Thursday, February 28, 2013

TV Programs We Should Really See

Believe it or not, TV networks are already lining up their programming for next fall. Many of the shows announced seem like retreads – spinoffs or rehashed plot lines. Proof of the biblical adage, “there is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9).

But since the new TV season is still months away, perhaps there is time to suggest some fresh ideas. I thought I’d give it a try. Here are some new shows I would suggest:

“Found” – a group of individuals, disenchanted and just plain fed up with modern society, seek to get lost on a remote Pacific island, using airplanes, yachts, even bass boats to make their escape, but despite their best efforts, they’re always located.

“Moat” – an aspiring crime novelist named Claudius Moat shadows celebrated author Richard Castle, trying to master the craft of mystery, suspense, blood and gore. If the show succeeds, it would lend itself to a ready-made TV spinoff, “Re-Moat.”

“CSI: Little Rock” – crime scene investigators apply their detective and forensic skills to investigate any number of heinous incidents, ranging from spontaneous pig roasts to an epidemic of energy drink-fueled pep rallies.

“Person of Disinterest” – a self-absorbed military veteran, uniquely trained in everything from black ops to martial arts to ventriloquism, somehow manages to ignore and remain oblivious to a myriad of crimes occurring all around him.

“Gray’s Lobotomy” – an esteemed hospital finds its crack medical team in disarray, realizing their hysterical high-jinks have had their last laugh, and they face severe sanctions from the American Medical Association for denigrating the entire health profession.

“Dancing With the Scars” – a cast of former cardiac rehab patients display skills on the dance floor that they began perfecting while engaging in therapy following open-heart surgery.

“Alaska 5-1” – crime fighters in the other non-contiguous state seek to restore order to the U.S.’s northernmost frontier, battling stealthy offenders ranging from soccer moms secretively putting lipstick on pigs to swindlers selling covert glimpses of Russia from the Alaskan coastline.

“The Cell” – miniaturized scientists and techies find adventure, danger and romance inside cell phones. Each episode will feature their struggles to avoid demise at the hand of the latest interactive apps.

“The Bachelor Party” – a group of disillusioned, never-married men determine, against overwhelming odds, to form their own political party.

“The Big Bling Theory” – a reality show in which women compete to wear the biggest, heaviest jewelry while maintaining bright smiles and perfect posture.

“Muscles” – this spinoff of the forensic drama “Bones” each week shows investigators called to the scene of horrific weight training accidents.

“Honey Poo-Poo” – an infant boy, competing in “most beautiful baby” contests, displays the unsettling habit of filling his diaper at the most inopportune moments.

“American Icon” – middle-aged executives, politicians and washed-out entertainers strive to emulate and imitate Donald Trump, Betty White, Colonel Sanders, the Pillsbury Doughboy, Flo the Progressive Insurance lady, the Jolly Green Giant and the Michelin Man to earn the status of “the next household name.”

“Downtown Abbey” – an aristocratic British family immigrates to the United States, settling in midtown Manhattan, determined to create leagues of cricket teams in Central Park and open a tea and crumpets boutique in Greenwich Village.

“The Hoarse” – would-be entertainers do their best to choke out scratchy vocals despite the ravages of laryngitis, bronchitis and chronic body odor.

“The Sentimentalist” – a crime investigator with seemingly psychic powers finds himself lapsing into sentimental reveries each week as he revisits familiar settings from his childhood.

Hey, Hollywood: Any takers?

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