It’s become increasingly evident that often, people we think
we know – we really don’t know at all.
Case in point: The two brothers of Chechen descent that allegedly
orchestrated the Boston Marathon bombings and had plotted further mayhem. Some
neighbors and fellow students described them with adjectives like “quiet,”
“nice,” “friendly” and even “kind.” Huh? Hardly terms that fit makers of pressure-cooker
bombs that killed and dismembered people near the finish of one of New England’s
most celebrated events.
But such a disparity isn’t unusual. Mass murderers are
often depicted as aloof, introverted, or moody, but rarely does
anyone say something like, “Now there was a potential serial killer if ever I
saw one!”
People being not always as they seem isn’t restricted to perpetrators
of heinous crimes. Recently a single day’s news included multiple reports of prominent
entertainers and media celebrities being arrested for alcohol and drug-related
violations. One being a popular, perky actress who never would have been
envisioned as a mean drunk.
In dealing with people, what you see often isn't what you get. |
And it doesn’t stop there. What about the revered preacher,
author of best-selling books and star of weekly TV and radio shows, caught in secretive,
sexual indiscretions? Or the iconic business executive found guilty of ethical
wrongdoing? Even the “perfect couple” next door, envied by all, shockingly filing for divorce?
We think we know people, but do we…really? What’s the deal?
The Bible offers insight. In the Old Testament, God had sent
the prophet Samuel to anoint one of Jesse’s sons to succeed Saul as Israel’s king.
Samuel studied each son and wondered, “Is this the one?” Apparently they all
passed the look test. But with each one the Lord responded, “Nope. Not him.”
Finally, Samuel discovered Jesse had one more son – David, a
shepherd boy still tending the sheep. So Samuel had Jesse summon David. When
the boy arrived, God informed the prophet, “That’s the one!”
Earlier Samuel had received the explanation: “The Lord does not look at the things man
looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart”
(1 Samuel 16:7).
That’s our problem. We can only look on the outside, drawing
conclusions based on perceptions. God, however, examines the heart – the inner
person. He knows one's true thoughts, motives, desires and aspirations.
In Leaders Legacy, the non-profit I work with, we use a
motivational assessment tool called the Birkman Method. A key descriptor of
this resource is “Usual Style” or “Usual Behavior.” This relates to outward
behavior – what we observe about other people, the basis for conclusions and
judgments we form about them.
However, “Usual Style” is actually learned behavior, what individuals
find enables them to be most effective in life. This often contrasts sharply
from “Needs” – underlying requirements or expectations that must be fulfilled to
bring contentment and peace.
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