One evening years ago, my children and I were playing some games in our den when the phone rang. I answered it and on the other end of the line was a man sobbing and saying repeatedly, “I need a friend.”
It was a man I’ll call Frederick, whom I’d met with in a discipling relationship some years before. He wouldn’t explain over the phone why he was so distraught, but we agreed to meet the next day. As we met, Fred poured out his heart, confessing that for years he had concealed being what he termed a “sex addict.” I’ll spare the details.
During the time we’d been meeting once a week, I neither knew nor suspected any of this. However, I had recognized and commented about how his job, which regularly took him out of town for weeks at a time, could be problematic for the health of his marriage.
Fred’s wife, he confided, had discovered his wrongdoings. His marriage was in shambles, and he’d become alienated from his children. I was the first person he’d told about his sinful lifestyle. “Why didn’t you ever say anything about this?” I asked. Fred responded he’d been too ashamed, preferring to put on a front as if everything in his life was fine.
I knew I couldn’t solve his plight. I did encourage him to turn to God in repentance, seeking His forgiveness, grace and mercy. But as Fred talked, he showed relief in having his secrets finally brought into the open. Until then, the only ones that knew the truth were himself, Satan, and God. And the tempter bombarded him with thoughts about how vile he was, as well as how despised he’d be if anyone were to find out about his hidden life.
I didn’t condone or excuse Fred’s behavior but didn’t judge him either. That wasn’t my job; God alone is our righteous Judge. I did offer suggestions for how he might move forward, but it’s been a long time since then and I’ve lost touch with him. I hope God enabled him to get his life back on track.
Thinking back on that time, I’ve wondered whether things could have turned out differently if Fred had decided to confide his “addiction” to someone much sooner. As long as they’re concealed, hidden sins can hold us captive, unable to resist their impulses. Confessing them – with an attitude of genuine repentance – is crucial. It can release us from their insidious grasp.
But this raises a question: To whom do we confess? Some Christian traditions encourage the confession of sins to clergy. This may be useful, but it’s not necessary to wait until we can meet with a pastor or priest to confess whatever our sins might be. As we read in 1 Timothy 2:5, “For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.”
What this means is we don’t need a human “middleman” to intervene between us and God. There’s but one mediator, Jesus Christ, who as the next verse states, “gave Himself as a ransom for all men – the testimony given in its proper time.” As another verse assures us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
When we sin, we can go directly to the Lord in repentance and receive His forgiveness, restoring us into a right relationship with Him. However, there are times when confiding in another human can be helpful, even essential. This was the case with Fred. I’m reminded of the frightened child who had called out to his mother. She urged him to take his fears to God in prayer, to which he responded, “I need someone with skin on.”
The Scriptures give us ‘permission’ to do this: “Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. A prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).
We’re all sinners, daily in need of God’s forgiveness and cleansing. When Jesus died on the cross, He paid the price for our sins once and for all: Tetelestai – “paid in full.” However, even as forgiven believers, unconfessed sins can erect a barrier between us and the Lord, disrupting the perfect relationship with Him that He desires. This barrier is taken down through genuine confession and repentance.
Our purpose in confessing sins to one another isn’t to embarrass ourselves. Nor is it to seek absolution from one another. It’s to establish accountability with another trusted follower of Christ, one who not only can offer counsel but also will provide prayer support, calling on God to enable us through His power to overcome temptation and live in a way that pleases Him.
Moving sins from darkness and into the light through confession – even to one another – can enable us to experience the truth of Galatians 5:1, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
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