriate to enlighten them?”

 

From what the Bible calls a “fleshly” perspective, perhaps. But we not only have counsel from Proverbs, but also many places in the New Testament asserting that is not the way to win friends and influence people for Jesus Christ. 

 

Studying Jesus’ life as revealed through the four gospels, we find He typically responded to people with kindness and sensitivity, even those who were confrontational. The only people the Lord spoke to harshly were the religious leaders, supposed servants of God caught up in their own hubris and arrogance.

 

The standard Jesus established is reflected in statements like, “whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other toward him also” (Matthew 5:29), and “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).

 

In a society continuing to drift from its Judeo-Christian moorings, we’re called to serve as “witnesses” for Christ (Acts 1:8), and we do this by being different – through our lives, as well as our words and how we express them. Do we get caught up in the cultural model, firing back when others direct angry and hurtful words to us? Or, as Jesus suggested, do we take the high road?

 

Here’s a sampling of powerful admonitions from the Scriptures:

 

Ephesians 4:29 gives this guidance: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Is our motive to have a positive impact on people we’re speaking to, reflecting the love and grace of God? Or do we just dig into our arsenal, using words as weapons?

 

Writing to his protégé, Timothy, the apostle Paul instructed, “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct…” (2 Timothy 2:23-24). 

 

It’s hard to persuade people whose minds are already set, but a civil, respectful tone can greatly enhance communication, as Proverbs 15:1 affirms: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

 

What about trying to share our faith in Christ to someone that’s resistant? We find sound advice in 1 Peter 3:15, “…always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.”

 

Sometimes our speech provides the greatest evidence of the presence of Jesus in our lives. Are we consistently gracious in how we interact with others? James 3:9-10 makes this ironic point: “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.”

 

No one really wins in a war of words. As someone has said, “One convinced against their will remains of the same opinion still.” Instead, God wants us to follow the wisdom of Colossians 4:5-6, “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” 

I know I’ve failed on this point many times, to my shame. When we interact with non-believers about Christ, do they leave with a good taste in their mouth – “seasoned with salt” – or is it more like vinegar, or worse? We’re to be winsome, not warlike. 

Quiet Amidst the Chaos

Did you catch the phenomenon that occurred a couple of weeks ago?

The winds of politics shift so swiftly it might be old news by the time this post appears, but Dr. Ben Carson, a noted neurosurgeon who has never held public office, had drawn even with Donald Trump in a poll of voters in Iowa, one of the early Presidential election testing grounds.

No, I’m not about to launch into some political diatribe. It’s just that after all the attention Trump has received from the media for his loud and expansive harangues, it’s interesting that Carson – in many ways kind of an “anti-Trump” – has quietly surged in voter appeal.

A writer on one Internet news and commentary site exposited, “Trump is a bombastic narcissist, Carson is quiet and self-effacing.” The columnist also described Carson, in contrast to the controversial Trump, as “polite and well-mannered” and “a gentleman.”

I admire many of Dr. Carson’s views, and his life story – rising from an impoverished childhood to achieve international acclaim in the world of medicine – is inspiring. But after watching some of his videos, which show his calm, soft-spoken, deliberate demeanor, I felt certain his style was too reserved to garner the attention needed for a serious Presidential effort. Maybe I was wrong.

The rule of the day in garnering headlines seems to be “loud and proud, bold and boisterous,” and the louder and more outlandish the presentation is, the better. So it seems curious that the quiet, controlled voice of an eminent physician could even be heard amidst the chaos.

Maybe it’s the “E.F. Hutton effect.” If you’re old enough you'll remember the TV commercials of the late 1970s for the stock brokerage in which groups of busy people would suddenly pause because, as the ads declared, “When E.F. Hutton speaks, people listen.” I’ve known people like that, refraining from saying much in meetings, but when they did speak up, you knew it would be something worth listening to.

Sometimes the din of shouting gets so loud it’s almost impossible to hear what’s being said. At such times, the soft, calculating voice of wisdom has a way of cutting through the clamor.

The Bible teaches as much. One of my favorite verses from Proverbs – which I’ve attempted many times to put into practice – states, “When words are many, sin is not absent; but he who holds his tongue is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).

Several other passages speak directly to the virtues and benefits of judicious and measured speech. For instance, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Another verse, Proverbs 17:27, states, “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”

Then there’s the stern warning from Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Have you ever thought about careful, well-considered words as being a treasure? Proverbs 20:15 declares, “Gold there is, and rubies in abundance, but lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel.” Diamonds from the tongue, maybe?

Dozens of other verses in Proverbs address both effective and careless communication, but one that might be worth considering as we watch the Presidential races ramp up in the coming months offers this advice: “He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend” (Proverbs 22:11).

Fourteen months from now, when all the screaming and shouting, posturing and preening has mercifully come to a conclusion, will the man or woman preparing to assume the Presidency be one whose speech was quiet, yet convincing? It will definitely be interesting to see.