This Phillip Martin illustration shows conflict at its worst - two people determined to get what they want. |
My friend Brad, an
attorney, specializes in mediation and conflict resolution. Factors that contribute
to conflict are complex and diverse, but in many cases he has found a singular,
common cause – people don’t get what they want.
Think about it: Marriages descend into turmoil because one
or both spouses insist on getting their own way and become furious when they
don’t. Close friends part because expectations aren’t met. They risk destroying loving and long-term relationships because they don’t get what
they want.
Churches split because quarreling factions arise, one side set
on a certain course and another side insisting on a different way. Professional
athletes angrily accuse owners or management of “disrespecting” them because
their demands aren’t met. In both scenarios the complaint is much the same: “We’re
not getting what we want.”
When we think “conflict,” many of us turn our thoughts
almost immediately to Washington, D.C., where Democrats and Republicans choose to
take positions of arrogance and stubbornness over compromise and mutual understanding.
Leaders of both parties engage in bitter conflict – to the detriment of the
American people – all because of the belief they’re not getting what they want.
Of course this is nothing new. Throughout the history of
mankind, conflicts of all magnitudes have spawned battles and wars because
people didn’t get what they wanted. Look at any major war and you’ll find an
element of this to some degree.
Fame and fortune offer no antidotes for conflict. Celebrated
comic duos like Abbott and Costello, Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, Lucille Ball
and Desi Arnaz, all experienced intense conflicts, even if not as highly
publicized as such clashes are in today’s media. The same has been the case
through the years with many of the great musical groups, including the Beatles,
and Simon and Garfunkel. So-called “perfect Hollywood couples” announce
separations due to “irreconcilable differences.” Translation: “We’re not
getting what we want.”
We even find this reality represented over and over in the
Bible, which doesn’t sugarcoat such strife. “I want what I want” conflicts
started with Cain and Abel. They continued with Abraham and his nephew, Lot; Joseph
and his jealous brothers; Samson and Delilah; David and Saul; Barnabas and
Paul. And let’s not forget the classic example: Judas Iscariot.
James 4:1-2 tells us,
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires
that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and
covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not
have, because you do not ask God.”
So what’s the solution? Like conflicts themselves, resolving
them usually isn’t easy or simple. But the passage above points out an
important principle. When we don’t get what we want, we should appeal to God
for it rather than trying to get it through our own feeble and faulty efforts.
And if He says no, if our prayers aren’t answered – at least
not in the way we want – we should be willing to accept that He knows us better
than we know ourselves, and that His plans are better than ours.
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