What Does It Mean to ‘Accept”?

Language has a curious way of morphing from one meaning into another that’s very different. For example, “accept,” as in, “We must learn to accept people as they are.”

In fact, I read a quote from a famous person whom I don’t need to identify. But here’s what he said: “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”

Much of what this person said makes sense. Love isn’t perfect caring; sometimes it’s a struggle – which is probably why many people “fall out of love.” They don’t like the struggle part. They want it easy, without strain, happy-happy-happy all the day.

The part I disagree with, at least as I understand what this famous person said, is “accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” I suppose it depends on how we define “accept.” Does that mean to approve and condone, even applaud the other individual’s behavior? In that case, sorry, I can’t agree.

However, if it means to recognize where someone is at a particular moment in life, but understanding – without judgment or condemnation – that isn’t a good place to be or where they should remain, then I’m fine with “accepting” them.

Let me explain. Over more than 30 years of mentoring men, I've had a handful of them tell me things in confidence they wouldn’t want anyone else to know, including their wives. As I listened, I accepted them – didn't condemn them or pass judgment – but at the same time, I definitely didn't respond, "Way to go – you da man!"

We talked and then, as their mentor, I offered ideas and advice they could choose to consider or reject. That was totally their option, and even if they rejected the corrective steps I recommended, I didn’t hold them in contempt. I accepted them as they are, fellow sinners (“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” – Romans 3:23), but didn’t offer approval or affirmation.

Consider another example: This has never happened to me, but suppose someone were to come and admit he had an unnatural attraction to children, giving adamant assurances he had never acted on it. What would you do?

Again, we could “accept” the person in the sense of recognizing he was dealing with a very serious problem. It wouldn't be necessary to condemn or judge, but I'd certainly encourage him to seek out professional help. And follow up to ensure that he did.

The same applies to persons wrestling with some form of addiction. We can still love and accept them, recognizing as the Bible also teaches, “There is no one righteous, not even one” (Romans 3:10). But wouldn’t it be good to guide them to sources of help for overcoming their life-controlling problem, rather than being understanding and simply saying, “I accept you”?

To me, the very best example was the way Jesus responded after a woman had been caught in an act of adultery. Religious leaders had condemned her actions and were about to stone her, until Jesus intervened. The story is recounted in John 8:1-11.

First, Jesus put the situation into perspective, challenging the accusers, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). At that moment He was writing something on the ground with His finger. No one knows what He wrote – perhaps Jesus was itemizing individual sins these men had committed. Toppled from their self-righteous pedestals, one by one the men hurling accusations slipped away.

Once they had departed, Jesus turned back to the woman and gave acceptance. He asked, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” (John 8:10) When she replied, “No one, sir,” Jesus responded, “Then neither do I condemn you,” and then added, “Go now and leave your life of sin” or as another translation states it, "go and sin no more" (John 8:10-11).

This I believe is what godly, biblical acceptance is all about. Jesus accepted this woman, interceding to protect her from the religious leaders and their ad hoc justice. However, at the same time He didn't condone or applaud her behavior. He didn’t excuse or try to justify what she had done, which was clearly against God’s law. He didn’t shrug His shoulders and say, “Well, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.” Jesus simply told her not to do it any longer.

In keeping with the motto, “What would Jesus do?” that’s our model for what we should do upon finding someone doing something wrong or harmful, whether in behavior or lifestyle. We don’t have to judge. In fact, we shouldn’t – that’s God’s job. But neither does “acceptance” call for us to condone or approve it.

As someone has said, “God loves us just the way we are – but He loves us too much to leave us that way.” That’s why we’re offered the opportunity to become “a new creation in Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:17). We might not be able to escape our old ways in our own strength. We might not even want to do so. But through God’s strength, we can.

Then we can “test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2). I can accept that.

Don’t Judge – But Don’t Condone, Either

The statement caught my eye. It’s been expressed many times, but merits reviewing again: “Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you.” Ponder that for a moment.

There’s much wisdom in that statement. Because, the Bible asserts, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). As a wise theologian noted, “When the Bible says ‘all,’ it means…ALL.” It also says, in even stronger language, “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one” (Romans 3:10-12).

Wow! That sounds all-inclusive. No exceptions. So who are we to judge the sins of others?

The Bible states judging isn't 
our job. God doesn't need help. 

It’s easy to feel judgmental about the bad behavior of others if we can’t identify with their practices. For example, if you’ve never wrestled with a weight problem, it’s easy to “judge” someone who’s obese. But anyone that’s had a tendency to overindulge in alcohol can feel sympathetic toward someone with a drinking problem. Does this make the overweight person a worse sinner than the drunk? Certainly not. They both, as the passage above states, have fallen short of God’s glory, His perfect standard. As we all have, each in our own ways.

Years ago a friend called whom I hadn’t talked with in several years. He was distraught and needed someone to talk with. We met soon afterward, and he confided to being a self-described “sex addict.” His job required him to travel extensively, and he'd been diligent to feed his addiction wherever he went. Remorse came after his sins "found him out." 

Admittedly I was surprised. I’d known this fellow for years and never suspected he had this kind of problem. But I didn’t respond with words of condemnation. Nor did I wave a cross in his face, telling him what a terrible person he was. Neither did I pat him on the shoulder and say, “Hey, man, no problem. It’s all good. Nobody’s perfect.”

Jesus made it clear: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). At the same time, He didn’t instruct us to condone, endorse, or even ignore the sins of others when they become evident.

We find a classic example in the gospel of John, when Jesus is confronted by religious leaders prepared to stone a woman caught in adultery. After listening to those “teachers of the law and Pharisees” describe the circumstances, He tells them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Perhaps shamed in being forced to confront their own guilt, one by one the men walk away, leaving behind their “weapons” as they go.

There it is – don’t judge the sins of others. Jesus was making that clear. However, sometimes we forget what happened next.

After the men have departed, Jesus and the woman are standing there alone. He asks her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She responds, "No one, sir." Jesus then replies, "Then neither do I condemn you," but doesn’t stop there. He concludes by telling her, "Go now and leave your life of sin." Or as other translations say, "Go and sin no more" (John 8:3-11).

So we're not to judge others – because we all sin in different ways and are equally reprehensible before a holy God. And yet, we’re never instructed to condone or endorse wrongful actions, even though the prevailing culture of our times seems to insist we must.

While He did not condemn the woman clearly caught in sin – Jesus knew the law – the Lord did not excuse her. He didn’t say, "Hey, girl, it's okay. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do." No, He simply told her, “Go and sin no more.”

That, to me, is the biblical model of how to react to the sins of others. We’re not to judge – that’s God’s job, and He doesn’t need our help. But contrary to what “tolerant” society advocates, we’re not instructed to blindly accept, justify or applaud the sins of others, whatever those might be.

In love, with grace and understanding, we’re to offer support and encouragement for broken people trying to deal with and overcome their sins, recognizing our own brokenness and knowing we also have fallen far short from God’s perfect and divine standard.

And we’re to apply the words of Jesus to ourselves. He’s telling us as well to “go and sin no more.” In our own ability, this often seems difficult – maybe even impossible. That’s why it’s important to remember, echoing the words of the apostle Paul, “I can do everything through him (Jesus) who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). We can’t – but He can.