Three R’s for Wrongdoing

Back in 1960, pint-sized songstress Brenda Lee had a hit tune called, “I’m Sorry.” In the lyrics, she was “so sorry,” and asked whoever she was singing to, “please accept my apology.” I’m not sure about Ms. Lee, but experience has taught me that when people say they’re sorry, they don’t always mean what we think they mean. There are, we might say, “three R’s for wrongdoing.”

The first R is regret. Confronted with their wrongs, without a defense for their actions, some people react with regret. This is like the child that stares at the floor and mutters, “Sorry.” Lack of sincerity is pretty obvious. The same goes for adults. They may utilize better body language, but in essence they’re saying, “Sorry I got caught. I should have done a better job of covering my tracks.” Not a lot of genuine sorrow in this “sorry” response.

Cain, Adam and Eve’s first son, took this approach after killing his brother, Abel, in a fit of sibling jealousy. God asked, “Where is your brother, Abel?” Cain shrugged his shoulders and replied, ”I don’t know. Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Genesis 4:1-9). Young people today would put it this way: “Oh, man! Busted!” Cain might have been thinking, “You can’t get away with anything around here!”

The second R is remorse. Not necessarily regretting the actions, but hating the consequences. Still not inclined to admit the seriousness of our wrongdoing, we can feel remorse because we know we’re going to the penalty box. Cain used this kind of response, too. Cursed by God to become a lifelong fugitive, without fruitful results from his labors, the first homicide perpetrator groaned, “My punishment is more than I can bear. Today (God) you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth…” (Genesis 4:13-14).

Nowhere in this account do we see Cain acknowledging the gravity of his crime, or feeling the least bit mournful about taking the life of his sibling. Cain’s only concern was the severe punishment he would have to endure.

Maybe the best biblical example of remorse was Judas, who betrayed Jesus. Matters had escalated beyond what he'd anticipated. The Scriptures tell us, “When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and elders. ‘I have sinned,’ he said, ‘for I have betrayed innocent blood'” (Matthew 27:3-4).

Even then, however, Judas’ “I’m sorry” was self-centered. Realizing returning the money wouldn’t stop the chain of events, the next verses states, he “threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.” Overcome with remorse and unable to cope with the guilt, Judas took his own life to stop the pain.

The final R is repentance. Not only recognizing a wrong that’s been committed, but also being genuinely sorrowful for it. The root of the word, “repent,” means, as one dictionary defines it, “to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life.”

Repentance is the “I’m sorry” God accepts. The apostle Paul expressed it this way: “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done” (2 Corinthians 7:10-11).

This form of “I’m sorry” doesn’t apply just to those who have been living apart from the Lord and need to establish a new relationship with Him – although it’s a necessary first step. Repentance applies to all of us who profess to be Christ followers, regardless of how long that has been.

The apostle John, in recording visions he had received from God, addressed this point with the church at Ephesus. Affirming the believers there, he observed, “I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance….. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.” However, this was classic “good news, bad news.” Because then John wrote, “You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place” (Revelation 2:1-5).

The Ephesians had been doing good, working hard, and persevering in faith. Then came the big “BUT.” They had “lost their first love,” as another translation puts it. Their zeal and dedication had wavered, and they had apparently fallen into spiritual compromise.

We’d be wise to consider this admonition ourselves, because walking consistently and faithfully with the Lord isn’t easy. Even if we did well yesterday, that doesn’t mean we’ll do well today – or tomorrow. As we’re warned in 1 Corinthians 10:12, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!”

Maybe if we endeavor never to lose our first love, the brokenness of repentance might not be needed nearly as often.

The Truly Oldest Profession

Throughout the year we celebrate a variety of holidays: Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Memorial Day, the 4^th of July. But one fails to receive its just due – Mother’s Day.

Sure, we see ads and commercials about buying Mom flowers and candy, jewelry, maybe taking her out to dinner. But for some segments of our society, being a mom apparently isn’t all that cool. As if the calling to nurture children through the various stages of pre-adulthood isn’t enough anymore to prove a woman’s worth. The test of a real woman, we’re being told, is succeeding in the world traditionally dominated by men. If you want to add kids to the equation, that’s OK, too.

