Four H’s for Forming Strong Relationships

Growing up as a suburban kid, I heard about something called 4-H Clubs. All I knew was it had something to do with young people raising farm animals and competing at state fairs. Later I learned the 4 H’s stand for Head, Heart, Hands, and Health, things that should concern all of us. But recently I read about a head coach in the NFL who has a different kind of “4H club.”

 

Kevin Stefanski, who guided the Cleveland Browns to its best season in decades, builds teamwork and camaraderie using the four H’s of history, heartbreak, heroes, and hopes. Judging from the fact his team posted a winning record and reached the playoffs – a feat last achieved long before some current fans were even born – Stefanski’s approach must be working.

 

Drawing from experience in mentoring and discipling men, I can see how this can be very effective. In fact, these H’s could be utilized in many ways for building relationships and fostering better understanding among friends, work associates, church members, even people from different ethnicities and social backgrounds. Consider:

 

History is not only a personal chronology, but also can reveal important information about our backgrounds and life experiences. Each of us has known heartbreak in our lives; some of it we sweep under the rug or put in the rearview mirror as we move on, but other painful experiences linger and need to be addressed. Some heroes are just individuals we admire, but others inspire us, helping to provide vision and goals for our own lives. And without hope, any of us can easily fall victim to discouragement and despair.

 

One of our problems in society, I’m convinced, is we really don’t know each other. Relationships are superficial at best, fulfilling a certain function but little more than that. What difference could it make with your coworkers, neighbors, fellow church members, folks in your small group, or the person you meet with occasionally for coffee, if you started learning about his or her history, heartbreak, heroes, and hopes?

 

Within the Christian tradition, the personal testimony can address these areas. We can describe our lives before and after giving ourselves to Jesus Christ; pain we’ve endured and how faith has helped to bring healing; persons we’ve regarded as heroes, models helping to point the way in our faith journey; and the hopes and dreams we have for our future, especially as we follow Jesus.

 

Several times in the book of Acts, the apostle Paul provided examples of how to do this, explaining his miraculous transformation from zealous persecutor of Christ’s followers into one of the Lord’s most ardent advocates. He told about encountering Jesus on the road to Damascus, temporarily blinded by a brilliant light so he could finally see the truth. 

 

He reflected on his life before Christ, how he participated in the imprisonments and beatings of many believers, including Stephen, one of the first Christian martyrs. Speaking to Roman officials Felix, Festus and Agrippa, Paul recounted key events in his life, including numerous tribulations and his firsthand experience of what it’s like to be persecuted for his beliefs. They could hear about the difference Jesus had made in his life, turning a one-time enemy of “The Way” into an itinerant missionary who declared, “For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified” (1 Corinthians 2:2).

 

On one particular occasion, the apostle spoke of the calling God had made on his life, underscoring his passion for introducing others to Jesus. When King Agrippa said, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”, Paul replied, “Short time or long – I pray that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains” (Acts. 26:28-29).

 

A friend of mine would frequently ask people he was meeting with, “What’s your story?” Because we all have a story. And if we’re seeking to follow Christ, it’s actually God’s story in us. What if someone were to ask you, “What’s your story?” How would you respond? What history would you recount? What are the heartbreaks you might share? Who are your heroes – and why? And what hopes do you have?

 

The risk of sharing such personal aspects of our lives is just that: getting personal, willing to become vulnerable to others. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-26 we see a wonderful metaphor of the physical body and the body of Christ, the Church:

“The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts, and though all its parts are many, they form one body…. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”

 

Too often we remain aloof from one another, keeping each other at an arm’s length. But by using the four H’s of history, heartbreak, heroes and hopes, we can tear down unnecessary barriers and draw closer to one another as fellow members of Jesus Christ’s “team.” As it says in Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

 

Someone might ask, “When should we start?” How about right now? 

A ‘City Slickers’ Look at One Thing

In the 1991 film “City Slickers,” there’s an exchange between the resident cowboy, Curly (Jack Palance), and vacationing urban greenhorn Mitch (Billy Crystal). Curly asks Mitch, “Do you know what the secret to life is?” Then he holds up one finger, looks at it, and says, “This.” Mitch responds, “Your finger?” Curly shakes his head, then replies, “One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don’t mean (anything).”

Giving Curly his full attention, Mitch asks, “That’s great, but what is the ‘one thing’?” Then Curly smiles and answers, “That’s what you have to find out.”

That little interaction alone is worth the price of renting the video. In these days of short attention spans, ADHD lifestyles, copious communications, and distractions by the dozens, the ability to concentrate on one thing is becoming a lost art.

We eat meals, watch TV, and monitor social media on our smartphones or tablets all at the same time. Even going out to a restaurant for dinner, we mumble at our eating partners while texting friends, checking the weather or ball scores, or watching the TV over our shoulders. The “secret to life,” it would seem, is trying to accomplish as many things as possible all at the same time, not just one thing. Multi-tasking is regarded a consummate virtue.

But I think Curly was right. If we can figure out what that one thing is, we’ll have figured out the secret to life and can stick to it. It can guide us in everything we do. In high school, for example, some athletes succeed in multiple sports, but for most of them to excel at the collegiate level – even more as professionals – they need to determine that “one thing,” the sport in which they perform best, even dominate the opposition.

Lebron James could have starred in college football as a wide receiver or tight end. However, he chose to focus on basketball and as a result, has become one of the NBA’s all-time greats. The sister-brother duo of Karen and Richard Carpenter recorded multiple vocal hits from 1969 until her death in 1983. Karen was a talented drummer, but it was her flawless voice that propelled the Carpenters to music stardom. Her distinctive melodies still captivate listeners today.

Of course, Curly of “City Slickers” was speaking in a broader sense than just vocation or talent. Because people can excel in specific areas of life and still remain clueless about “the secret to life.” If someone were to ask you about the one thing that can reveal that secret, how would you respond? Success? Wealth? Family? Love? Health?

The apostle Paul, writing to believers in the ancient church in Corinth, was bold and unwavering in declaring what he’d determined was that one thing, the secret to life. “For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified” (1 Corinthians 2:2).

Paul was explaining he saw no point in aimless dialogue, getting entangled in disputes over petty differences. Instead, he resolved to concentrate on Christ, acknowledging, “I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God” (2 Corinthians 2:3-5).

Speaking in Athens, an ancient city defined by polytheistic idol worship, Paul asserted Jesus Christ was more than a focal point for his faith; Christ was the foundation for the person he had become: “For in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28).

Had Paul been questioned by Curly of “City Slickers,” undoubtedly he would have identified Jesus Christ as the singular secret to life. Jesus Himself declared, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

Perhaps that’s the most profound question we each must answer: What is that one thing, the secret to life? And if we conclude the answer’s not Jesus, then what is it?