Conquering the Conundrum of Discontentment

Have you ever been invited into a friend’s home for the first time and marveled with envy at their house and its design? Or gotten out of your 10-year-old car just as your neighbor drove up with a new SUV and you thought, ‘Wow, I’d like to have a car like that’? Maybe you’ve felt jealous of someone who had a better job than you – or a better income?

 

To be honest, there have been times when feelings like that have crossed my mind. I suspect this is one of the reasons “you shall not covet” (Exodus 20:17) is included among the Ten Commandments. In our materialistic world, we’ll always find someone having something we’d like to have ourselves. It might be the pool in their backyard, the photo-perfect vacations they take each year, their wardrobe, or their seemingly ideal marriage. We can become preoccupied with thoughts of, ‘I wish…. I want…. If only….’

 

On top of that, we’re bombarded daily with TV, radio and movie ads, billboards and other messages designed to develop in us a sense of discontentment. The ads might not say it in so many words, but subtly they’re telling us, “Your life isn’t complete unless you buy this.” Or, “This is what you can’t do without.” It gets to the point where it’s hard to distinguish between our genuine needs – and our wants.

 

Of course, these impulses aren’t new. That’s why God commanded all of us not to covet “your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” I don’t know anyone who’s confessed to coveting his neighbor’s ox or donkey, but that’s beside the point.

 

We might say the antithesis of coveting is contentment, being satisfied with whatever we have and wherever we are at the moment. Writing to his protégé, Timothy, the apostle Paul offered this perspective: “…godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that” (1 Timothy 6:6-8).

 

I remember an old friend I hadn’t seen in a long while. When I asked how he and his family were doing, he responded, “Well, we have a lot of wants, but don’t have any needs.” How many of us can say that and mean it? And yet, the Scriptures exhort us over and over to strive for contentment.

 

After thanking Christ followers in ancient Philippi for their support of his mission work, Paul added, “I am not saying this out of need, for I have learned to be content regardless of my circumstances. I know how to live humbly, and I know how to abound. In any and every situation I have learned the secret of being filled and being hungry, of having plenty and having need. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:11-13). That is the key – through Christ.

 

While we might feel envious or jealous of other people’s life circumstances, most often our “coveting” is directly to money or things money can buy. The unidentified writer of Hebrews pointed this out: “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, for God has said: ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you’” (Hebrews 13:5). In essence, coveting what someone else has is like saying to the Lord, “You haven’t given me enough!”

 

King Solomon, whose vast wealth was coveted by leaders of other nations, ironically concluded from his own experience that discontentment – never being satisfied with what one already has – leads to vain pursuits: “He who loves money is never satisfied by money, and he who loves wealth is never satisfied by income. This too is futile” (Ecclesiastes 5:10).

 

One of Jesus’ favorite topics during His earthly ministry was money and material possessions – but not seeking to accumulate them. Instead, He admonished us to concentrate on things that won’t become damaged or lost. “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal” (Matthew 6:19-20).

 

Jesus made this declaration during His so-called “Sermon on the Mount,” but had more to say on the subject: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?... But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:25,33).

 

These truths are important for us to hold onto, especially with Christmas fast approaching. As if we needed a reminder of this, stores are already displaying Christmas trees and other holiday finery, even though Halloween and Thanksgiving haven’t yet arrived. In the retail world Christmas, what we could call our annual “season of discontent,” can determine the difference between a profitable year and one that finishes in the red.

 

Discontentment is a universal problem, but it’s especially concerning for followers of Christ. As Paul said, “godliness with contentment is great gain” – and a powerful witness to the unbelieving world that’s always grasping for more. In the words of the old hymn, as we “turn our eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face…the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”

The Malicious Myth of the Greener Grass

Have you ever been mowing your yard, glanced over at your neighbors’ lawn, and thought, ‘Why’s their grass so much greener than mine?’ Then a few days later you walk over for a brief visit and notice that up close, their lawn doesn’t look any better than yours? It has weeds and bare patches, too.

 

This tendency to compare what we have with what we don’t isn’t limited to front yard greenery. A friend or coworker might drive up in a new car and suddenly you feel a pang of envy. Your six-year-old sedan or SUV, which has been running perfectly well, doesn’t seem as nice as it did just minutes before. Even if you’ve paid off your car loan while they now have a huge monthly car payment.

 

You go to church as see that picture-perfect couple again. They always look adoringly at each other, their kids are well-mannered, and they just seem to have it all together. By comparison, you feel that with your marriage and family, if you ever had it together you must have forgotten where you put it.

 

Some folks always seem to have it better off than we do. Maybe it’s a more exciting job, or a nicer house, a more prestigious education, or more extravagant vacations. The list could go on. ‘Why them, and not me?’ we might be tempted to ask.