Now before I raise feminist hackles, I’m all in favor of women in the workplace pursuing whatever careers they choose. We have several daughters who, along with raising children, are actively engaged in the workplace. My wife spent more than 20 years working outside the home once our kids were in school. My mother had several part-time jobs after my sister and I were in school. But it’s demeaning when a woman is described as “just” a mother. Because in reality, motherhood is truly the oldest profession.

It goes all the way back to Eve – and Adam. Some people believe their narrative is a fable, or allegorical. I happen to believe it’s true. Eve literally became the first person to raise Cain, followed by Abel. Sadly, the account of those boys didn’t end happily, but Eve did have another son, Seth, though not as celebrated as his infamous siblings.

The Scriptures are replete with stories of women who served nobly as mothers. There’s Sarah, Abraham’s wife, who after many childless years rejoiced upon becoming the mom of Isaac. Then there’s Isaac’s wife, Rebekah, who became mother to Jacob, through whom God established the nation of Israel. Many years later, Hannah also was barren until she became mother to Samuel, who went on to be the prophet who identified David to succeed Saul as king of Israel.

Probably most famous is Mary, whom God chose to become the earthly mother of Jesus Christ. Upon realizing her divine calling, Mary responded, “My soul glorifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed…” (Luke 1:46-55). She recognized the honor of becoming a mother, a very special one indeed.

Mary was not only a direct participant in the birth of the One who would become known as the Messiah, but also was there as He died on the cross to atone for the sins of mankind. Who can imagine the myriad thoughts and emotions that she experienced?

The beauty of Mother’s Day is honoring the women who give so sacrificially of themselves to care for the next generation – and often beyond that.

I never cease to admire moms with multiple kids in tow, at the mall or in a restaurant. The other day we saw a young mother with three children – one in a stroller – and a dog as well. Not a father in sight to help out. Sadly, more than 40% of children across our country today are born to single moms. Shame on the dads. Kudos to the courageous moms.

And motherhood doesn’t end when the children leave the nest. In today’s world they often return – I call them boomerang kids, living again with mom and dad until they can afford to live on their own after college or getting started on their careers. And even when the children have their own homes, many moms “graduate” to become grandmothers, serving as free babysitters as needed.

Even the apostle Paul, who obviously never experienced motherhood firsthand, appreciated the importance of that role. Writing to followers of Jesus in Thessalonica, he said, “we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us” (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).

So to all the moms out there, Happy Mother’s Day. Thanks for all you do!

Wanting What We Want – and Mad When We Don’t Get It

This Phillip Martin illustration shows conflict at its
worst - two people determined to get what they want.

My friend Brad, an attorney, specializes in mediation and conflict resolution. Factors that contribute to conflict are complex and diverse, but in many cases he has found a singular, common cause – people don’t get what they want.

Think about it: Marriages descend into turmoil because one or both spouses insist on getting their own way and become furious when they don’t. Close friends part because expectations aren’t met. They risk destroying loving and long-term relationships because they don’t get what they want.

Churches split because quarreling factions arise, one side set on a certain course and another side insisting on a different way. Professional athletes angrily accuse owners or management of “disrespecting” them because their demands aren’t met. In both scenarios the complaint is much the same: “We’re not getting what we want.”

When we think “conflict,” many of us turn our thoughts almost immediately to Washington, D.C., where Democrats and Republicans choose to take positions of arrogance and stubbornness over compromise and mutual understanding. Leaders of both parties engage in bitter conflict – to the detriment of the American people – all because of the belief they’re not getting what they want.

Of course this is nothing new. Throughout the history of mankind, conflicts of all magnitudes have spawned battles and wars because people didn’t get what they wanted. Look at any major war and you’ll find an element of this to some degree.

Fame and fortune offer no antidotes for conflict. Celebrated comic duos like Abbott and Costello, Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, all experienced intense conflicts, even if not as highly publicized as such clashes are in today’s media. The same has been the case through the years with many of the great musical groups, including the Beatles, and Simon and Garfunkel. So-called “perfect Hollywood couples” announce separations due to “irreconcilable differences.” Translation: “We’re not getting what we want.”