 

This could be why the very last of the commandments God wrote on the stone tablets He entrusted to Moses to pass along to the Israelites – the Big 10 – was a prohibition against coveting: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor” (Exodus 20:17).

 

Even if we don’t have manservants, maidservants, oxen or donkeys, that doesn’t keep us from casting an envious eye at other things that someone we know has. ‘Greener grass’ seems everywhere we look.

 

Interestingly, this tendency isn’t limited to the human species. Years ago, I teamed with my friend, Ken Johnson, to co-author a book, Pursuing Life with a Shepherd’s Heart, about experiences he and his family had in raising a small flock of sheep on their little farm outside of Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minn. The focus of the book was to show how much sheep are like people – and vice versa.

Among the insightful illustrations Ken presented was what we could have called “The Case of the Greener Grass.” One summer the region where Ken lived was enduring a severe drought. His sheep had consumed nearly all of the grass in their pasture areas, so he and his family decided to build a temporary fence and let the sheep graze on the spacious yard beside his house.

 

After laboring all morning to make certain the new fence was sturdy and secure, Ken and his family went inside for lunch. Minutes later he looked out a window and saw all of the sheep lined up along the fence, their heads poking through it and straining for the ‘greener grass’ on the other side.

 

The grass just beyond their reach wasn’t any different from the grass they were standing on. To make matters worse, they were ruining the grass beneath their cloven hooves.

 

It seems one of the manifestations of what the Bible terms our “sinful nature” (Romans 7:25, Colossians 2:11) is our propensity to compare and covet what other people possess. Often to the detriment of ourselves and others.

 

Family counselor J. Allan Petersen termed this The Myth of the Greener Grass in his 1984 book, writing specifically about extramarital affairs – people ruining their marriages by the attraction of someone that seems more alluring and exciting. It’s a malicious myth, for sure.

 

Concerning this, in the midst of his sufferings and responding to his friends’ not-so-helpful advice, Job declared, “I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman” (Job 31:1). Refusing to look and compare can prevent a lot of unnecessary pain.

 

What’s the best safeguard against being seduced by the myth of the greener grass, whatever the context might be? I can’t think of anything more fitting than the counsel of 1 John 2:15-16, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.”

 

This is excellent counsel. The alternative is to be like the sheep, trampling the healthy ‘grass’ right where we are – our marriages, families, careers, our very lives – in the pursuit of the ‘greener grass’ that’s beyond our reach.

The Genius of the Ten Commandments

Sometimes the best advice, the wisest counsel we can receive is what we have already been given. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” has always been one of my favorites. “Look before you leap” is another all-time goodie. And I’ve grown to appreciate the adage, “If you can’t be happy where you are, you certainly can’t be happy where you’re not.” But over the years I’ve become convinced the best advice by far can be found in that good old book called the Bible.

 

Occasionally I’ll hear someone make a comment like, “The Bible is an outdated, irrelevant religious book.” Or they might call it, “just a collection of stories and fables.” At those times, it’s all I can do to keep from bursting into hysterical laughter. Because I’ve learned – via much experience, trial and error on my part – that if there ever was anything written with timeless significance, importance, usefulness, and truth, it’s the Bible.

 

I could cite countless examples, but there’s no need to go any further than the Ten Commandments, found in Exodus 20:1-17, and (just in case we missed it) repeated in Deuteronomy 5:1-21. Ten simple mandates which, if adhered to, could resolve and remedy much of what ails our once proud land – and our personal lives.

 

Going through each one would require far more words than allotted for this post, but let’s briefly consider some of the commandments Moses carried down from Mount Sinai. 

 

The first three, “…You shall have no other gods before me,” “you shall not make any graven images…and worship them,” and “you shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain…” (Exodus 20:2-6), can be summarized by six simple words: “I am God – and you’re not.” It was author Anne Lamott who wrote, “One of the biggest differences between you and God is that He never thinks He is you.”

 

Commandment No. 4 deals with that pesky thing called the Sabbath. “How dare God tell me how to use my Sunday?!” some protest. Or, if you’re Jewish or a Seventh-Day Adventist, that would be Saturday. But Jesus clarified that when He declared, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27). This, in fact, is one of the most practical commandments. Everything needs rest – animals, fields, and human beings. In effect, God is telling us, “I’m giving you this command to rest, because you need it.”

 

The commandments about murder, adultery, stealing and lying seem self-explanatory, but every day we see reports and read stories about people flagrantly violating each. Perhaps more than ever before. This is one reason it would be a good reason to boldly and ostentatiously display the Ten Commandments publicly again. Since easily we forget so easily.

In past posts I’ve written in regard to the commandment that instructs us to honor our fathers and mothers, which also seems to have gone out of fashion with our “woke” and “progressive” society. But what about the 10^th commandment, the one that says we shouldn’t covet – or envy, or be jealous of – other people’s stuff.

 

This seems to be one of the foundational principles behind the growing popularity of socialism: Folks want more, and they want others to have less. We want what others have got, even if they worked hard and long to earn it – and we have been disinclined to do the same. We want the rewards without the sweat equity required.

 

As a result, there’s misery all around. We have people agonizing because they don’t have what others have – wealth, nice houses, expensive cars, the latest and greatest gizmos and gimmicks. And we’ve got the people who have those things, desperately afraid of losing what they’ve acquired.

 

When I read the Ten Commandments, whether it’s No. 1 or No. 10, it’s like God telling me, “If you want to be truly happy, experiencing a meaningful, fulfilling life, do what I say. And don’t do what I tell you not to do.” It’s simple, really. But then, why choose simple when we can make things difficult, right?

Pitfalls of Comparing ‘Highlight Reels’

Have you ever looked at another family, comparing them with your own, and thought, ”Why can’t we be like them?” Perhaps there’s a couple you don’t know well, but observing them, they seem so perfect. “Why can’t my (husband/wife) and I be like them?” Or maybe you’ve been inspired by a guest speaker at your church or a Bible conference and you thought, “That person has it so together. What I wouldn’t give to be like (him/her).”

We’ve probably all done this at one time or another. I know I have. The problem is, what we’re doing is contrasting our lives with what I heard one person call the “highlight reels” of other people’s lives. 

You know what a highlight reel is, don’t you? It’s the “best plays of the day” that ESPN at the end of every sports day. It’s the video package a football or basketball prospect puts together to catch the eye of coaches – outstanding runs, catches or tackles, or three-pointers and slam dunks. Judging from those little video snippets, how can one help but be impressed? 

It's similar to that in real life. Except not on reels. We see folks up close and marvel at how ideal they seem. “There are no perfect people,” we reason, “but they sure look pretty darn close.”

Therein lies the problem – or pitfall. Sports highlight reels don’t include the fumbles, dropped passes or missed tackles, the bad shots or fouls. They show only the good plays. That’s usually the case when we’re in public. As my friend Jimmy Lee says, we put on our “Sunday smiles.”

How did I learn to distrust other people’s “highlight reels”? I had the opportunity to see people behind the scenes, when they let their guard down, when they thought no one was watching, or I caught a glimpse of how they acted when the spotlight was turned off.

Those families who seem to in sync, who appear to be oozing with love for each other without a trace of conflict? In real life – rather than reel life – they experience strife just like anyone else. They might present their best at church and other public settings, but they’re just as riddled by sibling rivalry as the rest of us. As the saying goes, they put their pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else.

I recall during my years in parachurch ministry that I would watch couples seemingly in lockstep, totally in one accord as they ministered to others together. Then I would learn that some of them were in counseling, that they were wrestling with demons from their past, or bickering just like any other married couple. Even “perfect people” have flaws.

And those individual who seemed so smart and friendly from the podium? The ones you think, “Wow! If only he were my pastor and I could hear him speak every week”? Or, “She’s so warm, so compassionate. Wouldn't it be something to have her as a friend – or even a mentor”? Over the years I learned that some of them are lightbulbs. They shine when they’re on stage, with all the attention riveted on them. But in private, when the switch is turned off, they’re really introverts. Not nearly as sparkly and engaging as when they’re speaking.

Truly, appearances can deceive. But this isn’t to condemn these folks. It’s just that they’re not super heroes. They’re just like us, people with real joys and real sorrows, facing the same types of struggles and challenges we all do.

Perhaps this is one reason God included “you shall not covet” (Exodus 20:17) among His Ten Commandments. It’s just not wishing we had a house or car like someone has; it can also mean coveting what other people appear to be. Especially because in many cases, that’s not who they really are anyway.

This also might be another application of the apostle Paul’s declaration in Philippians 2:11, “…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Yes, he was writing from prison, in less than ideal circumstances, and during his ministry had often suffered from near-deprivation. But he had also learned to find contentment wherever he was and whatever situation he found himself in. Thus he emphasized to his protégé, Timothy, that “godliness with contentment is great gain.”

When we learn to accept our spouses and families for who they are, rather than some false image of what we think someone else’s is, we grow one step closer to God. When we accept being what the Lord made us to be and to become, rather than wishing we were like another person, we also grow one step closer to Him.

So those “highlight reels” other people are showing us every day? Only their best feet forward? Ignore them. Those are no more genuine than the Wizard of Oz, or Obi Wan Kenobi.