We even find this reality represented over and over in the Bible, which doesn’t sugarcoat such strife. “I want what I want” conflicts started with Cain and Abel. They continued with Abraham and his nephew, Lot; Joseph and his jealous brothers; Samson and Delilah; David and Saul; Barnabas and Paul. And let’s not forget the classic example: Judas Iscariot.

James 4:1-2 tells us, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.”

So what’s the solution? Like conflicts themselves, resolving them usually isn’t easy or simple. But the passage above points out an important principle. When we don’t get what we want, we should appeal to God for it rather than trying to get it through our own feeble and faulty efforts.

And if He says no, if our prayers aren’t answered – at least not in the way we want – we should be willing to accept that He knows us better than we know ourselves, and that His plans are better than ours.

After all, as 1 Timothy 6:6 states, “godliness with contentment is great gain.” This might seem unrealistic in our “it’s all about me” culture, which seems to dismiss contentment as foolish, impractical, even weak. But it’s God’s way; and His way is always better.

A Whole Lotta Lyin’ Goin’ On

Is it just my imagination, or does it seem people are lying more these days?

Take last week, for example. Lance Armstrong – after years of adamant denials – finally confessed he used blood doping and other performance-enhancing aids throughout his seven victorious Tour de France competitions. Then we learned Manti Te’o, the Notre Dame linebacker who was runner-up for the Heisman Trophy, had been “in love” for years with a fictitious girlfriend that supposedly died last fall. (Hint: You can’t die if you’ve never been born.)

What is it with all this lying?

Lying, distorting, shading or twisting the truth, or as people in government like to call it, passing along “disinformation,” is hardly new. We find the first recorded cases in Genesis, the Bible’s first book. After Adam and Eve defied God and succumbed to Satan’s temptation by eating fruit from the forbidden tree, they initially hid out of shame.

Could it be that Grumpy of the
Seven Dwarfs was that way because
he was often caught lying?

When God asked about their sin, they responded by saying something like, “Huh? You talking to us?” (Who else would He have been talking to then?) Finally they admitted what they had done wrong, but even then shifted blame. Adam essentially blamed God Himself: “The woman you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it” (Genesis 3:12). Then Eve gave her alibi: “The serpent deceived me, and I ate” (Genesis 3:13).

Proving the adage that apples don’t fall far from the tree, after their son Cain murdered his brother Abel in a jealous rage, he perpetuated the family’s lying tradition. Confronted by God about what had happened to Abel, Cain’s first response was, “I don’t know…. Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Genesis 4:9).

Stories about lies and deception carry through the Old and New testaments: Abraham, Sarah, King Saul, Joseph, Joseph, Isaac, Judas, Barnabas and Peter all are members of the biblical liars’ fraternity.

But such behavior is hardly old-fashioned. And it’s pervasive at all levels of society. We’ve heard lies repeatedly from the White House. In recent memory, Richard Nixon’s insistence, “I am not a crook” (of course, he was) and Bill Clinton’s cagey characterization of his illicit relationship with Monica Lewinsky quickly come to mind.

Lying isn’t comfined just to the sports world and politics, of course. We see it almost every day in the business world, in entertainment, and sadly, even in our churches and religious institutions. Does that mean it’s now OK to lie, that we should “tolerate” liars and deceivers?

Certainly not. There are many reasons why truth trumps falsehood, but let me give you three:

1)     The truth is easier. When you stick to the truth, all you have to do is remember and report what’s real. When you lie, you have to constantly remind yourself of the lies you’ve told – because it’s easy to forget stories you made up the last time.

2)     Integrity, once lost, is hard to regain. It takes a lifetime to build a reputation as a person of integrity, but it can be destroyed in one lapse of dishonesty or deception. “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity” (Proverbs 11:3).

3)     Consequences are unavoidable. When we lie, we might avoid discovery for a time, but eventually untruths will surface. “But if you fail to keep your word, then you will have sinned against the Lord, and you may be sure that your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23).

So instead of going along with the crowd, revering truth and honesty make sense. Sometimes it’s a good thing to not be “in style.”